Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

>4. It was a great thing for me to have had the grace of prayer

which God had wrought in me; it made me understand what it is to

love Him. In a little while, I saw these virtues renewed within

me; still they were not strong, for they were not sufficient to

sustain me in justice. I never spoke ill in the slightest degree

whatever of any one, and my ordinary practice was to avoid all

detraction; for I used to keep most carefully in mind that I

ought not to assent to, nor say of another, anything I should not

like to have said of myself. I was extremely careful to keep

this resolution on all occasions though not so perfectly, upon

some great occasions that presented themselves, as not to break

it sometimes. But my ordinary practice was this: and thus those

who were about me, and those with whom I conversed, became so

convinced that it was right, that they adopted it as a habit.

It came to be understood that where I was, absent persons were

safe; so they were also with my friends and kindred, and with

those whom I instructed. Still, for all this, I have a strict

account to give unto God for the bad example I gave in other

respects. May it please His Majesty to forgive me, for I have

been the cause of much evil; though not with intentions as

perverse as were the acts that followed.

5. The longing for solitude remained, and I loved to discourse

and speak of God; for if I found any one with whom I could do so,

it was a greater joy and satisfaction to me than all the

refinements—or rather to speak more correctly, the real

rudeness—of the world’s conversation. I communicated and

confessed more frequently still, and desired to do so; I was

extremely fond of reading good books; I was most deeply penitent

for having offended God; and I remember that very often I did not

dare to pray, because I was afraid of that most bitter anguish

which I felt for having offended God, dreading it as a great

chastisement. This grew upon me afterwards to so great a degree,

that I know of no torment wherewith to compare it; and yet it was

neither more nor less because of any fear I had at any time, for

it came upon me only when I remembered the consolations of our

Lord which He gave me in prayer, the great debt I owed Him, the

evil return I made: I could not bear it. I was also extremely

angry with myself on account of the many tears I shed for my

faults, when I saw how little I improved, seeing that neither my

good resolutions, nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep

me from falling whenever I had the opportunity. I looked on my

tears as a delusion; and my faults, therefore, I regarded as the

more grievous, because I saw the great goodness of our Lord to me

in the shedding of those tears, and together with them such

deep compunction.

6. I took care to go to confession as soon as I could; and, as I

think, did all that was possible on my part to return to a state

of grace. But the whole evil lay in my not thoroughly avoiding

the occasions of sin, and in my confessors, who helped me so

little. If they had told me that I was travelling on a dangerous

road, and that I was bound to abstain from those conversations, I

believe, without any doubt, that the matter would have been

remedied, because I could not bear to remain even for one day in

mortal sin, if I knew it.

7. All these tokens of the fear of God came to me through prayer;

and the greatest of them was this, that fear was swallowed up of

love—for I never thought of chastisement. All the time I was so

ill, my strict watch over my conscience reached to all that is

mortal sin.

8. O my God! I wished for health, that I might serve Thee better;

that was the cause of all my ruin. For when I saw how helpless I

was through paralysis, being still so young, and how the

physicians of this world had dealt with me, I determined to ask

those of heaven to heal me—for I wished, nevertheless, to be

well, though I bore my illness with great joy. Sometimes, too, I

used to think that if I recovered my health, and yet were lost

for ever, I was better as I was. But, for all that, I thought I

might serve God much better if I were well. This is our

delusion; we do not resign ourselves absolutely to the

disposition of our Lord, Who knows best what is for our good.

9. I began by having Masses and prayers said for my

intention—prayers that were highly sanctioned; for I never liked

those other devotions which some people, especially women, make

use of with a ceremoniousness to me intolerable, but which move

them to be devout. I have been given to understand since that

they were unseemly and superstitious; and I took for my patron

and lord the glorious St. Joseph, and recommended myself

earnestly to him. I saw clearly that both out of this my present

trouble, and out of others of greater importance, relating to my

honour and the loss of my soul, this my father and lord delivered

me, and rendered me greater services than I knew how to ask for.

