The Divine Comedy MMIX by Walt Sautter (e books free to read txt) 📖

THE DIVINE COMEDY MMIX
By Walt

Copyright Sautter 2010

ACT I

NARRATOR
It's a beautiful day in heaven, blue skies, occasional white puffy clouds, a light breeze and of course, perfect temperature. It's an everyday in heaven!
(GABRIELE enters with wings and wearing a white robe.
GOD old man in a white robe, with flowing white beard.
God is in His splendor, seated on his throne.)
GOD
"Why are you always sneaking up on me like that? Can't you flap a wing or something to let me know you're here?"
GABRIELE
"Sorry Sir! I just kinda thought that you knew I was here. You being all-knowing and such."
GOD
"That's right, I am all-knowing, but I use the all-knowing for the big stuff, like keeping the planets going the right way and the sun working; not to check out the little stuff, like you sneaking up on me all the time.
So what is it that you want?"
GABRIELE
"Well Sir, there's a lot of talk going on down there lately.
GOD
"Talk about what? Where?"
GABRIELE
"Earth, of course Sir. They’re talk about the Second Coming. The Rapture!"
GOD
"The raptors. Don't tell me that they’re extinct already? I planned on having them around for at least another hundred thousand years! What did it? That global warming thing?
Wait till I get my hands on...
On second thought, let me call Al Gore."
GABRIELE
"No Sir! Rapture! Not raptor!"
GOD
"Oh! Rapture!
(God pauses and hesitates)

"You know when you get to be my age, eternal that is, sometimes your hearing starts to go."
GABRIELE
"Why don't you just fix it? You could do it with a wave of your hand."
GOD
(With a somber look)

"When you get to be eternal, the hands don't wave so good either.
Anyway, tell me more about this Rapture thing."
GABRIELE
"Well, lots of people are saying Jesus is coming back and soon!"
GOD
"He was just there a couple thousands years ago.
What do they want?
Do they want him to move in full time?
Isn't once in a while, like every million years or so, enough for them?
Hey, I'm like everybody else, I want some quality time with my kid too!
I don't want him going on all these long business trips all the time. Last time he was gone thirty-three years!"
GABRIELE
"I'm just telling you what I hear and I think maybe we should pay attention this time before things get out of hand.
Remember that the Tower of Babel thing?
They were working on it for over forty years before we really took them seriously?
We don't want to go through that stuff again, do we?"
(God pauses and thinks hard. He strokes His long, white beard and then runs His fingers back through His long white, hair as He thinks.)
GOD
"I think you're right.
I remember, I had to go all the way down to Earth and do the many tongues to show them who was boss. It was a pain!

I had to come up with a zillion different languages and don't think that was easy to do on the spur of the moment like that!

It was almost as bad as the Sodom and Gomora thing. It smelled like brimstone around here for weeks.

And parting the Red Sea; do you know what it’s like to pull that off without a special effects department?”

GABRIELE
"So what's the first we thing we should do for this Second Coming?"
GOD
"First of all, let's not calling it the "Second Coming" because you just know that if we do that then they'll want a "Third Coming" and the then a forth and fifth. Get what I mean? We don't want to keep encouraging sequels."
GABRIELE
"Absolutely right as usual Sir.”
(Gabrielle thinking out loud)

"Let's see we can't call 'Here We Go Again'. How about 'Coming - Phase Two", no!"
(Gabrielle with a look of inspiration)

"How about 'Second Coming - Smackdown II'
GOD
"'Smackdown' is already copyrighted."
GABRIELE
I got it! 'The Second Coming - This Time We're Kickin' Ass'"

GOD
"Are you kidin'? How would that make me look in the New New Testament?
GABRIELE
"What about - 'Second Coming - The Final Chapter'?"
GOD
"No, I told you I don't like that 'second' idea.
O.K.! I got it! 'The Final Rapture Chapter'. It makes it clear that this is the last time and even better it rhymes."
GABRIELE
"It's very catchy but way too first century. I think we've got to be more hip.
How about 'Rap It Up'? It's to the point and pretty slick. Besides, if we advertise it's very little copy. It'll help to keep costs down!"

(God and Gabrielle look at each other with profound satisfaction.)
GABRIELE
"Well now how do we get that message out? We've got to get some good PR out in front of this thing to make it work.
Let's see. Billboards might work.
How about TV talk shows? If we could get on Larry King?
Maybe infomercials? Like the Flowbee, the Chia Pet or the Ginsu."
GOD
"Maybe we need something really dramatic to make our presence known, like a gigantic earthquake, a huge tidal wave, a cataclysmic meteor strike or a baldness cure that really works."
GABRIELE
"I don't like the earthquake and that stuff. It would kill off a good part of the audience. I think we ought to go with some conventional advertising and if that doesn't work then we do the earthquake, tidal wave kind of stuff.
Or maybe you could go down there on a cloud with a thunder and lightning show. The kind of thing you did with Moses that time."
GOD
"The on a cloud stuff again! No way!
If you think I'm going to go through all that, you're crazy! The staging, the special effects, the speech writing - you know how I hate public speaking - I haven't done it in centuries!
(God pauses)

