Royally Emma by Lucia Roberts (classic literature list .txt) 📖

to answer whatever unspoken question lingered there.. I looked past the formality and the logic and I found a glimpse of what I was looking for. And then, I gave up. I threw my arms around him and cried.
 
 I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I didn't want to stay in that world. If I could find a way out of it I would. If I could stay here and play this shitty hand of cards as best I could to not have to even consider the fact that I would one day not come home and never see Constance again and never get looked at like I was a freak again or that anything else that I loved or hated might be lost. I cried all of these things into his shoulder for at least an hour until my pathetic sobs came down to shuddering breaths and all he had to say as he held me there was an almost untraceable whisper “I'd miss you too” and I started crying soft tears for a loss I may or may not have.

 I don't know how long we'd been like that: knees on the floor and my arms thrown around his neck, his white lab coat drenched in tears. But slowly he stood now, and pulled me up with him, not untangling his arms from me. “Demeter, I hate to do this to you, but we must let your mother back in now. If you like, I can tell her that you fell asleep and to come back in a few hours.. but I cannot keep you over night. You would have to have come back late twice as to decipher an anomaly from an patterned dis-return in order for me to have bounds to keep you over-night. I nodded into his chest. I was actually dreading pulling my head away from him for reasons of what I feared my eyes and face looked like: which I'm sure was terrible. But I had to.

 I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. His hands dropped to his sides and then crossed over his chest like he didn't know what to do with them anymore. It kind of made me smile. I looked up at him with all the strength I had to face him and hoped we wouldn't become awkward now. I think I did care and I think he might care too. He was rambling enough … haha. But I had to say something. Make up my mind. If I stayed here for an hour or two I knew full well I wouldn't sleep and that he wouldn't stay in the room as I'm sure he has other patients. “No, that's alright.. But I need to tell you something first.” I put my hand up on my opposing shoulder as I did when I was nervous and tried to drop it to keep at my side but I was too self conscious to do so. I fidgeted and I could tell he was getting nervous.
“I did meet someone..” I looked up at him “But I don't like him or anything 'cause I think I like you but I've only seen him once and I followed him to this cool waterfall and saw these pretty fish and then I followed him back to the village entrance and fell asleep on my rock at least a few hours before I was due back. I didn't want to stay there I only thought about the fishies and...” I was having trouble breathing again. “and... I didn't mean to I swear!” A tear rolled down again.
 His mouth was parted slightly and I knew I'd stunned him. “I'm sorry, I had to say something. I just, I just needed to tell you that before I left.”
 
 I dared a glance at him and although I saw a departed look in his eyes as he swept the tear that was tracing my cheekbone away and said softly “It's ok. I.. I know. Uhm, let me escort you out. We're not done with this conversation though.” He said as he straightened up and laid his jacket in his chair as he walked me to the door.  “Mrs. Rapohannock, I will need to see her again tomorrow. Just to give her another check up and in case something happens again tomorrow afternoon. Will that be alright?” My mother had taken my hand as soon as she had seen my eyes. Not that I cry much but still, she knew. I listened to Constance's voice as if it were a buoy in the ocean.
 
 “Yes, that will be fine. I appreciate your help Dr. Marrone. Thank you so much!” She turned to start toward the door and Constance signaled for someone to call a MedBus. He looked at me then and nodded. I'm not sure what it meant, but, as I looked forward again I somehow felt like things might be ok; like tomorrow might be certain. If he believed it was, then so would I.

 I tried to hold to that.  But, really it was hard to hold to anything when thinking of your impending doom. I wish the terms “sleepless nights” could apply to me but no matter what I do, I'm forced to sleep. Maybe sleeping pills would have the opposing effect on me.. or not. Probably the latter. There's so many options for everyone else and none for me. Not even a life. My life was built the moment that gun went off. Or, probably before that. It was in my genes after all. But either way, I have a schedule that can not be changed or altered which makes everything, including school, dating, and mischief awfully hard to do.
 
