Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

together with the great mercy of God, in

great distinctness; and it is not necessary for it to go forth to

hunt with the understanding, because what it has to eat and

ruminate upon, it sees now ready prepared. It sees, so far as

itself is concerned, that it has deserved hell, and that its

punishment is bliss. It undoes itself in the praises of God, and

I would gladly undo myself now.

3. Blessed be Thou, O my Lord, who, out of a pool so filthy as I

am, bringest forth water so clean as to be meet for Thy table!

Praised be Thou, O Joy of the Angels, who hast been thus pleased

to exalt so vile a worm!

4. The good effects of this prayer abide in the soul for some

time. Now that it clearly apprehends that the fruit is not its

own, the soul can begin to share it with others, and that without

any loss to itself. It begins to show signs of its being a soul

that is guarding the treasures of heaven, and to be desirous of

communicating them to others, [2] and to pray to God that itself

may not be the only soul that is rich in them. It begins to

benefit its neighbours, as it were, without being aware of it, or

doing anything consciously: its neighbours understand the matter,

because the odour of the flowers has grown so strong as to make

them eager to approach them. They understand that this soul is

full of virtue: they see the fruit, how delicious it is, and they

wish to help that soul to eat it.

5. If this ground be well dug by troubles, by persecutions,

detractions, and infirmities,—they are few who ascend so high

without this,—if it be well broken up by great detachment from

all self-interest, it will drink in so much water that it can

hardly ever be parched again. But if it be ground which is mere

waste, and covered with thorns (as I was when I began); if the

occasions of sin be not avoided; if it be an ungrateful soil,

unfitted for so great a grace,—it will be parched up again.

If the gardener become careless,—and if our Lord, out of His

mere goodness, will not send down rain upon it,—the garden is

ruined. Thus has it been with me more than once, so that I am

amazed at it; and if I had not found it so by experience, I could

not have believed it.

6. I write this for the comfort of souls which are weak, as I am,

that they may never despair, nor cease to trust in the power of

God; even if they should fall after our Lord has raised them to

so high a degree of prayer as this is, they must not be

discouraged, unless they would lose themselves utterly.

Tears gain everything, and one drop of water attracts another.

7. One of the reasons that move me, who am what I am, under

obedience to write this, and give an account of my wretched life,

and of the graces our Lord has wrought in me,—though I never

served Him, but offended Him rather,—is what I have just given:

and, certainly, I wish I was a person of great authority, that

people might believe what I say. I pray to our Lord that His

Majesty would be pleased to grant me this grace. I repeat it,

let no one who has begun to give himself to prayer be

discouraged, and say: If I fall into sin, it will be worse for me

if I go on now with the practice of prayer. I think so too, if

he gives up prayer, and does not correct his evil ways; but if he

does not give up prayer, let him be assured of this—prayer will

bring him to the haven of light.

8. In this the devil turned his batteries against me, and I

suffered so much because I thought it showed but little humility

if I persevered in prayer when I was so wicked, that—as I have

already said [3]—I gave it up for a year and a half—at least,

for a year, but I do not remember distinctly the other six

months. This could not have been, neither was it, anything else

but to throw myself down into hell; there was no need of any

devils to drag me thither. O my God, was there ever blindness so

great as this? How well Satan prepares his measures for his

purpose, when he pursues us in this way! The traitor knows that

he has already lost that soul which perseveres in prayer, and

that every fall which he can bring about helps it, by the

goodness of God, to make greater progress in His service.

Satan has some interest in this.

9. O my Jesus, what a sight that must be—a soul so highly

exalted falling into sin, and raised up again by Thee; who, in

Thy mercy, stretchest forth Thine hand to save! How such a soul

confesses Thy greatness and compassion and its own wretchedness!

It really looks on itself as nothingness, and confesses Thy

power. It dares not lift up its eyes; it raises them, indeed,

but it is to acknowledge how much it oweth unto Thee. It becomes

devout to the Queen of Heaven, that she may propitiate Thee; it

invokes the Saints, who fell after Thou hadst called them, for

succour. Thou seemest now to be too bountiful in Thy gifts,

because it feels itself to be unworthy of the earth it treads on.

It has recourse to the Sacraments, to a quickened faith, which

abides in it at the contemplation of the power which Thou hast

lodged in them. It praises Thee because Thou hast left us such

medicines and ointment for our wounds, which not only heal them

on the surface, but remove all traces whatever of them.

