Secret War: Warhammer 40,000 by Ben Agar (reading eggs books TXT) 📖

"And that was one frigging hard pill to swallow," growled Garrakson, his harsh tone somehow making me feel even more guilty.

"Now, Attelus, we don't know why you hurt that kid, and to be honest, don't care," said Torris. "We just want to know if that you did in that club whether or not you did it was mostly out of guilt for what you had done to that kid."

Despite myself, sudden irrational fear pounced to the surface, fear which turned my heart to ice, I did indeed do it in part to that guilt, but I wasn't sure whether they would agree with that. I had been left to guess about oh so much while working under Glaitis. Still, I never before had I felt this weight of consequence and uncertainty, and it terrified me beyond belief; Torris and Garrakson were mercenaries, hired killers, selfishness was all part of the job, so why the hell was this so damn important to them? Why did they care!? Why couldn't my actions be enough?

"W-why? Why the hell do you want to know?" I managed.

"It's a simple question, Attelus," said Garrakson, "and a simple answer yes or no, you can take your time, but we aren't moving until you answer."

I desperately looked from Garrakson to Torris back and forth, back and forth, desperate to find some clue in their impartial expressions, but to my dismay, I found nothing.

Finally, I sucked in air through clenched teeth before saying, "yes, it was a partial contributor to my action," and it was almost physically painful to admit.

Both Garrakson and Torris exchanged looks then Garrakson finally said, "yes, we thought as much."

"It was pretty damned obvious," said Torris. "But it was good to hear you say it."

"So? You two already knew, but you still were still willing to put me through that?" I said, sounding more exasperated than I should have.

"You were willing to throw away your life then, and there weren't you, Attelus?" said Garrakson, ignoring my statement, "and doing it because you felt guilty about what you did to Vex would have been stupid."

"You are extremely lucky to survive," said Torris. "If you had died, you wouldn't have gotten the opportunity to apologise to that kid legitimately, and so your sacrifice to him would in all likelihood seemed hollow and self-important."

"What you really needed to do was to face the music in the first place. You should have built up the courage to say you're sorry to his face, and you are extremely lucky to get a second chance to do it," said Garrakson; then, immediately, his face lightened. "But it is also good to hear you didn't do it just because of that."

"W-what would have happened if I had?" I asked, feeling an extreme mix of both guilt and relief.

"Let's just say that this lecture would have gone on for longer," said Garrakson. "We may be ruthless mercs, kid, but we still care about a few things."

"A very few things," emphasised Torris with good humour.

"Kid, we'll leave this subject only if you promise us is that the very first thing you do once you recover is you find Vex, and you frigging well apologise."

It was deja-vu all over again when I was a child. I remembered that my father and had given me similar lectures after every single time I had fallen into that blind rage and had hurt others because of it. Like every time, I had found it extremely hard to face the person I had hurt afterwards. But once I had worked up that courage and confronted the kid and said sorry, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

No wonder Glaitis insisted on calling me 'child' as I was still one on so many facets.

"No," I said with newfound determination and much to Garrakson's evident surprise. "I swear it."

We conversed for the next half hour, with Elandria all the while staying outside, and through them, I found out that now everything was back to square one.

"We're still running into dead ends," Torris had said. "Still chasing our tales."

"Though our bloody encounters against the hammers have been a lot fewer kid," said Garrakson with a sniff. "It seems that they have gone even further into hiding."

"Hmmm, not surprising, in all honesty," I managed. "And it also seems that Brutis Bones is in, someway, involved with the Inquisition, which explains the organisation's funding as well as Taryst's paranoia. I had a slight suspicion, but when I went in there, I wasn't exactly expecting they'd have a frigging Arco Flagellant."

"Fair enough," said Garrakson with another sniff; he didn't seem at all surprised at my conclusion. But he wasn't stupid; he would have at the very least guessed it also or, on a darker note, knew it.

"Well, we'd better go," sighed Torris as he got off his seat. "We've still got to take our newest report to the big man himself."

"Right," agreed Garrakson. "We can't keep him waiting in eager anticipation to hear more of our 'exploits'."

"Garrakson, wait," I said, causing the ex-guardsman to halt his exit. "Do you truly think that an apology would be enough for Vex?"

Garrakson smiled and shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not, kid, but it's something which is better than nothing."

Then he turned to leave but once again, I stopped him.

"Just one more thing, could you send in Elandria for me? Before you go, I need to talk to her."

Garrakson looked to Torris, who shrugged and said, "I don't see why not, boss; we can spare a few minutes."

