A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain (sneezy the snowman read aloud .TXT) 📖

“Now, if I hadn’t seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, I wouldn’t believe it.  But I’ve seen it, and I can just see those creatures now, parading before that shield and acting like that. The women here do certainly act like all possessed.  Yes, and I mean your best, too, society’s very choicest brands.  The humblest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire could teach gentleness, patience, modesty, manners, to the highest duchess in Arthur’s land.”

“Hello-girl?”

“Yes, but don’t you ask me to explain; it’s a new kind of a girl; they don’t have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when they are not the least in fault, and he can’t get over feeling sorry for it and ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, it’s such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is, no gentleman ever does it—though I—well, I myself, if I’ve got to confess—”

“Peradventure she—”

“Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I couldn’t ever explain her so you would understand.”

“Even so be it, sith ye are so minded.  Then Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and asked them why they did that despite to the shield.  Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a knight in this country that owneth this white shield, and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he hateth all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this despite to the shield.  I will say you, said Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil a good knight to despise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you he hath some cause, and peradventure he loveth in some other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be loved again, and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of—”

“Man of prowess—yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy. Man of brains—that is a thing they never think of.  Tom Sayers—John Heenan—John L. Sullivan—pity but you could be here.  You would have your legs under the Round Table and a ‘Sir’ in front of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you could bring about a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses of the Court in another twenty-four.  The fact is, it is just a sort of polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn’t a squaw in it who doesn’t stand ready at the dropping of a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string of scalps at his belt.”

“—and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir Gawaine. Now, what is his name?  Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus the king’s son of Ireland.”

“Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn’t mean anything.  And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump this gully....  There, we are all right now.  This horse belongs in the circus; he is born before his time.”

“I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as any is on live.”

“On live.  If you’ve got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that you are a shade too archaic.  But it isn’t any matter.”

“—for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were gathered, and that time there might no man withstand him.  Ah, said Sir Gawaine, damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he that hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, and then may those knights match him on horseback, and that is more your worship than thus; for I will abide no longer to see a knight’s shield dishonored.  And therewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then were they ware where Sir Marhaus came riding on a great horse straight toward them.  And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they fled into the turret as they were wild, so that some of them fell by the way. Then the one of the knights of the tower dressed his shield, and said on high, Sir Marhaus defend thee.  And so they ran together that the knight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote him so hard that he brake his neck and the horse’s back—”

“Well, that is just the trouble about this state of things, it ruins so many horses.”

“That saw the other knight of the turret, and dressed him toward Marhaus, and they went so eagerly together, that the knight of the turret was soon smitten down, horse and man, stark dead—”

“Another horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that ought to be broken up.  I don’t see how people with any feeling can applaud and support it.”

    .   .   .   .

“So these two knights came together with great random—”

I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter, but I didn’t say anything.  I judged that the Irish knight was in trouble with the visitors by this time, and this turned out to be the case.

“—that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his spear brast in pieces on the shield, and Sir Marhaus smote him so sore that horse and man he bare to the earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side—”

“The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little too simple; the