Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

are conformed to

that which our Lord gave me to understand about them.

19. One night, when I was in prayer, our Lord spoke to me certain

words, whereby He made me remember the great wickedness of my

past life. They filled me with shame and distress; for though

they were not spoken with severity, they caused a feeling and a

painfulness which were too much for me: and we feel that we make

greater progress in the knowledge of ourselves when we hear one

of these words, than we can make by a meditation of many days on

our own misery, because these words impress the truth upon us at

the same time in such a way that we cannot resist it. He set

before me the former inclinations of my will to vanities, and

told me to make much of the desire I now had that my will, which

had been so ill employed, should be fixed on Him, and that He

would accept it.

20. On other occasions He told me to remember how I used to think

it an honourable thing to go against His honour; and, again, to

remember my debt to Him, for when I was most rebellious He was

bestowing His graces upon me. If I am doing anything wrong—and

my wrong-doings are many—His Majesty makes me see it in such a

way that I am utterly confounded; and as I do so often, that

happens often also. I have been found fault with by my

confessors occasionally; and on betaking myself to prayer for

consolation, have received a real reprimand.

21. To return to what I was speaking of. When our Lord made me

remember my wicked life, I wept; for as I considered that I had

then never done any good, I thought He might be about to bestow

upon me some special grace; because most frequently, when I

receive any particular mercy from our Lord, it is when I have

been previously greatly humiliated, in order that I may the more

clearly see how far I am from deserving it. I think our Lord

must do it for that end.

22. Almost immediately after this I was so raised up in spirit

that I thought myself to be, as it were, out of the body; at

least, I did not know that I was living in it. [10] I had a

vision of the most Sacred Humanity in exceeding glory, greater

than I had ever seen It in before. I beheld It in a wonderful

and clear way in the bosom of the Father. I cannot tell how it

was, for I saw myself, without seeing, as it seemed to me, in the

presence of God. My amazement was such that I remained, as I

believe, some days before I could recover myself. I had

continually before me, as present, the Majesty of the Son of God,

though not so distinctly as in the vision. I understood this

well enough; but the vision remained so impressed on my

imagination, that I could not get rid of it for some time, though

it had lasted but a moment; it is a great comfort to me, and also

a great blessing.

23. I have had this vision on three other occasions, and it is, I

think, the highest vision of all the visions which our Lord in

His mercy showed me. The fruits of it are the very greatest, for

it seems to purify the soul in a wonderful way, and destroy, as

it were utterly, altogether the strength of our sensual nature.

It is a grand flame of fire, which seems to burn up and

annihilate all the desires of this life. For though now—glory

be to God!—I had no desire after vanities, I saw clearly in the

vision how all things are vanity, and how hollow are all the

dignities of earth; it was a great lesson, teaching me to raise

up my desires to the Truth alone. It impresses on the soul a

sense of the presence of God such as I cannot in any way

describe, only it is very different from that which it is in our

own power to acquire on earth. It fills the soul with profound

astonishment at its own daring, and at any one else being able to

dare to offend His most awful Majesty.

24. I must have spoken now and then of the effects of

visions, [11] and of other matters of the same kind, and I have

already said that the blessings they bring with them are of

various degrees; but those of this vision are the highest of all.

When I went to Communion once I called to mind the exceeding

great majesty of Him I had seen, and considered that it was He

who is present in the most Holy Sacrament, and very often our

Lord was pleased to show Himself to me in the Host; the very

hairs on my head stood, [12] and I thought I should come

to nothing.

25. O my Lord! ah, if Thou didst not throw a veil over Thy

greatness, who would dare, being so foul and miserable, to come

in contact with Thy great Majesty? Blessed be Thou, O Lord; may

the angels and all creation praise Thee, who orderest all things

according to the measure of our weakness, so that, when we have

the fruition of Thy sovereign mercies, Thy great power may not

terrify us, so that we dare not, being a frail and miserable

race, persevere in that fruition!