I cannot call to mind that I have ever asked him at any time for

anything which he has not granted; and I am filled with amazement

when I consider the great favours which God hath given me through

this blessed Saint; the dangers from which he hath delivered me,

both of body and of soul. To other Saints, our Lord seems to

have given grace to succour men in some special necessity; but to

this glorious Saint, I know by experience, to help us in all: and

our Lord would have us understand that as He was Himself subject

to him upon earth—for St. Joseph having the title of father, and

being His guardian, could command Him—so now in heaven He

performs all his petitions. I have asked others to recommend

themselves to St. Joseph, and they too know this by experience;

and there are many who are now of late devout to him, [3] having

had experience of this truth.

10. I used to keep his feast with all the solemnity I could, but

with more vanity than spirituality, seeking rather too much

splendour and effect, and yet with good intentions. I had this

evil in me, that if our Lord gave me grace to do any good, that

good became full of imperfections and of many faults; but as for

doing wrong, the indulgence of curiosity and vanity, I was very

skilful and active therein. Our Lord forgive me!

11. Would that I could persuade all men to be devout to this

glorious Saint; for I know by long experience what blessings he

can obtain for us from God. I have never known any one who was

really devout to him, and who honoured him by particular

services, who did not visibly grow more and more in virtue; for

he helps in a special way those souls who commend themselves to

him. It is now some years since I have always on his feast asked

him for something, and I always have it. If the petition be in

any way amiss, he directs it aright for my greater good.

12. If I were a person who had authority to write, it would be a

pleasure to me to be diffusive in speaking most minutely of the

graces which this glorious Saint has obtained for me and for

others. But that I may not go beyond the commandment that is

laid upon me, I must in many things be more brief than I could

wish, and more diffusive than is necessary in others; for, in

short, I am a person who, in all that is good, has but little

discretion. But I ask, for the love of God, that he who does not

believe me will make the trial for himself—when he will see by

experience the great good that results from commending oneself to

this glorious patriarch, and being devout to him. Those who give

themselves to prayer should in a special manner have always a

devotion to St. Joseph; for I know not how any man can think of

the Queen of the angels, during the time that she suffered so

much with the Infant Jesus, without giving thanks to St. Joseph

for the services he rendered them then. He who cannot find any

one to teach him how to pray, let him take this glorious Saint

for his master, and he will not wander out of the way.

13. May it please our Lord that I have not done amiss in

venturing to speak about St. Joseph; for, though I publicly

profess my devotion to him, I have always failed in my service to

him and imitation of him. He was like himself when he made me

able to rise and walk, no longer a paralytic; and I, too, am like

myself when I make so bad a use of this grace.

14. Who could have said that I was so soon to fall, after such

great consolations from God—after His Majesty had implanted

virtues in me which of themselves made me serve Him—after I had

been, as it were, dead, and in such extreme peril of eternal

damnation—after He had raised me up, soul and body, so that all

who saw me marvelled to see me alive? What can it mean, O my

Lord? The life we live is so full of danger! While I am writing

this—and it seems to me, too, by Thy grace and mercy—I may say

with St. Paul, though not so truly as he did: “It is not I who

live now, but Thou, my Creator, livest in me.” [4] For some

years past, so it seems to me, Thou hast held me by the hand; and

I see in myself desires and resolutions—in some measure tested

by experience, in many ways, during that time—never to do

anything, however slight it may be, contrary to Thy will, though

I must have frequently offended Thy Divine Majesty without being

aware of it; and I also think that nothing can be proposed to me

that I should not with great resolution undertake for Thy love.

In some things Thou hast Thyself helped me to succeed therein.

I love neither the world, nor the things of the world; nor do I

believe that anything that does not come from Thee can give me

pleasure; everything else seems to me a heavy cross.

15. Still, I may easily deceive myself, and it may be that I am

not what I say I am; but Thou knowest, O my Lord, that, to the

best of my knowledge, I lie not. I am afraid, and with good

reason, lest Thou shouldst abandon me; for I know now how far my

strength and little virtue can reach, if Thou be not ever at hand

to supply them, and to help me never to forsake Thee. May His

Majesty grant that I be not forsaken of Thee even now, when I am

thinking all this of myself!

16. I know not how we can wish to live, seeing that everything is

so uncertain. Once, O Lord, I