"Student Union" by SJ Bottomley (best e book reader .txt) 📖

Essay
“Student Union” by S.J. Bottomley
Monday, 17 September, 2007

“If you don’t like me for who I am, then you don’t like me for who I am. But all I’m gonna be...is who I am!”
Avril Lavigne

Prologue
Kathryn McKenna. Christ alive! Forget Beth, forget Hannah, even forget Georgina. The most interesting and exciting romantic story that I have been involved in so far this year is and has been focused around the girl at Tesco. I find it terrifying that the last five or six months or whatever it has been...four or five, sorry; it’s terrifying to consider that the last four or five months might not have happened if circumstances had been only a little bit different. To my way of thinking, if Georgina and I hadn’t have kissed, then I wouldn’t have wrote about her, or at least not in the way that I did. This wouldn’t have then led me to avrillavigne.com and consequently, my re-infatuation with Kathryn would probably never have happened. I’m so immensely thankful that on that dull morning in early April, as I walked into Tesco to buy the second Arctic Monkeys album; I’m so thankful that in that instance, I turned to my left at exactly the right moment and saw her, saw her looking completely amazing. The reason for this is that in the time that has passed since that day, I have enjoyed, delighted even, in being so madly in love with somebody. It has been an unbelievable time and an equally unbelievable feeling and one that has been a pleasure to experience. And now...it’s all over.
It couldn’t last forever. I knew that. I was never SO in love that I lost sight of this. I was always aware that the day would come when for one reason or another, Kathryn and I would no longer see each other. Sooner or later, this would be a fact of life, a reality that I would simply have to live with. Unfortunately, this has happened most definitely sooner that I had hoped. I was prepared for this. Or, at least as prepared as one can be in this kind of situation. I knew how I would feel when it ended. I’m not quite sure if I expected it to conclude this quickly. What I would like to do in this essay is not only assess what has occurred over the past few months, but also to look forward, if that is at all possible and try to reach some kind of an understanding as to what this might mean for what happens in the future.

