Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

long experience had

introduced, were too much for the fervent nuns there assembled.

Maria of Jesus begged Doña Leonor de Mascareñas to persuade

St. Teresa to come to Alcala. The Saint went to the monastery,

and was received there with joy, and even entreated to take the

house under her own government (Reforma, ii. c. x. §§ 3, 4).

Chapter XXXVII.

The Effects of the Divine Graces in the Soul. The Inestimable

Greatness of One Degree of Glory.

1. It is painful to me to recount more of the graces which our

Lord gave me than these already spoken of; and they are so many,

that nobody can believe they were ever given to one so wicked:

but in obedience to our Lord, who has commanded me to do it, [1]

and you, my fathers, I will speak of some of them to His glory.

May it please His Majesty it may be to the profit of some soul!

For if our Lord has been thus gracious to so—miserable a thing

as myself, what will He be to those who shall serve Him truly?

Let all people resolve to please His Majesty, seeing that He

gives such pledges as these even in this life. [2]

2. In the first place, it must be understood that, in those

graces which God bestows on the soul, there are diverse degrees

of joy: for in some visions the joy and sweetness and comfort of

them so far exceed those of others, that I am amazed at the

different degrees of fruition even in this life; for it happens

that the joy and consolation which God gives in a vision or a

trance are so different, that it seems impossible for the soul to

be able to desire anything more in this world: and, so, in fact,

the soul does not desire, nor would it ask for, a greater joy.

Still, since our Lord has made me understand how great a

difference there is in heaven itself between the fruition of one

and that of another, I see clearly enough that here also, when

our Lord wills, He gives not by measure; [3] and so I wish that I

myself observed no measure in serving His Majesty, and in using

my whole life and strength and health therein; and I would not

have any fault of mine rob me of the slightest degree

of fruition.

3. And so I say that if I were asked which I preferred, to endure

all the trials of the world until the end of it, and then receive

one slight degree of glory additional, or without any suffering

of any kind to enter into glory of a slightly lower degree, I

would accept—oh, how willingly!—all those trials for one slight

degree of fruition in the contemplation of the greatness of God;

for I know that he who understands Him best, loves Him and

praises Him best. I do not mean that I should not be satisfied,

and consider myself most blessed, to be in heaven, even if I

should be in the lowest place; for as I am one who had that place

in hell, it would be a great mercy of our Lord to admit me at

all; and may it please His Majesty to bring me thither, and take

away His eyes from beholding my grievous sins. What I mean is

this,—if it were in my power, even if it cost me everything, and

our Lord gave me the grace to endure much affliction, I would not

through any fault of mine lose one degree of glory. Ah, wretched

that I am, who by so many faults had forfeited all!

4. It is also to be observed that, in every vision or revelation

which our Lord in His mercy sent me, a great gain accrued to my

soul, and that in some of the visions this gain was very great.

The vision of Christ left behind an impression of His exceeding

beauty, and it remains with me to this day. One vision alone of

Him is enough to effect this; what, then, must all those visions

have done, which our Lord in His mercy sent me? One exceedingly

great blessing has resulted therefrom, and it is this,—I had one

very grievous fault, which was the source of much evil; namely,

whenever I found anybody well disposed towards myself, and I

liked him, I used to have such an affection for him as compelled

me always to remember and think of him, though I had no intention

of offending God: however, I was pleased to see him, to think of

him and of his good qualities. All this was so hurtful, that it

brought my soul to the very verge of destruction.

5. But ever since I saw the great beauty [4] of our Lord, I never

saw any one who in comparison with Him seemed even endurable, or

that could occupy my thoughts. For if I but turn mine eyes

inwardly for a moment to the contemplation of the image which I

have within me, I find myself so free, that from that instant

everything I see is loathsome in comparison with the excellences

and graces of which I had a vision in our Lord. Neither is there

any sweetness, nor any kind of pleasure, which I can make any

account of, compared with that which comes from hearing but one

word from His divine mouth. What, then, must it be when I hear

so many? I look upon it as impossible—unless our Lord, for my

sins, should permit the loss of this remembrance—that I should

have the power to occupy myself with anything in such a way as

that I should not instantly recover my liberty by thinking of

our Lord.

