How to Save a World From Dying: A Demon Apocalypse Love Story by Carl Plumer (best e reader for epub .TXT) đ
- Author: Carl Plumer
Book online «How to Save a World From Dying: A Demon Apocalypse Love Story by Carl Plumer (best e reader for epub .TXT) đ». Author Carl Plumer
A Novel by Carl S. Plumer
HOW TO SAVE A WORLD FROM DYING
A Demon Apocalypse Love Story
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5. Top of the World
The view from the summit of the Empire State Building was beautiful to behold, even for a satanic being from the center of the universe. Malum Regnator-Infernus[1] was as out of proportion to the structure as King Kong once was. The demon stood eighteen and a half feet tall. Its wingspan was more than twenty feet across. Scales covered Malum Regnator-Infernus, not like a snake, but like a disease. Small hairs the size of rose branches grew at random all over its body.
The eyes on the first of its three heads had a serpentâs split pupils, puke green. The eyes on the second head (which grew not beside the first head but on top of it the way a cyst would) were as red as a poison frogâs. The third head was stacked on top of its brothers, but this head was not worth talking about. It was a babyâs headâand it was dead.
The teeth of the bottom-most head were filled with slime and bits of everything it had ever eaten. The head above it contained teeth that, while rotting, were virtually free of debris. Just sharp wolfâs teeth, with gums as rosy as Christmas ribbon.
The first head also sported huge, elephant bat ears (if there were such a creature). The head above had no ears at all, but it was the head that wore the âcrown,â so to speak. That is to say, it displayed antlers, the kind youâd find on a creatureâs head hanging in a gentlemenâs club. Only this one was diseased, bloody, wormed-up, with the larvae of various insects from throughout the universe wriggling around inside and out.
The breath of the head at the bottom reeked of rotten, putrid flesh, of blood ill-gotten, of stolen life. Of lies and treachery, of colluding with the Nazis, of voting for the other side. Of gossiping behind your back and later lying to your face. The head in the middle smelled, by contrast, of fire and, of course, brimstone. And oddly of gasoline, too, or maybe kerosene or, perhaps, ordinary lighter fluid.
Malum Regnator-Infernus clawed at a pimple on his back with one hand, while reaching around and scraping hardened poo matter off his rectum with another. With yet another hand, it picked its nose and ate it with a third. The demon gazed stupidly out at the nightâs landscape, though the thing was not stupid at all. This beast was, in fact, the leader of the pack of satanic beings. It led them to Earth years ago. Found the parents and killed them. Not just killed them; tore them asunder.
Malum Regnator-Infernus, the same demon thatâthough changed now, morphed as these demons do, accumulating and absorbing other demons into themselvesâhad searched the intervening years. Searching for the son she bore, who should have been destroyed, as intended. To have been eaten and digested and ultimately crapped out on the world. Malum Regnator-Infernus was unlucky that day, while his prey had somehow escaped. Exactly as the Oracles said the boy would. Les ProphĂ©ties DĂ©moniaques[2], which they had chanted and sung for generations.
All blood under the bridge now as the boy would be found before long. The demons felt itâsensed it in their bones and their boners. Earthâs so-called savior was here, in this city, and close by. He wouldnât run, because he wouldnât know he was being hunted.
The âoneâ would be caught, tortured, and torn apart as his parents were. At that time, the real feasting could begin, the celebration. Because, according to the Prophesies, without killing that boy first, they could be interrupted, taken off track, even destroyed if he were to suddenly appear. Best to destroy the boy of the Prophesies first.
Then, and only then, could their job begin: the annihilation of Earth.
âThis was fuckinâ amazing Thai, man!â Timmy Jimmy shouted. He flipped his hair out of his eyes. Meanwhile, hot sauce (heat level 5 of 5) oozed down his narrow goatee, which was really more of an extended soul patch than any kind of beard.
âTell me about it,â Bryan said, burping, his eyes crossing just a bit.