One
The biggest thing that I had to get my head around was why this was even happening in the first place. I had dealt with Kathryn. As far as I was concerned, she was old news. Something that had happened a long time ago. Oh, nice to look back on from time to time, to be sure. But, equally, something that belonged in the past and that should, therefore, be left there. At the beginning of April 2007, Kathryn meant no more to me than a name that belonged in a list. Filed neatly somewhere between Sarah and Sonal. In fact, funnily enough, speaking of lists, one such list that I wrote at roughly this time will indicated perfectly how seldom I thought of Kathryn then. In “The Wildchild”, exactly that kind of thing exists. For reasons that I went in to in that particular piece of writing, I decided to make a note of all of the women that I have ever been infatuated with, for want of a better way of putting it. This was then split up into two distinct groups. The first detailed the ones that I have declared my love for and have rejected me and the second were the girls/women that I have been attracted to but that I chose not to inform of my feelings. Kathryn was in the second group. The point that I wish to make though is this. In that list, I made the most hideous of spelling mistakes. I spelt “Kathryn” as “Katherine”. Looking back, this was a terrible error to make. Still, it is a crude, but effective way, of proving what I’m trying to say. I always knew that it was “Kathryn”, this isn’t something that I have learnt about her since I have fallen in love with her again. As I say, I always knew this. The reasoning, I think, has to be that over the years that have passed since I left Tesco and subsequently fell out of love with her and I slowly forgot about her, I also, somehow, forgot how to spell her name properly. Funnily enough, though, the second that my feelings for her returned, so did the correct spelling of “Kathryn” and it was only then that I realised what I had done and how stupid how I had been. But, I will go into the whole falling out and then falling back in love with her again in a short moment. For now, I’ll continue...So, I started writing, typing about Georgina and all of a sudden that picture of Kathryn belonging in the past changed. I won’t waste time going through what happened, for a second time. If you’ve read “Avril Lavigne” by now, then you will know all about that. What I will re-emphasise, though, because I do think that it is important, is as I was saying above, as well as in the original piece that I wrote; is the shock and confusion that I felt when I realised what was going on. Yes, the connection had been made in my head between Kathryn and Lavigne, but, so what? This was hardly new in itself. When I had been infatuated with her first time around, I had come to the same conclusion. There was nothing whatsoever that was profound about this. It was simply a case of me remembering something that I used to think about several years ago. Besides, it wasn’t as though I was desperately searching for someone to fall in love with. Quite the contrary, in fact. They were all positively queuing for my attention, fighting one another off. There was, in no particular order- Beth, Georgina and coming up quickly on the outside, Bench. Not forgetting Jo. Who, after Valentine’s Day, a couple of months previously, was still hanging around, not really wanting to be forgotten. Counting her as well, I make that four. And knowing that only one of these was more than enough to be getting on with, thankyou very much, the last thing that I needed, if not wanted, was a fifth. Another name, another heartbreaker being added to that list. Unfortunately, though, this was exactly what happened and I knew from the moment that it started, that there was nothing I could do about it.
Assessing that moment in time now, four, five months later, I find myself asking a different question. It’s not, “Why was I falling in love with Kathryn again?” anymore, now it’s “Well, why did I ever fall out of love with her in the first place?”. This, I thought, was a much more relevant question to ponder. In the years that had passed, there was nothing amazing about the situation that had changed. Kathryn was still very much Kathryn. And I, as far as I could tell, at least, was still me. It wasn’t as though, just like that, out of nowhere, she was suddenly breathtakingly beautiful and drop dead gorgeous. She WAS breathtakingly beautiful and drop dead gorgeous, but then, she had always been that way. Right from the first time that I saw her. And from that instant, I had fallen for her immediately. It was impossible for me not to do this. I don’t believe any sane, straight man would find it easy to do this either. This continued while she was in Australia, was still there when she got back and remained right up to the time that I left and for a period afterwards, as well. I guess, then, slowly, over several months, maybe even as much as a year, who knows; then, the lights went out. This never happened purposefully. It wasn’t as though I consciously told myself, “I must fall out of love with Kathryn as soon as possible...”.Why should I think like that? I had no reason to. Things changed, that was what it was, essentially. My life, both of our lives moved on and were headed in different directions. I wrote towards the end of “Avril Lavigne” about the day that I saw her on the bus, looking as though she was on her way home from university. And at the same time, looking completely depressed. To me, it was Kathryn physically, that was there, but not Kathryn mentally or spiritually. I’d never seen her with that sort of expression on her face before, and I haven’t seen it on her since. Now, alright, Kathryn is never what you would call sprightly or enthusiastic or energetic. Let’s not be silly. She’s no Georgina, she’s not a tank of energy that’s forever bursting to get out. She’s more calm, laid back and altogether, a much cooler customer. So, being aware of this, I’m also aware that it means that she’s not likely to ever be overly smiley, overly elaborate with her facial expressions. Conversely, if she’s unhappy, she wouldn’t be too quick to reveal this to you either, through her general demeanour. Which is why, what I was witness to on that particular day didn’t quite compute. She didn’t appear angry, just really, genuinely...depressed. That’s the only way I can put it. Adding two and two together, I came to the conclusion that it must have been the education that was making her feel that way. It took me a while to figure this out but couple the fact that I never saw her in or around the university again, with the fact that she seemed to be at work a lot more frequently than previously, and this all equalled what looked suspiciously like the classic example of a “college dropout”. I don’t like to use such a term on someone who I like so much and whom I care for, but putting it bluntly, that is what she was. She must have had her reasons and I’m sure that it had to be an exceptionally difficult decision for her to make. That’s the truth of it, though. And it meant that afterwards, the two of us were no longer doing the same thing.
So, why did it happen? Why did I fall out of love with her? The above was a big reason for this. However, there were others that can be added, as well. Most notably, of course, other women came along. Being in a university, these days, is as much about being in a social setting as it is about being in an academic setting. More so, maybe. On a day to day basis, at university, I would see hundreds and hundreds of people. Some of whom I knew, most of whom, I didn’t. And, a fair proportion of these people that I was seeing were women. Ninety percent of them, my age too. Or thereabouts. Faced with these facts, then, it really was something of an inevitability. Eventually, a girl or women at university would come to my attention, via one means or another, and I would be heading down that all too familiar route again. Perhaps it’s as clear cut and easy as I thought it would be to actually identify just who it was who immediately replaced Kathryn and so, if you like, replaced her. There is Donna, she