26. It might happen to us as it did to the labourer—I know it to

be a certain fact—who found a treasure beyond his expectations,

which were mean. When he saw himself in possession of it, he was

seized with melancholy, which by degrees brought him to his grave

through simple distress and anxiety of mind, because he did not

know what to do with his treasure. If he had not found it all at

once, and if others had given him portions of it by degrees,

maintaining him thereby, he might have been more happy than he

had been in his poverty, nor would it have cost him his life.

27. O Thou Treasure of the poor! how marvellously Thou sustainest

souls, showing to them, not all at once, but by little and

little, the abundance of Thy riches! When I behold Thy great

Majesty hidden beneath that which is so slight as the Host is, I

am filled with wonder, ever since that vision, at Thy great

wisdom; and I know not how it is that our Lord gives me the

strength and courage necessary to draw near to him, were it not

that He who has had such compassion on me, and still has, gives

me strength, nor would it be possible for me to be silent, or

refrain from making known marvels so great.

28. What must be the thoughts of a wretched person such as I am,

full of abominations, and who has spent her life with so little

fear of God, when she draws near to our Lord’s great Majesty, at

the moment He is pleased to show Himself to my soul? How can I

open my mouth, that has uttered so many words against Him, to

receive that most glorious Body, purity and compassion itself?

The love that is visible in His most beautiful Face, sweet and

tender, pains and distresses the soul, because it has not served

Him, more than all the terrors of His Majesty. What should have

been my thoughts, then, on those two occasions when I saw what I

have described? Truly, O my Lord and my joy, I am going to say

that in some way, in these great afflictions of my soul, I have

done something in Thy service. Ah! I know not what I am saying,

for I am writing this as if the words were not mine, [13] because

I am troubled, and in some measure beside myself, when I call

these things to remembrance. If these thoughts were really mine,

I might well say that I had done something for Thee, O my Lord;

but as I can have no good thought if Thou givest it not, no

thanks are due to me; I am the debtor, O Lord, and it is Thou who

art the offended One.

29. Once, when I was going to Communion, I saw with the eyes of

the soul, more distinctly than with those of the body, two devils

of most hideous shape; their horns seemed to encompass the throat

of the poor priest; and I beheld my Lord, in that great majesty

of which I have spoken, [14] held in the hands of that priest, in

the Host he was about to give me. It was plain that those hands

were those of a sinner, and I felt that the soul of that priest

was in mortal sin. What must it be, O my Lord, to look upon Thy

beauty amid shapes so hideous! The two devils were so frightened

and cowed in Thy presence, that they seemed as if they would have

willingly run away, hadst Thou but given them leave. So troubled

was I by the vision, that I knew not how I could go to Communion.

I was also in great fear, for I thought, if the vision was from

God, that His Majesty would not have allowed me to see the evil

state of that soul. [15]

30. Our Lord Himself told me to pray for that priest; that He had

allowed this in order that I might understand the power of the

words of consecration, and how God failed not to be present,

however wicked the priest might be who uttered them; and that I

might see His great goodness in that He left Himself in the very

hands of His enemy, for my good and for the good of all.

I understood clearly how the priests are under greater

obligations to be holy than other persons; and what a horrible

thing it is to receive this most Holy Sacrament unworthily, and

how great is the devil’s dominion over a soul in mortal sin.

It did me a great service, and made me fully understand what I

owe to God. May He be blessed for evermore!

31. At another time I had a vision of a different kind, which

frightened me very much. I was in a place where a certain person

died, who as I understood had led a very bad life, and that for

many years. But he had been ill for two years, and in some

respects seemed to have reformed. He died without confession;

nevertheless, I did not think he would be damned. When the body

had been wrapped in the winding-sheet, I saw it laid hold of by a

multitude of devils, who seemed to toss it to and fro, and also

to treat it with great cruelty. I was terrified at the sight,

for they dragged it about with great hooks. But when I saw it

carried to the grave with all the respect and ceremoniousness

common to all, I began to think of the goodness of God, who would

not allow that person to be dishonoured, but would have the fact

of his being His enemy concealed.

32. I was almost out of my senses at the sight. During the whole

of the funeral service, I did not see one of the evil spirits.

Afterwards, when the body was about to be laid in the grave, so

great a multitude of them was therein waiting to receive it, that

I was beside myself at the sight,