Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

was now so hard,

that I could not shed a tear, even if I read the Passion through.

This was a grief to me.

2. I remained in the monastery a year and a half, and was very

much the better for it. I began to say many vocal prayers, and

to ask all the nuns to pray for me, that God would place me in

that state wherein I was to serve Him; but, for all this, I

wished not to be a nun, and that God would not be pleased I

should be one, though at the same time I was afraid of marriage.

At the end of my stay there, I had a greater inclination to be a

nun, yet not in that house, on account of certain devotional

practices which I understood prevailed there, and which I thought

overstrained. Some of the younger ones encouraged me in this my

wish; and if all had been of one mind, I might have profited by

it. I had also a great friend [2] in another monastery; and this

made me resolve, if I was to be a nun, not to be one in any other

house than where she was. I looked more to the pleasure of sense

and vanity than to the good of my soul. These good thoughts of

being a nun came to me from time to time. They left me very

soon; and I could not persuade myself to become one.

3. At this time, though I was not careless about my own good, our

Lord was much more careful to dispose me for that state of life

which was best for me. He sent me a serious illness, so that I

was obliged to return to my father’s house.

4. When I became well again, they took me to see my sister [3] in

her house in the country village where she dwelt. Her love for me

was so great, that, if she had had her will, I should never have

left her. Her husband also had a great affection for me—at

least, he showed me all kindness. This too I owe rather to our

Lord, for I have received kindness everywhere; and all my service

in return is, that I am what I am.

5. On the road lived a brother of my father [4]—a prudent and

most excellent man, then a widower. Him too our Lord was

preparing for Himself. In his old age, he left all his

possessions and became a religious. He so finished his course,

that I believe him to have the vision of God. He would have me

stay with him some days. His practice was to read good books in

Spanish; and his ordinary conversation was about God and the

vanity of the world. These books he made me read to him; and,

though I did not much like them, I appeared as if I did; for in

giving pleasure to others I have been most particular, though it

might be painful to myself—so much so, that what in others might

have been a virtue was in me a great fault, because I was often

extremely indiscreet. O my God, in how many ways did His Majesty

prepare me for the state wherein it was His will I should serve

Him!—how, against my own will, He constrained me to do violence

to myself! May He be blessed for ever! Amen.

6. Though I remained here but a few days, yet, through the

impression made on my heart by the words of God both heard and

read, and by the good conversation of my uncle, I came to

understand the truth I had heard in my childhood, that all things

are as nothing, the world vanity, and passing rapidly away.

I also began to be afraid that, if I were then to die, I should

go down to hell. Though I could not bend my will to be a nun, I

saw that the religious state was the best and the safest.

And thus, by little and little, I resolved to force myself

into it.

7. The struggle lasted three months. I used to press this reason

against myself: The trials and sufferings of living as a nun

cannot be greater than those of purgatory, and I have well

deserved to be in hell. It is not much to spend the rest of my

life as if I were in purgatory, and then go straight to

Heaven—which was what I desired. I was more influenced by

servile fear, I think, than by love, to enter religion.

8. The devil put before me that I could not endure the trials of

the religious life, because of my delicate nurture. I defended

myself against him by alleging the trials which Christ endured,

and that it was not much for me to suffer something for His sake;

besides, He would help me to bear it. I must have thought so,

but I do not remember this consideration. I endured many

temptations during these days. I was subject to fainting-fits,

attended with fever,—for my health was always weak. I had

become by this time fond of good books, and that gave me life.

I read the Epistles of St. Jerome, which filled me with so much

courage, that I resolved to tell my father of my purpose,—which

was almost like taking the habit; for I was so jealous of my

word, that I would never, for any consideration, recede from a

promise when once my word had been given.

9. My father’s love for me was so great, that I could never

obtain his consent; nor could the prayers of others, whom I

persuaded to speak to him, be of any avail. The utmost I could

get from him was that I might do as I pleased after his death.

I now began to be afraid of myself, and of my own weakness—for I

might go back. So, considering that such waiting was not safe

for me, I obtained my end in another way, as I shall now relate.

