The Rivals by Richard Brinsley Sheridan (story books to read TXT) 📖

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Sir ANTHONY Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a woman know?

Mrs. MALAPROP Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning - neither would it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments. - But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. Then, sir, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts; - and as she grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know something of the contagious countries; - but above all, Sir Anthony, she should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not mis-spell, and mis-pronounce words so shamefully as girls usually do; and likewise that she might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony, is what I would have a woman know; - and I don't think there is a superstitious article in it.

Sir ANTHONY Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you; though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer, for almost every third word you say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs. Malaprop, to the more important point in debate - you say you have no objection to my proposal?

Mrs. MALAPROP None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres, and as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have better success.

Sir ANTHONY Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable of this yet, though I have for some time had the proposal in my head. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs. MALAPROP We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope no objection on his side.

Sir ANTHONY Objection! - let him object if he dare! - No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was always very simple - in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this"; - if he demurred, I knocked him down - and if he grumbled at that, I always sent him out of the room.

Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience! - nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity. - Well, Sir Anthony, I shall give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's invocations; - and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible.

Sir ANTHONY Madam, I will handle the subject prudently. - Well, I must leave you; and let me beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to enforce this matter roundly to the girl. - Take my advice - keep a tight hand: if she rejects this proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive how she'd come about. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition. She has somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger - sure, Lucy can't have betrayed me! - No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have made her confess it. - Lucy! - Lucy! - [Calls.] Had she been one of your artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs. MALAPROP Yes, girl. - Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

LUCY No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs. MALAPROP You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned - -

LUCY Oh gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out.

Mrs. MALAPROP Well, don't let your simplicity be imposed on.

LUCY No, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP So, come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius; but mind, Lucy - if ever you betray what you are entrusted with (unless it be other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence for ever; and your being a simpleton shall be no excuse for your locality. [Exit.]

LUCY Ha! ha! ha! - So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little respite. - [Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as they please of appearing expert, and knowing in their trusts; commend me to a mask of silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it! - Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately. - [Looks at a paper.] For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away with an ensign! - in money, sundry times, twelve pound twelve; gowns, five; hats, ruffles, caps, &c., &c., numberless! - From the said ensign, within this last month, six guineas and a half . - About a quarter's pay! - Item, from Mrs. Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her - when I found matters were likely to be discovered - two guineas, and a black paduasoy. - Item, from Mr. Acres, for carrying divers letters - which I never delivered - two guineas, and a pair of buckles. - Item, from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, two gold pocket-pieces, and a silver snuff-box! - Well done, Simplicity! - Yet I was forced to make my Hibernian believe, that he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the niece; for though not over rich, I found he had too much pride and delicacy to sacrifice the feelings of a gentleman to the necessities of his fortune. [Exit.]


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ACT II

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Scene I. - CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's Lodgings. [CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE and FAG.]

FAG Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me to inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you.

ABSOLUTE And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

FAG Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen interjectural oaths, and asked, what the devil had brought you here.

ABSOLUTE Well, sir, and what did you say?

FAG Oh, I lied, sir - I forgot the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he got no truth from me. Yet, with submission, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix what has brought us to Bath; in order that we may lie a little consistently. Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir, very curious indeed.

ABSOLUTE You have said nothing to them?

FAG Oh, not a word, sir, - not a word! Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman (whom I take to be the discreetest of whips) - -

ABSOLUTE 'Sdeath! - you rascal! you have not trusted him!

FAG Oh, no, sir - no - no - not a syllable, upon my veracity! - He was, indeed, a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir - devilish sly! My master (said I), honest Thomas (you know, sir, one says honest to one's inferiors,) is come to Bath to recruit - Yes, sir, I said to recruit - and whether for men, money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor any one else.

ABSOLUTE Well, recruit will do - let it be so.

FAG Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly - indeed, to give the thing an air, I told Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five disbanded chairmen, seven minority waiters, and thirteen billiard-markers.

ABSOLUTE You blockhead, never say more than is necessary.

FAG I beg pardon, sir - I beg pardon - but, with submission, a lie is nothing unless one supports it. Sir, whenever I draw on my invention for a good current lie, I always forge indorsements as well as the bill.

ABSOLUTE Well, take care you don't hurt your credit, by offering too much security. - Is Mr. Faulkland returned?

FAG He is above, sir, changing his dress.

ABSOLUTE Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony and Miss Melville's arrival?

FAG I fancy not, sir; he has seen no one since he came in but his gentleman, who was with him at Bristol. - I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down - -

ABSOLUTE Go, tell him I am here.

FAG Yes, sir. - [Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

ABSOLUTE Well, well.

FAG And, in tenderness to my character, if your honour could bring in the chairmen and waiters, I should esteem it as an obligation; for though I never scruple a lie to serve my master, yet it hurts one's conscience to be found out. [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE Now for my whimsical friend - if he does not know that his mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him - -

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return.

FAULKLAND Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I went on. Well, what news since I left you? how stand matters between you and Lydia?

ABSOLUTE Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I expect to be recalled every hour.

FAULKLAND Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

ABSOLUTE What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? you forget that, my friend. - No, no, I could have brought her to that long ago.

FAULKLAND Nay then, you trifle too long - if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

ABSOLUTE Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no; I must prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to her, before I risk it. - Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the hotel?

FAULKLAND Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

ABSOLUTE By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing, captious, incorrigible lover! - Do love like a man.

FAULKLAND I own I am unfit for company.

ABSOLUTE Am I not a lover; ay, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry every where with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

FAULKLAND Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake and throw again; - but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to succeed, were