The Wily Tortoise by Imonikhe Ahimie (top 100 novels of all time .txt) 📖

seemed to remember that the Tortoise’s mother had passed on several years previously; more so, his keen sense of smell suggested to him that what was contained in the shroud that the Tortoise was carrying was something quite eatable. Knowing that the Tortoise was the most devious person upon the face of the earth, the Leopard insisted that the shroud be unwound so that he could pay his last respects to the Tortoise’s venerable mother. The Tortoise was aghast; it was a taboo, he declared, to unwind a shroud once it had already been wound around a corpse but nothing that he said moved the Leopard; the Leopard was insistent that the shroud be unwrapped. The Tortoise knew better than to continue arguing and sadly he put down his burden and unwound the shroud.

 

“You inveterate liar” roared the Leopard. “Your mother's corpse, indeed! I have a good mind of putting an end to miserable life right here and now! Well, I may still do just that but, first, you are going to sit down right there and watch me make a meal of all this delicious meat; greedy and selfish so-and-so, you!”

 

Whilst the Leopard was ranting at him, the Tortoise’s agile mind had been working furiously and as soon as the Leopard paused to draw breath, he spoke.

 

“King Leopard, you must forgive your most abject servant” he cried, throwing himself prostrate before the infuriated Leopard. “The thing is, Sire, I was actually bringing all of this meat over to your court. In my determination to make sure that the whole package reached you without mishap, I concocted the story I told to you. Unfortunately, Majesty, I had repeated the tale so many times (so many famine-ravaged folk have I encountered on the road) that I unthinkingly repeated it to you!

 

“Please, forgive me. Of course, I would never be so disrespectful as to deliberately lie to you! The very idea! The meat belongs to you, Sire, and to no one else and, if it is your wish, you can eat all of it right here on the roadside. But, if you’ll forgive me Sire, given the level of hunger in the land, I would humbly suggest that we repack the meat and carry it off to your lair; otherwise, every hungry fellow and his household will be scurrying around disturbing your repast!”

 

Once again, the Tortoise’s sweet tongue was successful; the Leopard’s anger abated as he listened to the Tortoise’s explanation and he agreed that it would be all the better if he took the meal to his own home rather than risk the almost certain invasion of hungry folk if he decided to eat right there by the roadside. So they wrapped up the meat and the Tortoise resumed his role as carrier and the set out for the Leopard’s lair.

HOME FREE

As they made their way down the path, the Tortoise affected to notice the Leopard’s unkempt, shaggy fur and he cried out in pained surprise. How was it, he declared in injured tones, that the Leopard had so let himself go; for the Leopard in past times had been a veritable dandy who prided himself on his meticulous grooming. Sadly, the Leopard admitted that the rigors of the famine had brought him to this low state. So concerned had he become with the necessity of daily survival that he had become unable to care for his appearance in the manner he had been wont to in the past. Well, this was totally unacceptable, declared the Tortoise in aggrieved tones, but all would be made well. Surely the Leopard was aware that he, the Tortoise, was perhaps the most renowned groom in all of creation. So, if the Leopard would deign to sit beneath this tree, yes this very tree, he, the Tortoise, would climb into the tree and get that fur back into its erstwhile pristine condition. The Leopard was extremely touched and grateful for, truth to tell, he had been feeling very ashamed of going about in such a disheveled manner. So they placed a large log right beneath the tree and the Leopard lay down upon the log whilst the Tortoise placed the package right in front of him (“for absolute protection”, the Tortoise declared laughingly), and climbed up into the tree and started to groom the Leopard.

 

Every time that the Tortoise made a small plait, he would show it to the Leopard so that he could admire it; however, when he made a thick plait, he would loop it around a convenient branch and make it fast. It was not very long before the Tortoise had finished his ministrations and, climbing down from the tree, proceeded to kick away the log upon which the Leopard was lying and left the great cat dangling from the branches! With a sneering laugh, the Tortoise picked up his package of meat and left the Leopard pleading to be set free and struggling, with no success, to free himself from the trap the Tortoise had led him into.