âSo, girlfriend,â Helena slurred, talking to Dani, âwho was that hunk you were draped over all night, anyway?â
âThat motherfucker? He was hot, sure. But he had a strange look in his eyes, yâknow? Not to say I wouldnât have let him do me. Just not boyfriend material. I mean, a girl has got to have rules to live by.â
Both girls giggled. Dani farted a quick little âfrrrp!â by accident from the chuckling. They stopped laughing, sitting in awkward silence until they broke into chortles, even louder.
âNo way! Did he know you arenât a girl?â
âWhat are you talking about, bitch? I am a girl.â
âYouâre a tranny, honey.â
âA âtransgender woman,â please. A little respect.â
âOkay, okay. But while you were flirting and all that, he didnât notice your, uh, well, âotherâ assets?â
âHe was too drunk to see straight, and I kept his hands away from the southern regions. Not that it would have mattered. Itâs all sheathed in steel anyways.â
They both started laughing again, which morphed into ping-ponging hiccups. Which caused even more laughter.
âJeez, you two. What the hellââ Mallory shoved Helena, getting a bit of peanut sauce on her shoulder, and joined in the chuckling. âHa ha ha!â
She splashed wine on Helenaâs blouse, which only caused all to laugh harder. Helenaâs blouse was wine-colored; fortunately, it was the exact shade of the stain. She may as well have spilled water on herself.
âOkay, Iâm outta here,â Zachary said, standing, swaying a bit. âVolunteering at the food bank again tomorrow. Early.â
A chorus of groans, protests, and mocking comments.
âYeah, whatever. Iâll see you around,â he said. âAnyone want to share a cab?â
Mallory stopped laughing and wiped at the wet stain on Helenaâs blouse. âShe do,â she said. âI mean, I do.â She snorted. Her girlfriends giggled themselves dry.
âI didnât mean you, babe,â he said. Turning to the group again, he said, âAnyone else?â
No takers.
âIn that case,â Zachary said, turning to Mallory. âYou ready to go?â
âExactly what are you implying? Hee hee.â
More giggles from the female peanut gallery.
âGet ya coat,â Zach said, rolling his eyes. âJeeziz.â
Outside, spitball rain pelted the couple. No cabs in sight.
âWhat the fuck time is it?â Zachary asked, taking out his phone to check. â5:12. Dammit. It will be light soon.â He put his arm around Mallory, as much to help himself stay upright as to protect her.
A cab splashed up Broadway.
âHere we go,â said Zachary. âTAXI!â He waved.
The cab skidded up to them and Zachary opened the door for Mallory, let her in, slammed her door tight. He rushed to the other side. Before he could grab the handle, though, the taxi pulled away, tires spinning.
âHey!â Zachary shouted.
But she was gone.
Zachary ran down Broadway, like an idiot. Heâd seen this scene in the movies. A lot. Heâd read this same passage in many different novels. They all had the identical plot point. Which was: The hero rises to the task, commandeers a vehicle, finds guns and one or two lethal friends to become the kidnappersâ worst nightmare.
Problem was, Zachary wasnât secretly a trained assassin or a ninja warrior. Just a regular guy with an ordinary 8-to-8 job. He stood lonely on the side of the road, watching the cab weave its way up Broadway and into oblivion. He stepped back onto the sidewalk.
What was he feeling? Helplessness? Were those tears? This was not how men react. His head spun. He stared at his own two hands. Why was there no sword, no shotgun, no rocket launcher in them?
Instead, Zach pulled out his iPhone 12G14 and dialed the emergency number: 911-912-913-914.
The WERM[3] walked him through the various options (âNote: Their menu has changed.â). For murder, press 1. For assault, press 2. For armed robbery, press 3. For kidnapping or other hostage-related situations, press 4. For rape, press 5. For misdemeanors, please press 6 for the misdemeanor submenu. For all other crimes, press 7. To repeat this menu, press 8. If you are in immediate peril, please hang up and call 911-569-000-778-14-188, option 19, star-5. If you estimate that you are about to die within the next sixty seconds, please stay on the line.