1. St. Matt. xx. 16: “Multi enim sunt vocati, pauci vero electi.”

2. Juana Suarez, in the Monastery of the incarnation, Avila

(Reforma, lib. i. ch. vii. § 7).

3. Maria de Cepeda, married to Don Martin Guzman y Barrientos.

They lived in Castellanos de la Cañada, where they had

considerable property; but in the later years of their lives they

were in straitened circumstances (De la Fuente). See below,

ch. xxxiv. § 24.

4. Don Pedro Sanchez de Cepeda. He lived in Hortigosa, four

leagues from Avila (De la Fuente).

Chapter IV.

Our Lord Helps Her to Become a Nun. Her Many Infirmities.

1. In those days, when I was thus resolved, I had persuaded one

of my brothers, [1] by speaking to him of the vanity of the

world, to become a friar; and we agreed together to set out one

day very early in the morning for the monastery where that friend

of mine lived for whom I had so great an affection: [2] though I

would have gone to any other monastery, if I thought I should

serve God better in it, or to any one my father liked, so strong

was my resolution now to become a nun—for I thought more of the

salvation of my soul now, and made no account whatever of mine

own ease. I remember perfectly well, and it is quite true, that

the pain I felt when I left my father’s house was so great, that

I do not believe the pain of dying will be greater—for it seemed

to me as if every bone in my body were wrenched asunder; [3] for,

as I had no love of God to destroy my love of father and of

kindred, this latter love came upon me with a violence so great

that, if our Lord had not been my keeper, my own resolution to go

on would have failed me. But He gave me courage to fight against

myself, so that I executed my purpose. [4]

2. When I took the habit, [5] our Lord at once made me understand

how He helps those who do violence to themselves in order to

serve Him. No one observed this violence in me; they saw nothing

but the greatest good will. At that moment, because I was

entering on that state, I was filled with a joy so great, that it

has never failed me to this day; and God converted the aridity of

my soul into the greatest tenderness. Everything in religion was

a delight unto me; and it is true that now and then I used to

sweep the house during those hours of the day which I had

formerly spent on my amusements and my dress; and, calling to

mind that I was delivered from such follies, I was filled with a

new joy that surprised me, nor could I understand whence it came.

3. Whenever I remember this, there is nothing in the world,

however hard it may be, that, if it were proposed to me, I would

not undertake without any hesitation whatever; for I know now, by

experience in many things, that if from the first I resolutely

persevere in my purpose, even in this life His Majesty rewards it

in a way which he only understands who has tried it. When the

act is done for God only, it is His will before we begin it that

the soul, in order to the increase of its merits, should be

afraid; and the greater the fear, if we do but succeed, the

greater the reward, and the sweetness thence afterwards

resulting. I know this by experience, as I have just said, in

many serious affairs; and so, if I were a person who had to

advise anybody, I would never counsel any one, to whom good

inspirations from time to time may come, to resist them through

fear of the difficulty of carrying them into effect; for if a

person lives detached for the love of God only, that is no reason

for being afraid of failure, for He is omnipotent. May He be

blessed for ever! Amen.

4. O supreme Good, and my Rest, those graces ought to have been

enough which Thou hadst given me hitherto, seeing that Thy

compassion and greatness had drawn me through so many windings to

a state so secure, to a house where there are so many servants of

God, from whom I might learn how I may advance in Thy service.

I know not how to go on, when I call to mind the circumstances of

my profession, the great resolution and joy with which I made it,

and my betrothal unto Thee. I cannot speak of it without tears;

and my tears ought to be tears of blood, my heart ought to break,

and that would not be much to suffer because of the many offences

against Thee which I have committed since that day. It seems to

me now that I had good reasons for not wishing for this dignity,

seeing that I have made so sad a use of it. But Thou, O my Lord,

hast been willing to bear with me for almost twenty years of my

evil using of Thy graces, till I might become better. It seems

to me, O my God, that I did nothing but promise never to keep any

of the promises then made to Thee. Yet such was not my

intention: but I see that what I have done since is of such a

nature, that I know not what my intention was. So