Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

me, nor so clearly explained

to me, the vanity of this world.

7. The Truth of which I am speaking, and which I was given to

see, is Truth Itself, in Itself. It has neither beginning nor

end. All other truths depend on this Truth, as all other loves

depend on this love, and all other grandeurs on this grandeur.

I understood it all, notwithstanding that my words are obscure in

comparison with that distinctness with which it pleased our Lord

to show it to me. What think you must be the power of His

Majesty, seeing that in so short a time it leaves so great a

blessing and such an impression on the soul? O Grandeur!

Majesty of mine! what is it Thou art doing, O my Lord Almighty!

Consider who it is to whom Thou givest blessings so great! Dost

Thou not remember that this my soul has been an abyss of lies and

a sea of vanities, and all my fault? Though Thou hadst given me

a natural hatred of lying yet I did involve myself in many lying

ways. How is this, O my God? how can it be that mercies and

graces so great should fall to the lot of one who has so ill

deserved them at Thy hands?

8. Once, when I was with the whole community reciting the Office,

my soul became suddenly recollected, and seemed to me all bright

as a mirror, clear behind, sideways, upwards, and downwards; and

in the centre of it I saw Christ our Lord, as I usually see Him.

It seemed to me that I saw Him distinctly in every part of my

soul, as in a mirror, and at the same time the mirror was all

sculptured—I cannot explain it—in our Lord Himself by a most

loving communication which I can never describe. I know that

this vision was a great blessing to me, and is still whenever I

remember it, particularly after Communion.

9. I understood by it, that, when a soul is in mortal sin, this

mirror becomes clouded with a thick vapour, and utterly obscured,

so that our Lord is neither visible nor present, though He is

always present in the conservation of its being. In heretics,

the mirror is, as it were, broken in pieces, and that is worse

than being dimmed. There is a very great difference between

seeing this and describing it, for it can hardly be explained.

But it has done me great good; it has also made me very sorry on

account of those times when I dimmed the lustre of my soul by my

sins, so that I could not see our Lord.

10. This vision seems to me very profitable to recollected

persons, to teach them to look upon our Lord as being in the

innermost part of their soul. It is a method of looking upon Him

which penetrates us more thoroughly, and is much more fruitful,

than that of looking upon Him as external to us, as I have said

elsewhere, [4] and as it is laid down in books on prayer, where

they speak of where we are to seek God. The glorious

St. Augustin, [5] in particular, says so, when he says that

neither in the streets of the city, nor in pleasures, nor in any

place whatever where he sought Him, did he find Him as he found

Him within himself. This is clearly the best way; we need not go

up to heaven, nor any further than our own selves, for that would

only distress the spirit and distract the soul, and bring but

little fruit.

11. I should like to point out one result of a deep trance; it

may be that some are aware of it. When the time is over during

which the soul was in union, wherein all its powers were wholly

absorbed,—it lasts, as I have said, [6] but a moment,—the soul

continues still to be recollected, unable to recover itself even

in outward things; for the two powers—the memory and the

understanding—are, as it were, in a frenzy, extremely

disordered. This, I say, happens occasionally, particularly in

the beginnings. I am thinking whether it does not result from

this: that our natural weakness cannot endure the vehemence of

the spirit, which is so great, and that the imagination is

enfeebled. I know it to be so with some. I think it best for

these to force themselves to give up prayer at that time, and

resume it afterwards, when they may recover what they have lost,

and not do everything at once, for in that case much harm might

come of it. I know this by experience, as well as the necessity

of considering what our health can bear.

12. Experience is necessary throughout, so also is a spiritual

director; for when the soul has reached this point, there are

many matters which must be referred to the director. If, after

seeking such a one, the soul cannot find him, our Lord will not

fail that soul, seeing that He has not failed me, who am what I

am: They are not many, I believe, who know by experience so many

things, and without experience it is useless to treat a soul at

all, for nothing will come of it, save only trouble and distress.

But our Lord will take this also into account, and for that

reason it is always best to refer the matter to the director.