10. The soul is amazed at it. Who is there, O Lord of my soul,

that is not amazed at compassion so great and mercy so

surpassing, after treason so foul and so hateful? I know not how

it is that my heart does not break when I write this, for I am

wicked. With these scanty tears which I am now weeping, but yet

Thy gift,—water out of a well, so far as it is mine, so

impure,—I seem to make Thee some recompense for treachery so

great as mine, in that I was always doing evil, labouring to make

void the graces Thou hast given me. Do Thou, O Lord, make my

tears available; purify the water which is so muddy; at least,

let me not be to others a temptation to rash judgments, as I have

been to myself, when I used to think such thoughts as these.

Why, O Lord, dost Thou pass by most holy persons, who have always

served Thee, and who have been tried; who have been brought up in

religion, and are really religious—not such as I am, having only

the name—so as to make it plain that they are not recipients of

those graces which Thou hast bestowed upon me?

11. I see clearly now, O Thou my Good, Thou hast kept the reward

to give it them all at once: my weakness has need of these

succours. They, being strong, serve Thee without them, and Thou

dealest with them as with a strong race, free from all

self-interest. But yet Thou knowest, O my Lord, that I have

often cried unto Thee, making excuses for those who murmured

against me; for I thought they had reason on their side. This I

did then when Thou of Thy goodness hadst kept me back from

offending Thee so much, and when I was departing from everything

which I thought displeasing unto Thee. It was when I did this

that Thou, O Lord, didst begin to lay open Thy treasures for Thy

servant. It seemed as if Thou wert looking for nothing else but

that I should be willing and ready to receive them; accordingly,

Thou didst begin at once, not only to give them, but also to make

others know that Thou wert giving them.

12. When this was known, there began to prevail a good opinion of

her, of whom all had not yet clearly understood how wicked she

was, though much of that wickedness was plain enough. Calumny and

persecution began at once, and, as I think, with good reason; so

I looked on none of them as an enemy, but made my supplications

to Thee, imploring Thee to consider the grounds they had.

They said that I wished to be a saint, and that I invented

novelties; but I had not then attained in many things even to the

observance of my rule; nor had I come near those excellent and

holy nuns who were in the house,—and I do not believe I ever

shall, if God of His goodness will not do that for me Himself; on

the contrary, I was there only to do away with what was good, and

introduce customs which were not good; at least, I did what I

could to bring them in, and I was very powerful for evil.

Thus it was that they were blameless, when they blamed me. I do

not mean the nuns only, but the others as well: they told me

truths; for it was Thy will.

13. I was once saying the Office,—I had had this temptation for

some time,—and when I came to these words, “Justus es, Domine,

et rectum judicium tuum,” [4] I began to think what a deep truth

it was. Satan never was strong enough to tempt me in any way to

doubt of Thy goodness, or of any article of the faith: on the

contrary, it seems to me that the more these truths were above

nature, the more firmly I held them, and my devotion grew; when I

thought of Thy omnipotence, I accepted all Thy wonderful works,

and I say it again, I never had a doubt. Then, as I was thinking

how it could be just in Thee to allow so many, who, as I said,

are Thy most faithful servants, to remain without those

consolations and graces which Thou hast given to me, who am what

I am, Thou, O my Lord, didst answer me: Serve thou Me, and meddle

not with this.

14. This was the first word which I ever heard Thee speak to me,

and it made me greatly afraid. But as I shall speak

hereafter [5] of this way of hearing, and of other matters, I say

nothing here; for to do so would be to digress from my subject,

and I have already made digressions enough. I scarcely know what

I have said, nor can it be otherwise; but you, my father, must

bear with these interruptions; for when I consider what God must

have borne with from me, and when I see the state I am in, it is

not strange that I should wander in what I am saying, and what I

have still to say.

15. May it please our Lord that my wanderings may be of this

kind, and may His Majesty never suffer me to have strength to

resist Him even in the least; yea, rather than that, may He

destroy me this moment. It is evidence enough of His great

compassions, that He has forgiven so much ingratitude, not once,

but often. He forgave St. Peter once; but I have been forgiven

many times. Satan had good reasons for tempting me: I ought

never to have pretended to a strict friendship with One,