I Should Have Told You by Hero Joong-Saeng (have you read this book txt) 📖

sprawled out across the soft fabric couch. Siwon remembered when Hankyung would always meet him at the bus stop after work to walk him back home and waking up at seven in the morning just to walk him to the bus stop. Hankyung always worried about Siwon and his health. The elder always told him to exercise and eat well; he told him almost every day. Now Siwon can see why he did it. It was part of Hankyung’s caring nature that made Siwon adore him so much. At that moment Siwon was considering hopping on the next flight out of here to China to meet with Hankyung.

So before you walk away and i just walk on out just know.

Siwon watched Hankyung walk through that gate and knew it was most definitely the right thing to do but why did he regret it so much? The younger’s feet had drawn him away from the gate instead of towards it and knowing that Hankyung was going to look back any second. To look back and see an empty space standing before him, where Siwon once stood. As soon as Hankyung was out of sight the *Dongsaeng’s tears began to gather in his eyes and his face began to flush light red. Siwon placed his hand on his heart and felt the beats move rapidly. He wanted to walk back so bad but thought that once he did he wouldn’t be able to draw himself away. Away from his Hyung’s heart-warming encirclement from his thin arms around his toned body. In his mind he knew it was right but in his heart it was telling him the opposite.
Siwon never looked back.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you understand.

“Im sorry, I only just realised it when I said goodbye…” Hankyung whispered to himself. He wanted to spend another day with Siwon. Another day. Another minuet. Another moment. That’s all he wanted, he wanted to lie down next to Siwon late at night, on the moonlit floor and tell him about his day like he always did but he can only just sit and wait for a crushed dream. Hankyung was completely drained of everything; the only thing that ran through his mind was Siwon and how much he needed him, cherished him, wanted to be around him and loved him.
He was blinded by it all.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

“Why didn’t I tell you?” Hankyung asked himself repeatedly in his mind; over and over again trying to find the answer, the answer to the action he regretted not doing.
“I wanted to tell you…if only I knew how I felt at the time” Hankyung mumbled under his low sobs. Hankyung was pleading to himself to see Siwon again. He missed his dimpled smile, warm hugs, beautiful deep brown eyes, soft lullaby’s he sung some nights when Hankyung had trouble sleeping, his radiating glow and most of all how the elder felt when he was around his Dongsaeng. If anyone asked Hankyung what he knew about Siwon, he could tell them everything. If anyone asked Hankyung if he was Siwon’s friend he would say yes. If anyone asked Hankyung if he loved Siwon, well that’s a different story. He could tell you Siwon’s favourite colour is blue; He hates to argue, born on the 10th. His personality is captivating, he has his father’s eyes and if you asked him if he loved him. He’d lie. Siwon stood there then walked away. My gosh if Hankyung could only say “Im holding every breath for you” he would; But he’d never tell anyone Siwon can play guitar, “I think he can see through everything but my heart” and first thought when he woke up is “my gosh he’s beautiful” so he’d put on his best fake smile then just only hope for a miracle that day.
Hankyungs only way to make that miracle come true is too go back to Seoul and see Siwon again.

It’s all it will ever be.

Hankyung wasn’t going to tell himself that Siwon would welcome him with open arms like he did when he came home from work each day, It was different now; there was a lot more emotion and feeling behind it all.He was going to be rejected if he went back he could feel it in the pit of his stomach but yet a small part was thinking otherwise. That little spot in his heart that gave him the most minuscule of hopes that he could be with that flawless young man, somewhere in his mind he still thought it was a bit absurd that he fell for him in the first place; after all Siwon wasn’t exactly what he had been looking for all these years but stumbled upon the idea haphazardly. First of all Siwon was a man, second Hankyung hadn’t had a girlfriend in six years and began to become less interested in women…and reason three…Siwon was there when no one else was, Siwon was there six years ago when Hankyung’s heart was destroyed by the girl he loved and perhaps Hankyung didn’t realize that he had fallen in love with Siwon six years ago but just never took the time to think about it. He was really considering going back to Seoul, despite his health he had to see Siwon again.

I don’t know why, or are we learning all the way or is it all just wasted time?

"If you love me, why don't you let me know?" Siwon sighed, barely audible.
Siwon and Hankyung both feared rejection but then again who doesn’t.Siwon sat in his room leaning against the wall, slightly rocking his head to hit the wall over and over again while his mind trailed off to what would happen if he met with Hankyung.As for Hankyung he paced up and down his living room, contemplating whether or not to go back and stay or just forget everything.
"If you love me, why don't you let me know?" Hankyung sighed, barely audible.

Or someday maybe we will find our way.