I have already more than once said this, [7] and even all I am

saying now, only I do not distinctly remember it; but I do see

that it is of great importance, particularly to women, that they

should go to their confessor, and that he should be a man of

experience herein. There are many more women than men to whom

our Lord gives these graces; I have heard the holy friar Peter of

Alcantara say so, and, indeed, I know it myself. He used to say

that women made greater progress in this way than men did; and he

gave excellent reasons for his opinion, all in favour of women;

but there is no necessity for repeating them here.

13. Once, when in prayer, I had a vision, for a moment,—I saw

nothing distinctly, but the vision was most clear,—how all

things are seen in God and how all things are comprehended in

Him. I cannot in any way explain it, but the vision remains most

deeply impressed on my soul, and is one of those grand graces

which our Lord wrought in me, and one of those which put me to

the greatest shame and confusion whenever I call my sins to

remembrance. I believe, if it had pleased our Lord that I had

seen this at an earlier time, or if they saw it who sin against

Him, we should have neither the heart nor the daring to do so.

I had the vision, I repeat it, but I cannot say that I saw

anything; however, I must have seen something, seeing that I

explain it by an illustration, only it must have been in a way so

subtile and delicate that the understanding is unable to reach

it, or I am so ignorant in all that relates to these visions,

which seem to be not imaginary. In some of these visions there

must be something imaginary, only, as the powers of the soul are

then in a trance, they are not able afterwards to retain the

forms, as our Lord showed them to it then, and as He would have

it rejoice in them.

14. Let us suppose the Godhead to be a most brilliant diamond,

much larger than the whole world, or a mirror like that to which

I compared the soul in a former vision, [8] only in a way so high

that I cannot possibly describe it; and that all our actions are

seen in that diamond, which is of such dimensions as to include

everything, because nothing can be beyond it. It was a fearful

thing for me to see, in so short a time, so many things together

in that brilliant diamond, and a most piteous thing too, whenever

I think of it, to see such foul things as my sins present in the

pure brilliancy of that light.

15. So it is, whenever I remember it, I do not know how to bear

it, and I was then so ashamed of myself that I knew not where to

hide myself. Oh, that some one could make this plain to those

who commit most foul and filthy sins, that they may remember

their sins are not secret, and that God most justly resents them,

seeing that they are wrought in the very presence of His Majesty,

and that we are demeaning ourselves so irreverently before Him!

I saw, too, how completely hell is deserved for only one mortal

sin, and how impossible it is to understand the exceeding great

wickedness of committing it in the sight of majesty so great, and

how abhorrent to His nature such actions are. In this we see

more and more of His mercifulness, who, though we all know His

hatred of sin, yet suffers us to live.

16. The vision made me also reflect, that if one such vision as

this fills the souls with such awe, what will it be in the day of

judgment, when His Majesty will appear distinctly, and when we

too shall look on the sins we have committed! O my God, I have

been, oh, how blind! I have often been amazed at what I have

written; and you, my father, be you not amazed at anything, but

that I am still living,—I, who see such things, and know myself

to be what I am. Blessed for ever be He who has borne with me

so long!

17. Once, in prayer, with much recollection, sweetness, and

repose, I saw myself, as it seemed to me, surrounded by angels,

and was close unto God. I began to intercede with His Majesty on

behalf of the church. I was given to understand the great

services which a particular Order would render in the latter

days, and the courage with which its members would maintain

the faith.

18. I was praying before the most Holy Sacrament one day; I had a

vision of a Saint, whose Order was in some degree fallen. In his

hands he held a large book, which he opened, and then told me to

read certain words, written in large and very legible letters;

they were to this effect: “In times to come this Order will

flourish; it will have many martyrs.” [9]

19. On another occasion, when I was at Matins in choir, six or

seven persons, who seemed to me to be of this Order, appeared and

stood before me with swords in their hands. The meaning of that,

as I think, is that they are to be defenders of the faith; for at

another time, when I was in prayer, I fell into a trance, and

stood in spirit on a wide plain, where many persons were

fighting; and the members of this Order were fighting with great

zeal. Their faces were beautiful, and as it were on fire.

Many they laid low on the ground defeated, others they killed.

It seemed to me to be a battle with heretics.

20. I have seen this glorious Saint occasionally, and he has told

me certain things, and thanked me for praying for his Order, and

he has promised to pray for me to our Lord. I do not say which

Orders these are,—our Lord, if it so pleased Him, could make

them