Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

>He was determined upon it. I was so much harassed by this that I

did not know what to do in order to change his purpose; and it

seemed to me as if nothing could be done. I implored God, from

the bottom of my heart, to find a way to hinder it; but till I

found it I could find no relief for the pain I felt. In my

distress, I went to a very lonely hermitage,—one of those

belonging to this monastery,—in which there is a picture of

Christ bound to the pillar; and there, as I was imploring our

Lord to grant me this grace, I heard a voice of exceeding

gentleness, speaking, as it were, in a whisper. [2] My whole

body trembled, for it made me afraid. I wished to understand

what was said, but I could not, for it all passed away in

a moment.

4. When my fears had subsided, and that was immediately, I became

conscious of an inward calmness, a joy and delight, which made me

marvel how the mere hearing a voice,—I heard it with my bodily

ears,—without understanding a word, could have such an effect on

the soul. I saw by this that my prayer was granted; and so it

was; and I was freed from my anxieties about a matter not yet

accomplished, as it afterwards was, as completely as if I saw it

done. I told my confessors of it, for I had two at this time,

both of them learned men, and great servants of God.

5. I knew of a person who had resolved to serve God in all

earnestness, and had for some days given himself to prayer, in

which he bad received many graces from our Lord, but who had

abandoned his good resolutions because of certain occasions of

sin in which he was involved, and which he would not avoid; they

were extremely perilous. This caused me the utmost distress,

because the person was one for whom I had a great affection, and

one to whom I owed much. For more than a month I believe I did

nothing else but pray to God for his conversion. One day, when I

was in prayer, I saw a devil close by in a great rage, tearing to

pieces some paper which he had in his hands. That sight consoled

me greatly, because it seemed that my prayer had been heard.

So it was, as I learnt afterwards; for that person had made his

confession with great contrition, and returned to God so

sincerely, that I trust in His Majesty he will always advance

further and further. May He be blessed for ever! Amen.

6. In answer to my prayers, our Lord has very often rescued souls

from mortal sins and led others on to greater perfection. But as

to the delivering of souls out of purgatory, and other remarkable

acts, so many are the mercies of our Lord herein, that were I to

speak of them I should only weary myself and my reader. But He

has done more by me for the salvation of souls than for the

health of the body. This is very well known, and there are many

to bear witness to it.

7. At first it made me scrupulous, because I could not help

thinking that our Lord did these things in answer to my prayer; I

say nothing of the chief reason of all—His pure compassion. But

now these graces are so many, and so well known to others, that

it gives me no pain to think so. I bless His Majesty, and abase

myself, because I am still more deeply in His debt; and I believe

that He makes my desire to serve Him grow, and my love revive.

8. But what amazes me most is this: however much I may wish to

pray for those graces which our Lord sees not to be expedient, I

cannot do it; and if I try, I do so with little earnestness,

force, and spirit: it is impossible to do more, even if I would.

But it is not so as to those which His Majesty intends to grant.

These I can pray for constantly, and with great importunity;

though I do not carry them in my memory, they seem to present

themselves to me at once. [3]

9. There is a great difference between these two ways of praying,

and I know not how to explain it. As to the first, when I pray

for those graces which our Lord does not mean to grant,—even

though they concern me very nearly,—I am like one whose tongue

is tied; who, though he would speak, yet cannot; or, if he

speaks, sees that people do not listen to him. And yet I do not

fail to force myself to pray, though not conscious of that

fervour which I have when praying for those graces which our Lord

intends to give. In the second case, I am like one who speaks

clearly and intelligibly to another, whom he sees to be a

willing listener.

10. The prayer that is not to be heard is, so to speak, like

vocal prayer; the other is a prayer of contemplation so high that

our Lord shows Himself in such a way as to make us feel He hears

us, and that He delights in our prayer, and that He is about to

grant our petition. Blessed be He for ever who gives me so much

and to whom I give so little! For what is he worth, O my Lord,

who does not utterly abase himself to nothing for Thee? How

much, how much, how much,—I might say so a thousand times,—I

fall short of this! It is on this account that I do not wish to

live,—though there be other reasons also,—because I do not live

according to the obligations which bind me to Thee.

