Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

spiritual life. Certainly, what I am now about to describe

happened to me once; there are witnesses to testify to it,

particularly my present confessor, for he saw the account in a

letter. I did not tell him from whom the letter came, but he

knew perfectly who the person was.

7. There came to me a person who, for two years and a half, had

been living in mortal sin of the most abominable nature I ever

heard. During the whole of that time, he neither confessed it

nor ceased from it; and yet he said Mass. He confessed his other

sins but of this one he used to say, How can I confess so foul a

sin? He wished to give it up, but he could not prevail on

himself to do so. I was very sorry for him, and it was a great

grief to me to see God offended in such a way. I promised him

that I would pray to God for his amendment, and get others who

were better than I to do the same. I wrote to one person, and

the priest undertook to get the letter delivered. It came to

pass that he made a full confession at the first opportunity; for

our Lord God was pleased, on account of the prayers of those most

holy persons to whom I had recommended him, to have pity on this

soul. I, too, wretched as I am, did all I could for the

same end.

8. He wrote to me, and said that he was so far improved, that he

had not for some days repeated his sin; but he was so tormented

by the temptation, that it seemed to him as if he were in hell

already, so great were his sufferings. He asked me to pray to

God for him. I recommended him to my sisters, through whose

prayers I must have obtained this mercy from our Lord; for they

took the matter greatly to heart; and he was a person whom no one

could find out. I implored His Majesty to put an end to these

torments and temptations, and to let the evil spirits torment me

instead, provided I did not offend our Lord. Thus it was that

for one month I was most grievously tormented; and then it was

that these two assaults of Satan, of which I have just spoken,

took place.

9. Our Lord was pleased to deliver him out of this temptation, so

I was informed; for I told him what happened to myself that

month. His soul gained strength, and he continued free; he could

never give thanks enough to our Lord and to me as if I had been

of any service—unless it be that the belief he had that our Lord

granted me such graces was of some advantage to him. He said

that, when he saw himself in great straits, he would read my

letters, and then the temptation left him. He was very much

astonished at my sufferings, and at the manner of his own

deliverance: even I myself am astonished, and I would suffer as

much for many years for the deliverance of that soul. May our

Lord be praised for ever! for the prayers of those who serve Him

can do great things; and I believe the sisters of this house do

serve Him. The devils must have been more angry with me only

because I asked them to pray, and because our Lord permitted it

on account of my sins. At that time, too, I thought the evil

spirits would have suffocated me one night, and when the sisters

threw much holy water about I saw a great troop of them rush away

as if tumbling over a precipice. These cursed spirits have

tormented me so often, and I am now so little afraid of

them,—because I see they cannot stir without our Lord’s

permission,—that I should weary both you, my father, and

myself, if I were to speak of these things in detail.

10. May this I have written be of use to the true servant of God,

who ought to despise these terrors, which Satan sends only to

make him afraid! Let him understand that each time we despise

those terrors, their force is lessened, and the soul gains power

over them. There is always some great good obtained; but I will

not speak of it, that I may not be too diffuse. I will speak,

however, of what happened to me once on the night of All Souls.

I was in an oratory, and, having said one Nocturn, was saying

some very devotional prayers at the end of our Breviary, when

Satan put himself on the book before me, to prevent my finishing

my prayer. I made the sign of the cross, and he went away.

I then returned to my prayer, and he, too, came back; he did so,

I believe, three times, and I was not able to finish the prayer

without throwing holy water at him. I saw certain souls at that

moment come forth out of purgatory—they must have been near

their deliverance, and I thought that Satan might in this way

have been trying to hinder their release. It is very rarely that

I saw Satan assume a bodily form; I know of his presence through

the vision I have spoken of before, [2] the vision wherein no

form is seen.