Alright - we'll start small and see how it goes."
GABRIELE
"But, you know, before we do anything else I think we better tell Jesus about this."
GOD
"Where is he anyway? I haven't seen him lately."
GABRIELE
"Don't you remember Sir? You gave him a little vacation time after his last trip"
GOD
"Two thousand years!
A 'little vacation time'?
Go get him and tell him I want to see him."
NARRATOR
Gabriele, as commanded goes to find Jesus. The very first place he looks is Beach Heaven. He's known to hang out there.
The sand is cloud white, the temperature is just perfect and the waves - the waves are a surfer paradise, of course!
GABRIELE
"Have you seen Jesus? His Father wants to see him."
BEACH ANGEL
"Jesus?"
(with a faint giggle)
"He was here just a little while ago. He was some of his surfing tricks. He did a couple of perfect laybacks and a three sixty and .."
(Gabriele interrupts)

GABRIELE
"Sure, I know - I know! But where is he now?"
BEACH ANGEL
"He left about two hours I think he said he was going over to Pebble Paradise Country Club."
NARRATOR
Gabriele flies over the golf course to find Jesus. The course is perfect, of course. He finds Jesus on the eighteenth hole, a par three. Jesus is at the tee ready to tee off as Gabriele walks up.
JESUS
"Why are you sneaking up on me like that on my back swing? Now look what you made me do!"
NARRATOR
The ball flies off towards a nearby pond. Jesus quickly waves His hand and the pond instantly freezes, the ball bounces off the ice onto the green and lands in the hole. Jesus takes out his scorecard and writes down a one.
JESUS
"Let's see. That's a nineteen today."
GABRIELE
"Nineteen? What happened?"
JESUS
"It was Satan again. He always seems to know when to call to ruin my game. He called my cell phone on fourteen just as I hit my shot. I didn't have time to do my hand wave thing and I had to take a two! And the hell of it all he really didn't have anything new to say just the same old stuff. 'Would I meet him in the desert this afternoon? Would I go for a hike with him up to the cliff overlook? Would I throw myself off the cliff and save myself?' What does he think I'm crazy? We already went through that stuff. Remember? Why does he keep calling me?
GABRIELE
"I don't know. Some guys never quit! They just can't take no for an answer. It's a personally flaw! He's just got a personally flaw."
JESUS
"So what do you want? "
GABRIELE
"Your dad wants to see you."
JESUS
"About what?"
(JESUS pauses for a moment and then continues.)

"I hope it's not like the last time He called me. I listened to one of His ideas and if I remember correctly, things didn't work out that good for me. But if He calls I guess I have to go."
(JESUS hands His golf club to MICHEAL His caddy and GABRIELLE and He leave together to see the Father.)
GOD
"My Son! How have you been? Enjoying your vacation I hope."
(As he put arm around JESUS'S shoulder and huge him tightly)
JESUS
"Yes Dad. I've been fine and I've had a great vacation but I have the feeling it's about to end. Am I right?"
GOD
"Now what makes you say that Son?"
JESUS
"Well, for one your halo is not quite as bright as usual as a matter of fact it's pulsating a bit. That generally means you've got something on your mind."
(An angel to God’s left immediately holds up a mirror. GOD looks at his halo in the mirror.)
GOD
"Omniscient as usual Jesus."
(God pauses and then continues)

"Here's the story. Gabrielle has told me that the multitudes on Earth are expecting you to come back, and soon."
(God again pauses and looks straight at Jesus who says nothing)
"We've decided to grant them their wish. We've even come up with an official title for the event -'Rap It Up'.
"Pretty MMCst century? What do you think?"
JESUS
(with a scowl)
"What do I think? Are you kidding? Count me out! And by the way, who's the 'we' decided?"
GOD
"Well, Gabrielle and I."
GABRIELE
(Interjects quickly in a timid voice)
"I chimed in here and there but I'm not real decider. You know that only your Father can be the real decider."
JESUS
"Why would I want to do that again? Do you remember the last time?"
GOD
(smiles as he speaks)
"Because you're The Lamb of God, The Savior of Man, The King of Kings, The - "
JESUS
(Jesus interrupts)
"Oh give it up. You can't sweet-talk me again. I'm not going!
No way!"
GOD
(with a frown and his stern voice)
"Who's the Dad and who's the Son around here.
(he pauses)

Remember that day you spent in Hell after the Resurrection. How would like a couple weeks down there to think this over?"
JESUS
(Now in a meek tone)
"But Dad, you wouldn't do that. Remember you're all loving and stuff."
GOD
"You've heard of tough love my boy? This is it!
Now let's plan this out."
JESUS
"Let's hope it's a better plan than the last time."
GOD
"First, we've got to find another virgin. We can't use Mary again. If we send her down with that costume of hers they