I really, really, do not want to go to Sleep tonight. But, honestly, can you blame me?

 I glance over at my mother and nearly start crying all over again. I make a vow not to look her way again until the bus trip is over with. She doesn't seem to thrilled with the outcome of the visit. We didn't really find anything out anyways. And what I personally learned, I'm not all too thrilled about either. But, he made it seem like I could choose to stay or not; which I guess is good news. The downside is that it's just not credible to me.. the staying part yes, but the choosing part no. Because I didn't want to stay in the Other-Realm where I was always alone and still weird, but mostly just alone. Why would I want to stay there? I mean I really don't. And yet, I came back late. I don't want to stay... Do I?

Chapter 6

 

Year:  ?
Month: October
Day: Friday
Time: 2:03:36 PM-OR

I felt the rock before I heard anything, this is normal, but I guess it sort of had a finality to it. Like, I could have been just in a mid-sleep stage or something where there's really nothing there; no sound, no touch, no colour; like the beginning of a day dream. But the rock was a touch, no longer a suggestion of dreams, I knew where I was and that was that. I couldn't help but feel the rock in my stomach as it quickly sank and filled me with an unmistakeable dread because the outcome of the night/day would tell me of my future; my impending doom per say.

I sat there; as still as I think I'd ever been, eyes crushed shut, wishing myself away. I knew I couldn't. But I could hope right? Maybe I'd be the next famous patient of Doctor Marrone. I'd be the one who beat the genetics of our time. Then maybe he wouldn't be so worried about doctor/patient conflicts and he would come out and tell me how he really feels because I'd be famous. Being famous helps with things like that. I sighed. I could hope, but, I won't. The mind is too complicated yet. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them close. The afternoon sun had left the rock warm but the cold was creeping in fast and low. I haven't open my eyes; as that would be an even more final finality than the rock itself. The sun was nice though.

I wonder if I ought to move spaces. I mean, I've stayed here because it is where I fade in and I guess I always just assumed I had to leave from here too. Somehow I'm beginning to doubt that though. I may have been lucky up til now with wild animals and, up til yesterday, townsfolk. Normally they keep to themselves which is what made yesterday's encounter odd. The cocky bastard had an air about him that puzzled me: a cockiness as though he knew something I did not, and the way he answered me before I asked things while at the same time as he seemed as though he was oblivious to things he oughtn’t be.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. Somehow I kind of expected to see the Irish Man again, but he was no where to be found. Just the town with its stone entrance way and the forest in the other direction. I released the anxiety in my breath I took in with a slight relaxation come to my shoulders in relief. I stood slowly to do a 360 just in case. Everything looked just fine and dandy until I glanced at my rock and saw something folded and brown. I finished my 360 and when everything else looked alright I turned back to the rock with the brown thing. I knew what it was. It was simply trouble.
So why did trouble make me want to smile and cry at the same time?

I hesitated and tried not to bite my lip as I reached for it. I didn't want to have anything to do with it but I'm naturally a very curious person. I knew what the thing was of course, but what I did not know was why the coat was left for me. It was such a sweet gesture that I didn't know how to feel. So I stood there staring at it like an idiot. I wanted to hope that it meant he wouldn't be here today, but it also meant other things. It meant he's caring, and he cares for me. It meant that maybe he knew I was always here; which sort of scared me in a way but I still couldn't quite feel stalked. Something about it seemed right. But then again, anything that I do could hold me here. And that is the thought that brought the sadness. And I'm still staring at the coat. I wanted to put it on so badly. I mean, after all, it was getting cold rather quickly tonight and to let such a sweet gesture go to waste... It's not like I'm talking to the man or anything. I'm just keeping myself warm. Yeah, that can't be too bad. And I don't have one of my own today. I wonder why? A small sarcastic laugh went off in the back of my mind but for my sanity I decided to ignore that. I stared at the