Hankyung finally came to a conclusion after a long line of thoughts.
Hankyung is going to meet with Siwon, disregard of his health. Siwon was more important to him that his own life.
Siwon finally came to a conclusion after many silent tears he cried.
Siwon is going to meet with Hankyung, disregard of what Hankyung had said. Hankyung was too important to him to let him slip through his fingers and go through his treatment alone, Siwon wanted to be by his side no matter what happened.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you understand.

Siwon’s phone started ringing on the coffee table; he picked it up and looked at the caller ID. He instantly picked up.
“Siwonnie?” Hankyung asked from the other end of the phone.
“Ge ge......... I thought I would never hear your voice again” Siwon sighed.
“I t-thought you were mad at m-me?” Hankyung stuttered with a sense of wonder in his husky voice. He had been crying.
“Of course not Hankyung-shi, I could never be mad at you” Siwon whimpered.
“Siwon…I would give up everything to see you again” The Chinese boy said in a hushed tone with a hint of sorrow.
“I know”
“That’s why im coming back, I will meet you at Seoul airport tomorrow” Even though Siwon couldn’t see Hankyung, he knew he was smiling.
“I will be there. I promise you, cross my heart. I won’t let you down” Siwon was smiling too.
“Thank you……My Siwonnie” Hankyung hung up the phone.
‘My Siwonnie’ ‘My Siwonnie’ ‘MY….Siwonnie’ stayed plastered in Siwon’s mind, he didn’t forget the elder’s soft and caring words. Siwon could have chosen to forget everything.
Should he forget? He doesn’t want to.
He won’t forget? So he doesn’t.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

Today was the day Siwon see’s Hankyung-shi again. Siwon couldn’t wait to see his wide smile, gleaming eyes and hear his exquisite voice once again. The younger man stood outside the front door to the airport, slowly sighing under his breaths and taking in everything going on around him. Siwon could hear the blood pounding in his ears and the wind blowing swiftly by his sides that sent small shivers of coldness down his body. Siwon took his first step through the front door and continued walking; not looking away from where he was heading, he dodged past the on-coming crowds of people and luggage they were carrying until he arrived at gate number nine.


Told You.

Gate number nine, the gate in which Hankyung would soon be standing at. Siwon scanned the area with anxious squinted eyes and Hankyung wasn’t anywhere to be seen. The Korean man sat down on one of the metal silver benches by the gate and waited. He waited at least an hour before feeling disappointed that his Hankyung didn’t arrive, there was no sight of him. So with that he stood up and began to walk away before hearing a frail voice call his name repeatedly, it was getting louder and louder by the second. Siwon turned around only to be hit by a great force of someone’s body, the man’s arms wrapped around Siwon’s thin waist and the man’s head resting on his chest.
It was Hankyung.
“Siwon-shi…...” Hankyung whispered in a weak voice that could barely be heard in Siwon’s ears. Siwon ran one hand through Hankyung’s soft light brown hair and placed the other around his back holding him securely.
“I didn’t think you were coming” Siwon whimpered with a single tear running down his cheek that fell and landed a place on Hankyungs right cheek bone.
“You’re crying Siwonnie” Hankyung threw a small smile to Siwon and wiped the tears from his loved one’s eyes with his soft hands. Hankyung looked still very ill, pale face, black eyes and slumped over posture. Siwon held Hankyung close. Every time Siwon held him he was always afraid he would drop him but promised himself it wouldn't happen.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you Understand.


"I never want to leave you again, under any circumstances" Hankyung whispered, leaning into Siwon's collar bone.
"I know Ge ge but you have to get better" Siwon stated in a saddened voice.
"But if you want to stay......its your choice...you can go home, get better and be away from me or you can stay here in Korea, with minor treatment, feeling ill...but...you will be with me. Its up to you Hankyung-shi, I trust you will make the right decision." Siwon hushed then moved Hankyung's fringe out of his eyes and stared. He could stare at those bright, glass like eyes for hours but his eyes were red, dark and dull during the moment. Siwon leaned in and kissed Hankyung on the forehead before removing the elder from his arms. At that moment when Siwon’s plump, warm yet lustful lips touched his forehead Hankyung realised how much he longs to reach up and kiss those trembling lips.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry......I'm sorry....I really am" Hankyung wept while fluttering his eyes. "So what are you going to do Hannie-ah?" Siwon asked giving Hankyung the full blown
view of his wide pleading eyes while his expression remained neutral.
“I don’t want to leave you…” Hankyung gave a dull sigh while looking down at the ground.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

“Don’t worry Hannie, I will find a way to make this work. I promise.” Siwon grabbed both of Hankyungs hands and bought them up to his mouth to give them a light peck.
“Siwonnie……” Hankyung