Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

on the abandonment of our project, for he had

already heard the popular cry: moreover, he, as everybody did,

thought it folly; and a certain nobleman also, as soon as he knew

that we had gone to him, had sent him word to consider well what

he was doing, and to give us no help; that when he began to

consider the answer he should make us, and to ponder on the

matter, the object we had in view, our manner of life, and the

Order, he became convinced that it was greatly for the service of

God, and that we must not give it up. Accordingly, his answer

was that we should make haste to settle the matter. He told us

how and in what way it was to be done; and if our means were

scanty, we must trust somewhat in God. If anyone made any

objections, they were to go to him—he would answer them; and in

this way he always helped us, as I shall show by and by. [8]

21. This answer was a great comfort to us; so also was the

conduct of certain holy persons who were usually against us: they

were now pacified, and some of them even helped us. One of them

was the saintly nobleman [9] of whom I spoke before; [10] he

looked on it—so, indeed, it was—as a means of great perfection,

because the whole foundation was laid in prayer. He saw also

very many difficulties before us, and no way out of them,—yet he

gave up his own opinion, and admitted that the work might be of

God. Our Lord Himself must have touched his heart, as He also

did that of the doctor, the priest and servant of God, to whom,

as I said before, [11] I first spoke, who is an example to the

whole city,—being one whom God maintains there for the relief

and progress of many souls: he, too, came now to give us

his assistance.

22. When matters had come to this state, and always with the help

of many prayers, we purchased a house in a convenient spot; and

though it was small, I cared not at all for that, for our Lord

had told me to go into it as well as I could,—that I should see

afterwards what He would do; and how well I have seen it! I saw,

too, how scanty were our means; and yet I believed our Lord

would order these things by other ways, and be gracious unto us.

1. See ch. v. § 14, ch. vi. § 1.

2. Ch. xxxi. § 3.

3. In 1558 (De la Fuente).

4. This was said by Maria de Ocampo, niece of St. Teresa, then

living in the monastery of the Incarnation, but not a religious;

afterwards Maria Bautista, Prioress of the Carmelites at

Valladolid (Ribera, i. 7).

5. Ch. xxiv. § 5. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa.

6. The Provincial of the Carmelites: F. Angel de Salasar (De

la Fuente).

7. F. Pedro Ibañez (De la Fuente).

8. Ch. xxxiii. § 8.

9. Francis de Salcedo.

10. Ch. xxiii. § 6.

11. Gaspar Daza. See ch. xxiii. § 6.

Chapter XXXIII.

The Foundation of the Monastery Hindered. Our Lord Consoles

the Saint.

1. When the matter was in this state—so near its conclusion,

that on the very next day the papers were to be signed—then it

was that the Father Provincial changed his mind. I believe that

the change was divinely ordered—so it appeared afterwards; for

while so many prayers were made, our Lord was perfecting His work

and arranging its execution in another way. When the Provincial

refused us, my confessor bade me forthwith to think no more of

it, notwithstanding the great trouble and distress which our Lord

knows it cost me to bring it to this state. When the work was

given up and abandoned, people were the more convinced that it

was altogether the foolishness of women; and the complaints

against me were multiplied, although I had until then this

commandment of my Provincial to justify me.

2. I was now very much disliked throughout the whole monastery,

because I wished to found another with stricter enclosure.

It was said I insulted my sisters; that I could serve God among

them as well as elsewhere, for there were many among them much

better than I; that I did not love the house, and that it would

have been better if I had procured greater resources for it than

for another. Some said I ought to be put in prison; others—but

they were not many—defended me in some degree. I saw well

enough that they were for the most part right, and now and then I

made excuses for myself; though, as I could not tell them the

chief reason, which was the commandment of our Lord, I knew not

what to do, and so was silent.

3. In other respects God was most merciful unto me, for all this

caused me no uneasiness; and I gave up our design with much

readiness and joy, as if it cost me nothing. No one could

believe it, not even those men of prayer with whom I conversed;

for they thought I was exceedingly pained and sorry: even my

confessor himself could hardly believe it. I had done, as it

seemed to me, all that was in my power. I thought myself obliged

to do no more than I had done to fulfil our Lord’s commandment,

and so I remained in the house where I was, exceedingly happy and

joyful; though, at the same time, I was never able to give up my

conviction that the work would be done. I had now no means of

doing it, nor did I know how or when it would be done; but I

firmly believed in its accomplishment.

