I Should Have Told You by Hero Joong-Saeng (have you read this book txt) 📖

Key:
Korean
Hyung – Referring to an older male
Dongsaeng – Referring to a younger.
Saranghaeyo – I love you too
Chinese
Wo ai ni – I love you

After the laughter passes by and what remains are shadows of the Truth you try to hide.

Siwon knew there was something troubling Hankyung when he saw him staring out the window with a blank gaze; he watched the rain trickle down the window as it hit the top of the window frame. Siwon knew he should confront him and demand Hankyung to tell him what’s wrong but he didn’t. He just left Hankyung sitting by the window, he just left him crying silent tears that Siwon didn’t even notice, even when the light shone on each indivual tear trailing down Hankyungs cheeks. He just walked away like nothing was wrong yet knowing something was defiantly wrong with this picture; the smallest of smudges or the biggest of cracks, there was something very wrong with Hankyung.
It was only later that day Siwon found out what was wrong, Hankyung seemed to have been avoiding Siwon and he didn’t like it. It was only later that day he was standing in front of a pale faced, crying and fragile Hankyung who really wanted to say something but couldn’t quite gather his words together, he was never like that; Hankyung always smiling and filled with laughter but it seems his happiness was led astray. They stood in silence for a second before Siwon reached his arms out to take Hankyung in his warm embrace to calm the elder from crying. Hankyung couldn’t help but accept his Dongsaeng’s kindness and hug him back. Siwon placed his hands on Hankyungs shoulder’s and confronted him then and there.
“Hankyung, what’s wrong? You look terribly sick and your shaking, you can tell me anything you know that right? Im always here for you” Siwon said directly to Hankyung while looking at his bloodshot, light brown eyes.
“Come here” Siwon whispered before hugging him again, he knew soon enough his delicate and fragile *Hyung would start crying again.
Hankyung held onto Siwon as if not wanting to let go, he dug his finger nails painfully into Siwon’s back, creasing the material. Hankyung sobbed into the crook in Siwon’s neck as Siwon ran his long slender fingers through Hankyungs hair while lightly tousling it. A slight cold air blew past and he felt Hankyung tremble a bit. He could tell he was scared about something.Even though Siwon knew Hankyung wasn’t going to break, he was afraid to drop him; leaving him shattered like a glass hitting the cold wooden floor.
“I have to go…” Hankyung whispered into Siwon’ ear before the younger pushed Hankyung away slightly.
“Where?” Siwon asked.
“Back to China. The treatment I need for my illness i…is limited in South Korea so I have to leave, I...I have to terminate my contract with SM entertainment and go back h...h...Home” Hankyung still slightly sobbing from the earlier incident.
“When will you be back?” Siwon asked curiously while looking down at the floor.
Hankyung fell silent for a long minuet.
“Hankyung, please say something…please” Siwon pleaded.
“I will never be coming back” At that moment Hankyung clung onto Siwon once again before leaving the room; He left Siwon standing there in his chain of thoughts, in his sorrowful gaze.

And for our sins left, never reconciled.


Siwon didn’t understand why Hankyung kept it in this long; it ate Hankyung alive until it forced him to cry his heart out. Siwon knew why he wanted to keep it a secret; he didn’t want to hurt anyone Hankyung was to kind and gentle to do that to anyone. Siwon sat on the wooden floor in the living room just thinking, his mind raced with images of him and Hankyung on stage, in the apartment with the rest of their friends and lying on the floor at night talking about their long day. Not anymore, there were no more performances, no one else in the apartment and no late night conversations.Just bitter silence. Hankyung was never around anymore, every day Siwon would wake up to the empty bed across from his or a note in the kitchen saying ‘Gone out, be back later. Hankyung’ No reason why he went and no stating where he went, that’s as simple as it was. Siwon knew one day they would have to part ways but just not this soon, it tore him apart to know he was forever going to be away from his Hyung.

The simple truth is hearts were made just to feel, no matter how we try.

Siwon and Hankyung sat in the back of the taxi both staring out the window, fingers interlocked with each other’s. Hankyung clearly didn’t want to leave; he turned to face Siwon while tightening his grip. Siwon slowly turned to look at a sad Hankyung looking back at him.
“Siwon, will y…you forget me when im g…gone?” Hankyung stuttered.
“How could you ask such a thing!? Of course I won’t forget you Hyung, you are one of the most important people in my life. Im never going to lose you, even if you don’t come back. You’re my…my…best friend” Siwon felt as if he wanted to say something different but urged himself to say that instead.
“Really? Thank You Siwon-shi, I…I…wish I never had to leave” Hankyung also wanted to say something but knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Hankyung was unsure of his feelings for the younger male; I mean he couldn’t possibly feel like more than a best friend towards him, he would have to be insane to feel that way but he knew there was definitely something there. He just wasn’t sure. Siwon on the other hand was pretty sure of his feelings towards Hankyung; he liked Hankyung a lot, a lot more than he thought.Siwon always treasured Hankyung as if he was a diamond or a rare item of some sort.
Siwon turned back to look at Hankyung watching the streets pass by for the last time, this time Siwon noticed the tears that ran down Hankyung’s face. Siwon untangled their fingers and pulled Hankyungs head onto his shoulder allowing the elder to rest before interlocking their fingers together again. Hankyung’s eyes began to slowly close shut but soon fluttered open like blinds again when they came to a stop. Siwon dragged Hankyung out of the taxi placing his arm over Hankyungs shoulder to show his support. They pulled out Hankyungs bags from the taxi and slowly dragged them through the airport, trying to spend as much of their last minuets together as possible. Siwon never let go of Hankyungs hand, not even once during their walk.