6. This has happened to me with some of my confessors, for I

always have a great affection for those who have the direction of

my soul. As I really saw in them only the representatives of

God, I thought my will was always there where it is most

occupied; and as I felt very safe in the matter, I always showed

myself glad to see them. [5] They, on the other hand, servants

of God, and fearing Him, were afraid that I was attaching and

binding myself too much to them, though in a holy way, and

treated me with rudeness. This took place after I had become so

ready to obey them; for before that time I had no affection

whatever for them. I used to laugh to myself, when I saw how

much they were deceived. Though I was not always putting before

them how little I was attached to anybody, as clearly as I was

convinced of it myself, yet I did assure them of it; and they, in

their further relations with me, acknowledged how much I owed to

our Lord in the matter. These suspicions of me always arose in

the beginning.

7. My love of, and trust in, our Lord, after I had seen Him in a

vision, began to grow, for my converse with Him was so continual.

I saw that, though He was God, He was man also; that He is not

surprised at the frailties of men, that He understands our

miserable nature, liable to fall continually, because of the

first sin, for the reparation of which He had come. I could

speak to Him as to a friend, though He is my Lord, because I do

not consider Him as one of our earthly Lords, who affect a power

they do not possess, who give audience at fixed hours, and to

whom only certain persons may speak. If a poor man have any

business with these, it will cost him many goings and comings,

and currying favour with others, together with much pain and

labour before he can speak to them. Ah, if such a one has

business with a king! Poor people, not of gentle blood, cannot

approach him, for they must apply to those who are his friends,

and certainly these are not persons who tread the world under

their feet; for they who do this speak the truth, fear nothing,

and ought to fear nothing; they are not courtiers, because it is

not the custom of a court, where they must be silent about those

things they dislike, must not even dare to think about them, lest

they should fall into disgrace.

8. O King of glory, and Lord of all kings! oh, how Thy kingly

dignity is not hedged about by trifles of this kind! Thy kingdom

is for ever. We do not require chamberlains to introduce us into

Thy presence. The very vision of Thy person shows us at once

that Thou alone art to be called Lord. Thy Majesty is so

manifest that there is no need of a retinue or guard to make us

confess that Thou art King. An earthly king without attendants

would be hardly acknowledged; and though he might wish ever so

much to be recognised, people will not own him when he appears as

others; it is necessary that his dignity should be visible, if

people are to believe in it. This is reason enough why kings

should affect so much state; for if they had none, no one would

respect them; this their semblance of power is not in themselves,

and their authority must come to them from others.

9. O my Lord! O my King! who can describe Thy Majesty? It is

impossible not to see that Thou art Thyself the great Ruler of

all, that the beholding of Thy Majesty fills men with awe. But I

am filled with greater awe, O my Lord, when I consider Thy

humility, and the love Thou hast for such as I am. We can

converse and speak with Thee about everything whenever we will;

and when we lose our first fear and awe at the vision of Thy

Majesty, we have a greater dread of offending Thee,—not arising

out of the fear of punishment, O my Lord, for that is as nothing

in comparison with the loss of Thee!

10. Thus far of the blessings of this vision, without speaking of

others, which abide in the soul when it is past. If it be from

God, the fruits thereof show it, when the soul receives light;

for, as I have often said, [6] the will of our Lord is that the

soul should be in darkness, and not see this light. It is,

therefore, nothing to be wondered at that I, knowing myself to be

so wicked as I am, should be afraid.

11. It is only just now it happened to me to be for eight days in

a state wherein it seemed that I did not, and could not, confess

my obligations to God, or remember His mercies; but my soul was

so stupefied, and occupied with I know not what nor how: not that

I had any bad thoughts; only I was so incapable of good thoughts,

that I was laughing at myself, and even rejoicing to see how mean

a soul can be if God is not always working in it. [7] The soul

sees clearly that God is not away from it in this state, and that

it is not in those great tribulations which I have spoken of as

being occasionally mine. Though it heaps up fuel, and does the

little it can do of itself, it cannot make the fire of the love

of God burn: it is a great mercy that even the smoke is visible,

showing that it is not altogether quenched. Our Lord will return

and kindle it; and until then the soul—though it may lose its