If thatâs not possible, please shove your phone up your own ass and start praying. Thereâs nothing we can do for you. Zachary thought this last to himself; they werenât part of the recording. Couldâve been, but werenât.
Zachary paused for a minute, not sure he remembered which button to push. Something told him it was 3. No, 4. No, wait⊠He pressed 8 to listen to the menu again. 1, 2, 3. Yes, he was right. He pushed 4.
Please wait. The next available operator who couldnât give a shit will be with you whenever they damn well want to. Your wait time will be an eternity (Zach was thinking all this to himself, again.).
âHello, whatâs your emergency?â
âMy girlfriendâs been kidnapped.â
âName?â
âHers or mine?â
âYours.â
âZach. Um, Zachary Zemeritus.â
âCan you spell that?â
âFirst or last?â
âBoth, please.â
âJeeziz. Is this really necessary? Canât I tell you what happened first? You can take my personal information after.â
âJust following S.O.P.[4]â
âWhat?â
âProcedure.â
âAh . . .â Zachary recited the letters that made up his name.
âThank you. All right, we place your location at 40.753359° North latitude, by -73.989323° West longitude.â
âWhat?â
âBroadway and West 49th Street, Manhattan.â
âOh. Right.â
âIs that the location of the incident in question, or have you moved on?â
âNo, this is pretty much where it happened.â
âWe are gathering all available video footage as we speak. This includes footage from cellphones connected to the ânet in your current area, for the specific time. Which way did the vehicle travel?â
âFor as long as I could see them, uptown.â
âWeâll focus on those cameras only for now. What kind of vehicle was it?â
âA taxi. A New York City yellow cab.â
âA cabbie kidnapped your girlfriend?â
âI donât think he was a legitimate cab driver.â
âOkay, what is your girlfriendâs name?â
âMallory Alexandria.â
âSpell that pleaseâboth first and last.â
âM-A-L-L-O-R-Y A-L-E-X-A-N-D-R-I-A.â
âCan you please provide me with a description?â
âUm⊠black, shoulder length hair. Thin. 5-7, 5-8. Mid-twenties. Cute smile, and her eyes twinkle when sheââ
âOkay, I think I have enough. You should spot a patrol bot nearby.â
âWhat?â Zach squinted around. Across the street, approaching him above the roofs of the cars, was an NYC BlueBot.âą âYeah, I see it.â
âThe bot will take over from here while we analyze the digital data. Do you have any other questions?â
âNo, wait. Donât you need my contact information?â
âNo, weâre all set. We gathered all that from your phone and connected to every database we needed, including GINKS.[5]â
âGreat.â
âHave a good day, Mr. Zemaroots.â
âZemeritus.â
âRight.â
Zach hung up and gazed up at the bot as it descended with deliberation to hover at about Zachâs eye height.
âWell now, citizen,â the bot squawked. âIt would appear we have work to do!â
CARL PLUMER was born in New York City and holds degrees in English and Writing. PLUMER has spent his life surrounded by words. Heâs delivered newspapers, worked at a printing press, managed a bookstore, taught writing, wrote literary magazine works, published technical and fiction books, and has always considered himself a writer. His first novel, "Mad About Undead You," was a 2013 Quarterfinalist for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, and a 2013 Finalist for the Indie Excellence Award.
PLUMER is inspired by his wife Kristen and their four children spread about the globe.
To learn more please visit carlplumer.com.
[1] Pronounced MAH-lum REJ-nuh-tour IN-fur-nuhs. Loosely translated, it means âthe Evil Ruler of Hell.â [2] The Demon Prophesies. [3] The Worldwide Emergency Reaction Menu. [4] Smart-ass Operating Procedure. Basically, step-by-step procedure for how things are done. With attitude, and far too often, ineptitude. [5] The Googleplex International Network of Knowledge and Society, housed at, and maintained by, the Pentagon. Pronounced âjinx.â
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