If i don’t see you again, i only hope someday you understand.

They reached the boarding gate and Siwon’s heart began to race just knowing that as soon as Hankyung walks through that gate he will be gone. Gone forever. Hankyung just stopped and stared at the gate number with a completely devastating and saddened look and Siwon just sighed knowing the worst was about to come.
“So I guess…this is it then” Hankyung slowly sobbed.
“Yeh, I guess so” Siwon sobbed back.
“Isn’t there any way you can stay here?”
“No, I can’t. Im sorry…” Hankyung’s hand loosened from Siwon’s falling to his side as if he desperately didn’t want to let go. Hankyungs eyes were soon filled with tears once again and Siwon just gave a dead look towards his Hyung. Hankyung instantly wrapped his arms around Siwon’s waist as the younger pulled Hankyung’s head into his chest. Hankyung could hear the fast paced beat of Siwon’s heart pounding in his chest that was flowing through Hankyung’s ears, at that moment he just wanted to scream. Why was the painful feeling spreading throughout his body? Even with his Siwon’s warmth collecting on the outside of his body, he still felt cold and lonely in heart. Siwon let go of Hankyung for the last time and watched him slowly step through that gate, Hankyung turned to face Siwon for the last time and gave a diminutive wave in Siwon’s direction.
“Goodbye…Siwon” Hankyung slowly turned his head to look away from Siwon but knew he would soon be looking back again. Hankyung walked further on down the gate hallway, pacing himself, taking each step remembering them as his heels touched the ground and then he came to a stop. He turned his head again, Siwon was gone and Siwon had not followed him or waited until Hankyung was out of sight like he had expected the younger to do, but instead…He was gone.
“Goodbye…Hankyung” It was Siwon’s turn to walk away from it all this time.
Without turning back.

Time turns good love to goodbye, i should have told you.

Siwon knew it was a stupid idea to let Hankyung slip away from him that easily without even putting up a fight or some sort of petty argument. He wanted him to stay but he wanted him to leave so he could get better. Siwon also knew even if he did get better he still isn’t coming back. Would Siwon really have made him stay if it was possible? Would Siwon really want to put him through all that pain?
No. He wasn’t like that.
That night Siwon lay on Hankyung’s old bed and let his tears fall into the pillow, breathing in Hankyung’s scent that remained on the sheets. Siwon never cried. He didn’t want to cry, but what good does covering up a tragedy do?
He cried for Hankyungs absence. The lonely presence in the room. The torn up feeling inside his heart that made it feel as if it wanted to pull itself out of Siwon’s chest, hit the floor and just shatter. Fragmented into a million pieces, unable to be fixed.
He had fallen, fallen for his best friend and yet was unable to pick himself up again.

It’s all it will ever be.

They were never going to be together, even if Hankyung walked through that door right that second…It was clear to Siwon it could never happen between them. Siwon had been thinking sometimes if they could meet again. There were times when he woke up with this strange hope, fooling himself with false illusion that Hankyung was there.
But it was just an empty room. No extra clothes in the wardrobe. No Chinese cook books on the bedside table. No one else’s sound of light breathing when asleep at night and no Hankyung. They could never be together even with the slightest bit of hope and longing for the elder Chinese boy, it was simply impossible.

And so we face the silence of another memory and draw the shades down upon a scene we once believed.

The next day Siwon sat at the kitchen table flicking through the pictures of him and Hankyung in the photo book, selecting his favourites one by one till all the pictures were removed from the book. He loved every photo with Hankyung in it. Siwon found himself gazing at a full portrait photo of Hankyung for longer than he usually would, taking in his every feature. The beautiful eyes, the sharp nose, the perfectly shaped lips. The flawless skin and his slim face. His neck, right down to his lean, light tanned and long-legged physique. His muscled, but not overly so body from all those years of dancing. Siwon remembered the way Hankyung used to always lay out Siwon’s clothes for the morning and cook him breakfast, then later exchanging stories about their day while watching a movie