What imperfections I trace in myself! what remissness in Thy

service! Certainly, I could wish occasionally I had no sense,

that I might be unconscious of the great evil that is in me.

May He who can do all things help me!

11. When I was staying in the house of that lady of whom I have

spoken before, [4] it was necessary for me to be very watchful

over myself, and keep continually in mind the intrinsic vanity of

all the things of this life, because of the great esteem I was

held in, and of the praises bestowed on me. There was much there

to which I might have become attached, if I had looked only to

myself; but I looked to Him who sees things as they really are,

not to let me go out of His hand. Now that I speak of seeing

things as they really are, I remember how great a trial it is for

those to whom God has granted a true insight into the things of

earth to have to discuss them with others. They wear so many

disguises, as our Lord once told me,—and much of what I am

saying of them is not from myself, but rather what my Heavenly

Master has taught me; and therefore, in speaking of them, when I

say distinctly I understood this, or our Lord told me this, I am

very scrupulous neither to add nor to take away one single

syllable; so, when I do not clearly remember everything exactly,

that must be taken as coming from myself, and some things,

perhaps, are so altogether. I do not call mine that which is

good, for I know there is no other good in me but only that which

our Lord gave me when I was so far from deserving it: I call that

mine which I speak without having had it made known to me

by revelation.

12. But, O my God, how is it that we too often judge even

spiritual things, as we do those of the world, by our own

understanding, wresting them grievously from their true meaning?

We think we may measure our progress by the years which we have

given to the exercise of prayer; we even think we can prescribe

limits to Him who bestows His gifts not by measure [5] when He

wills, and who in six months can give to one more than to another

in many years. This is a fact which I have so frequently

observed in many persons, that I am surprised how any of us can

deny it.

13. I am certainly convinced that he will not remain under this

delusion who possesses the gift of discerning spirits, and to

whom our Lord has given real humility; for such a one will judge

of them by the fruits, by the good resolutions and love,—and our

Lord gives him light to understand the matter; and herein He

regards the progress and advancement of souls, not the years they

may have spent in prayer; for one person may make greater

progress in six months than another in twenty years, because, as

I said before, our Lord gives to whom He will, particularly to

him who is best disposed.

14. I see this in certain persons of tender years who have come

to this monastery,—God touches their hearts, and gives them a

little light and love. I speak of that brief interval in which

He gives them sweetness in prayer, and then they wait for nothing

further, and make light of every difficulty, forgetting the

necessity even of food; for they shut themselves up for ever in a

house that is unendowed, as persons who make no account of their

life, for His sake, who, they know, loves them. They give up

everything, even their own will; and it never enters into their

mind that they might be discontented in so small a house, and

where enclosure is so strictly observed. They offer themselves

wholly in sacrifice to God.

15. Oh, how willingly do I admit that they are better than I am!

and how I ought to be ashamed of myself before God! What His

Majesty has not been able to accomplish in me in so many

years,—it is long ago since I began to pray, and He to bestow

His graces upon me,—He accomplished in them in three months, and

in some of them even in three days, though he gives them much

fewer graces than He gave to me: and yet His Majesty rewards them

well; most assuredly they are not sorry for what they have done

for Him.

16. I wish, therefore, we reminded ourselves of those long years

which have gone by since we made our religious profession. I say

this to those persons, also, who have given themselves long ago

to prayer, but not for the purpose of distressing those who in a

short time have made greater progress than we have made, by

making them retrace their steps, so that they may proceed only as

we do ourselves. We must not desire those who, because of the

graces God has given them, are flying like eagles, to become like

chickens whose feet are tied. Let us rather look to His Majesty,

and give these souls the reins, if we see that they are humble;

for our Lord, who has had such compassion upon them, will not let

them fall into the abyss.

17. These souls trust themselves in the hands of God, for the

truth, which they learn by faith, helps them to do it; and shall

not we also trust them to Him, without seeking to measure them by

our measure which is that of our meanness of spirit? We must not

do it; for if we cannot ascend