4. I was much distressed at one time by a letter which my

confessor wrote to me, as if I had done anything in the matter

contrary to his will. Our Lord also must have meant that

suffering should not fail me there where I should feel it most;

and so, amid the multitude of my persecutions, when, as it seemed

to me, consolations should have come from my confessor, he told

me that I ought to recognise in the result that all was a dream;

that I ought to lead a new life by ceasing to have anything to do

for the future with it, or even to speak of it any more, seeing

the scandal it had occasioned. He made some further remarks, all

of them very painful. This was a greater affliction to me than

all the others together. I considered whether I had done

anything myself, and whether I was to blame for anything that was

an offence unto God; whether all my visions were illusions, all

my prayers a delusion, and I, therefore, deeply deluded and lost.

This pressed so heavily upon me, that I was altogether disturbed

and most grievously distressed. But our Lord, who never failed

me in all the trials I speak of, so frequently consoled and

strengthened me, that I need not speak of it here. He told me

then not to distress myself; that I had pleased God greatly, and

had not sinned against Him throughout the whole affair; that I

was to do what my confessors required of me, and be silent on the

subject till the time came to resume it. I was so comforted and

so happy, that the persecution which had befallen me seemed to be

as nothing at all.

5. Our Lord now showed me what an exceedingly great blessing it

is to be tried and persecuted for His sake; for the growth of the

love of God in my soul, which I now discerned, as well as of many

other virtues, was such as to fill me with wonder. It made me

unable to abstain from desiring trials, and yet those about me

thought I was exceedingly disheartened; and I must have been so,

if our Lord in that extremity had not succoured me with His great

compassion. Now was the beginning of those more violent

impetuosities of the love of God of which I have spoken

before, [1] as well as of those profounder trances. I kept

silence, however, and never spoke of those graces to any one.

The saintly Dominican [2] was as confident as I was that the work

would be done; and as I would not speak of it, in order that

nothing might take place contrary to the obedience I owed my

confessor, he communicated with my companion, and they wrote

letters to Rome and made their preparations.

6. Satan also contrived now that persons should hear one from

another that I had had a revelation in the matter; and people

came to me in great terror, saying that the times were dangerous,

that something might be laid to my charge, and that I might be

taken before the Inquisitors. I heard this with pleasure, and it

made me laugh, because I never was afraid of them; for I knew

well enough that in matters of faith I would not break the least

ceremony of the Church, that I would expose myself to die a

thousand times rather than that any one should see me go against

it or against any truth of Holy Writ. So I told them I was not

afraid of that, for my soul must be in a very bad state if there

was anything the matter with it of such a nature as to make me

fear the Inquisition; I would go myself and give myself up, if I

thought there was anything amiss; and if I should be denounced,

our Lord would deliver me, and I should gain much.

7. I had recourse to my Dominican father; for I could rely upon

him, because he was a learned man. I told him all about my

visions, my way of prayer, the great graces our Lord had given

me, as clearly as I could, and I begged him to consider the

matter well, and tell me if there was anything therein at

variance with the Holy Writings, and give me his opinion on the

whole matter. He reassured me much, and, I think, profited

himself; for though he was exceedingly good, yet, from this time

forth, he gave himself more and more to prayer, and retired to a

monastery of his Order which was very lonely, that he might apply

himself more effectually to prayer, where he remained more than

two years. He was dragged out of his solitude by obedience, to

his great sorrow: his superiors required his services; for he was

a man of great ability. I, too, on my part, felt his retirement

very much, because it was a great loss to me, though I did not

disturb him. But I knew it was a gain to him; for when I was so

much distressed at his departure, our Lord bade me be comforted,

not to take it to heart, for he was gone under good guidance.

8. So, when he came back, his soul had made such great progress,

and he was so advanced in the ways of the spirit, that he told me

on his return he would not have missed that journey for anything

in the world. And I, too, could say the same thing; for where he

reassured and consoled me formerly by his mere learning, he did

so now through that spiritual experience he had gained of

supernatural things. And God, too, brought him here in time; for

He saw that his help would be required in the foundation