 

The Tortoise reached his home without any further incidents. On his arrival, he summoned his wife and instructed her to prepare a meal with some of the meat that he had brought back with him. Mrs. Tortoise was extremely glad that, after the prolonged period of near starvation which had been aggravated by the absence of her husband for several days, at last there would be something worthwhile to eat and she set about carrying out her husband’s instruction with a will. But just as she was about to set about her task, the Tortoise informed Mrs. Tortoise that for the foreseeable future she should avoid using the pathway over which he had just passed. Mrs. Tortoise was somewhat surprised as this pathway was the most convenient one for their residence and it had always been that which the household used; why should she avoid it now, she wanted to know? 

 

Looking somewhat shamefaced, the Tortoise informed her that as he was approaching home, he had developed a sudden and urgent, a very urgent, need to go to the toilet. So urgent was the need that he had not been able to step off the pathway into the bushes to ease himself; he had been obliged to go right there on the pathway! So large was the amount of excreta that he had passed out onto the pathway that the way was completely blocked up, and so foul was the odor that the great mound gave off that he would be ashamed if anyone saw or smelt that foul waste.

 

The story seemed a bit thin to Mrs. Tortoise, but she agreed to abide by her husband’s wishes. She was, after all, much more interested in the prospect of eating the first real meal that had presented itself in more days than she could remember. At all events, one of the effects of the famine had been to drastically reduce the numbers of outings that she made so that the use of a particular pathway rather than another did not perturb her unduly. Shrugging her shoulders, she set about preparing the meal.

 

The meal was ready and the table set but just as the Tortoise and Mrs. Tortoise were about to fall to, the Tortoise glanced at his wife sharply and declared that he perceived that his wife was menstruating! Consequently, they could not eat at the same table for, the Tortoise declared, it was a longstanding, ironclad principle of his never to eat at the same table as a menstruating woman! Mrs. Tortoise stared at her husband in utter amazement for this was the first, after several years of marriage, she was hearing of this longstanding and ironclad principle! At all events, she assured her husband that she was not menstruating so that they could eat together at the same table without any injury to his principle. But her protestations were in vain for the Tortoise declared that his perceptions never failed; Mrs. Tortoise was menstruating and he was not minded to break his sacred principle. So Mrs. Tortoise was obliged to leave the table and sit by and watch her husband make a glutton of himself. When he had finished eating, Mrs. Tortoise was obliged to make do with the leftovers.

 

Shortly after he had finished eating, the Tortoise felt a great need to go to the toilet. However so determined was he that no one else would share in the meat that he had brought home with him that he could not go off into the bushes in order to relieve himself. If once he let the meat out of his sight, he felt, his wife would help herself to some of it. So squatting just beside his wife’s kitchen where he had the meat package firmly in his sights, the Tortoise proceeded to ease himself! Mrs. Tortoise was aghast! Right there beside her kitchen! But her husband was completely unmoved as he went about his business.

 

Things went on like this for three days: the Tortoise would eat all of the best parts of the meat and Mrs. Tortoise would make do with the bony scraps that were left over. On the third day the Tortoise ate the last of the meat and promptly declared in the most magnanimous tones that he now perceived that Mrs. Tortoise’s period of menstruation was over; henceforth, she was once again permitted to join him at meals!

 

As may be imagined, the Tortoise’s behavior over the last several days had hurt Mrs. Tortoise deeply and she was determined in her mind to pay her husband back for his greed and selfishness. So, on the morning of the fourth day, Mrs. Tortoise went out to the mound of excreta that her husband had deposited beside her kitchen, took some of it and cooked it with his food. The Tortoise was, of course, completely in the dark for, as soon as the meat he had brought home was exhausted, he had no further interest in his wife’s kitchen or the goings-on in it. When she served her husband his food, the Tortoise cheerfully invited her to sit down and join him, but Mrs. Tortoise declined politely. Assuming that his wife was still upset about his behavior, the Tortoise ignored her and fell to. Smacking his lips as he consumed the offering set before him, the Tortoise declared that he had never eaten a better tasting meal in his entire life. With a smile of modest thanks, Mrs. Tortoise assured her husband that she did not have any intention of changing this manner of cooking anytime soon. So, the next day and the day after, the Tortoise enjoyed what he declared to be the best food ever made in the history of the world. By the sixth day following the Tortoise’s return the excreta had been exhausted so on the seventh day Mrs. Tortoise made the best meal she could from whatever scraps she found in the famine-ravaged land. When the Tortoise tasted the meal that his wife placed before him, he cried out in anger and flung the plate away from him in disdain. He was not prepared to eat such poorly cooked food, he declared in stentorian tones. He had told his wife that