11. I wish also to relate what follows, for I was greatly alarmed

at it: on Trinity Sunday, in the choir of a certain monastery,

and in a trance, I saw a great fight between evil spirits and the

angels. I could not make out what the vision meant. In less

than a fortnight, it was explained clearly enough by the dispute

that took place between persons given to prayer and many who were

not, which did great harm to that house; for it was a dispute

that lasted long and caused much trouble. On another occasion, I

saw a great multitude of evil spirits round about me, and, at the

same time, a great light, in which I was enveloped, which kept

them from coming near me. I understood it to mean that God was

watching over me, that they might not approach me so as to make

me offend Him. I knew the vision was real by what I saw

occasionally in myself. The fact is, I know now how little power

the evil spirits have, provided I am not out of the grace of God;

I have scarcely any fear of them at all, for their strength is as

nothing, if they do not find the souls they assail give up the

contest, and become cowards; it is in this case that they show

their power.

12. Now and then, during the temptations I am speaking of, it

seemed to me as if all my vanity and weakness in times past had

become alive again within me; so I had reason enough to commit

myself into the hands of God. Then I was tormented by the

thought that, as these things came back to my memory, I must be

utterly in the power of Satan, until my confessor consoled me;

for I imagined that even the first movement towards an evil

thought ought not to have come near one who had received from our

Lord such great graces as I had.

13. At other times, I was much tormented—and even now I am

tormented—when I saw people make much of me, particularly great

people, and when they spake well of me. I have suffered, and

still suffer, much in this way. I think at once of the life of

Christ and of the Saints, and then my life seems the reverse of

theirs, for they received nothing but contempt and ill-treatment.

All this makes me afraid; I dare not lift up my head, and I wish

nobody saw me at all. It is not thus with me when I am

persecuted; then my soul is so conscious of strength, though the

body suffers, and though I am in other ways afflicted, that I do

not know how this can be; but so it is,—and my soul seems then

to be a queen in its kingdom, having everything under its feet.

14. I had such a thought now and then—and, indeed, for many days

together. I regarded it as a sign of virtue and of humility; but

I see clearly now it was nothing else but a temptation.

A Dominican friar, of great learning, showed it to me very

plainly. When I considered that the graces which our Lord had

bestowed upon me might come to the knowledge of the public, my

sufferings became so excessive as greatly to disturb my soul.

They went so far, that I made up my mind, while thinking of it,

that I would rather be buried alive than have these things known.

And so, when I began to be profoundly recollected, or to fall

into a trance, which I could not resist even in public, I was so

ashamed of myself, that I would not appear where people might

see me.

15. Once, when I was much distressed at this, our Lord said to

me, What was I afraid of? one of two things must happen—people

would either speak ill of me, or give glory to Him. He made me

understand by this, that those who believed in the truth of what

was going on in me would glorify Him; and that those who did not

would condemn me without cause: in both ways I should be the

gainer, and I was therefore not to distress myself. [3] This

made me quite calm, and it comforts me whenever I think of it.

16. This temptation became so excessive, that I wished to leave

the house, and take my dower to another monastery, where

enclosure was more strictly observed than in that wherein I was

at this time. I had heard great things of that other house,

which was of the same Order as mine; it was also at a great

distance, and it would have been a great consolation to me to

live where I was not known; but my confessor would never let me

go. These fears deprived me in a great measure of all liberty of

spirit; and I understood afterwards that this was not true

humility, because it disturbed me so much. And our Lord taught

me this truth; if I was convinced, and certainly persuaded, that

all that was good in me came wholly and only from God, and if it

did not distress me to hear the praises of others,—yea, rather,

if I was pleased and comforted when I saw that God was working in

them,—then neither should I be distressed if He showed forth His

works in me.

17. I fell, too, into another extreme. I begged of God, and made

it a particular subject of prayer, that it might please His

Majesty, whenever any one saw any good in me, that such a one

might also become acquainted with my sins, in order that he might

see that His graces were bestowed on me without any merit on my

part: and I always greatly desire this. My confessor told me not

to do it. But almost to this day, if I saw that any one thought

well of me, I used in a roundabout way, or any how, as I could,

to contrive he should know of my sins: [4] that seemed to relieve

me. But they have made me very scrupulous on this point.

This, it