The ex-guardsman sighed. "Sure, kid, but don't take too long; we all know that it will be tough, but we don't have all day to wait around for you to have your fun."

I felt my face flush, and Torris sniggered in agreement, then they left.

"We'll wait outside the medicae," I just managed to hear Garrakson inform this to Elandria before he shut the door behind him.

I only had to wait a few seconds before Elandria entered.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Could you please close the door, Elandria?" I croaked.

She looked at me with a strange uncertainty, then she turned and hesitantly complied.

"So now will you tell me what the hell is it you want?"

"Thanks, El; I just have one thing I want to know. No, one thing I truly need to know, in the Twilight bar, what the hell exactly happened?"

"Hah!" she exclaimed suddenly and with a resounding bitterness so potent it took my breath away. "Didn't the great Castella Lethe tell you when you first woke up? Or don't you trust even her now?"

"I-I truly don't know who the hell to trust anymore," I admitted, my words sounding more strained with sadness than I had intended.

"What did she actually say to cause you to be this...?" she trailed off.

"Suspicious? She said that all of the people I had attempted to protect had survived that they all fled and had escaped the Arco Flagellant's wrath, but in all honesty, it seems far too good to be true; I just wish I could remember it."

And the reason why I couldn't remember I could hazard a myriad amount of guesses on.

She grinned. "Oh indeed, I guess that would be suspicious, but you know what? I'm not going to tell you."

"What?"

"Oh no, and you know why? Because you don't deserve it!" she suddenly closed on me from across the room so fast it made me flinch in surprise, and she brought her face so close to mine that our lips almost touched. Her expression was one of cold rage, and horrible fear gripped me as it seemed she was going to kill me, and I would be utterly incapable of defending myself.

"What you did was beyond stupid," she hissed, and I could feel her spittle speck on my face. "To throw your life away like that out of some misguided self-righteousness just makes me sick, and for what? To save the lives of a group of pathetic nothings who you don't even know! For such complete and utter idiocy, I believe you need to be punished. In fact, I would have let you die for it, but for some reason, quite beyond me, mistress Glaitis wanted to keep you alive. No, I won't answer your question. I will let you lie here and writhe in your own uncertainty; it is the very least you deserve."

It was then that the realisation hit me, and the pain of it was beyond description. "Glaitis put you up to this, didn't she?" I cried. "She had Castella tell me that, and she knew I wouldn't believe it! She knew that the disbelief would eat at me; this is the punishment for what I did, oh no! No!"

That was cruel; even for Glaitis, it was cruel. Could this be the one reason why she had me saved, to torture me this way? What kind of people do I work for, who would do such a terrible thing?

Elandria got back to full height and grinned that disturbing grin. "Maybe or I could just be doing this extracurricular, but that I won't answer as well. Oh, I do hope that you have your fun, Attelus Kaltos; I know I will."

With that, she turned and walked away, ignoring me as my desperation overwhelmed my pain as I writhed in my sheets and pleaded out after her impervious back; "please don't do this, please don't be this cruel Elandria, please Elandria. Please! Elandria! Elandriaaa!"

Her only reply was the slamming door, leaving me all alone once more.

 For a long time afterwards, unrelenting agony swept through me from head to toe.

I could barely breathe, my vision blurred as tears welled in my eyes, but otherwise, I stayed silent, never did I whine or complain, determined that I would not show such weakness just in case they bugged the room. I had already shown enough weakness as it was. I had moved far too much and now dealing with the consequence that was all I seemed to do lately, dealing with retribution in one way or form, perhaps it wasn't actually for my actions at the Twilight Bar the reason why Glaitis was putting me through this hell? Perhaps it was for what I did to Vex?

But why would Elandria have said it was for what I did at the Twilight Bar? In all honesty, I could not imagine it was about the Vex incident; the term 'selflessness' was the very anathema of Glaitis' soul. Sure, you were expected to sacrifice yourself for the contract. Still, only after it was fulfilled, before that you were supposed to resort to anything and everything to win, and we still had yet to hunt down Brutis Bones and so, contract unfulfilled as simple as that.

I had faced down the Arco Flagellant without giving a single thought of what would happen if I somehow had survived. That wasn't just punishment; this was Glaitis' cruel attempt at teaching me a lesson, that such kind actions would lead to nothing but pain and misery. Again, it was the brainwashing; she was trying to break my spirit, turn me into a monster like Darrance, like Elandria, like my father, like her.

She was putting so much effort into my indoctrination, which