In Me by Tiffany Anyel (novels to improve english .TXT) đ
- Author: Tiffany Anyel
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Last night somethingâŠhappened in me--I have never felt as alive as I did last night. I had let go--finally releasing my old self: The me that hid--scared at everything and everyone.
The me that let others dictate every thought and feeling she ever had about herself--letting them decide what she was capable of--or worth. Yes the old me died last night--and I hadnât looked back. Feeling free for the first time--ever.
I had no idea who this new me was--and more importantly what she was capable of but I was more than ready. It was time to feel differently--see things differently. It was time to shine.
Kicking the covers off I get up walking to the bathroom.After I clean my face--getting ready, I skip down to the kitchen.
I see Paul, Sam, John and the guys I had seen last night at the grillâeating what looked like a buffet of food. âHey everyone,â I finally said gleaming as I came in opening the fridge.
Taken aback they all turned to look at me. Realizing how quiet the room had gotten--and pretending I had no idea why I grab some orange juice popping a strawberry in my mouth closing the fridge.
I go to the table looking at the food, âWow--yum there are so many choices. Letâs see what do I want?â Licking the juice from the strawberry off my lipsâI grab a croissant tearing off a piece.
âSoâŠumm how did you sleep?â Paul finally said as I gulped down the orange juice. Looking at him I smile, âLovelyâand you?â
âNot badâI was looking for you last night, where did you go?â Instead of answering I walk up to him bending down kissing his cheek, âI bet you were.â
Hearing chuckles across the room I turn and see John stifling a laugh. âWhatâs so funny John?â Finally catching his breath he replied, âPaul--you put it on him last night. I donât think I have ever seen him so shocked--and I should know.â
âIs that so?â I say taking another bite of my croissant. Hearing a door shut everyone instinctively turn their heads--hearing footsteps on the steps. Jenn and Lee came walking into the kitchen.
Seeing me in the room they both pause for a moment--and pretending I didnât see I smile at them, âHey guys.â Jenn ignores me sitting at the table beside Sam. âUmm Hey,â Lee finally said sitting next to her--looking away.
âHow did you sleep?â Jenn looks at me--with pure hate in her eyes. Looking at everyone else she responds pretending to laugh, âWe hardly sleptâif you get my drift. Lee was on me all night.â Lee looks at her and hearing chuckles around the table--she finally looks at me smiling.
I turn and looking at Leeâs blanked expression as he glanced at me--and not looking away I smile at him saying, âHmm I wonder whyâŠâ Knowing what I meant Lee clears his throat--grabbing his glass taking a drink.
Jenn looks at me, âWhat is that supposed to mean?â Not knowing I hadnât meant it for her--I turn to her saying, âOh, nothing. Itâs was an inside joke--you wouldnât understand.â âWhatever,â Jenn finally said rolling her eyes at me.
And after the room had gotten quiet Jenn finally spoke, âSomeone was showing it âallâ last night.â Hearing plates clank as everyone froze for a split second--as they tried to hide their expressionsâI look at Jenn. She pretends to eat--without a care in the world.
Normally this would have been around the time I would have crawled up with shame--crying my eyes out minutes later. But that me was gone--burned. She was no more.
Seeing everyone stares--as they looked at me. I realize I had started to laugh. Still laughing I look at her, âJealous Jenn?â Shocked she looks at me, âWhat?â And looking her dead in the eyes I respond, âJealous?â
âNo!â âNo? Stop lying--Jenn. Because I think you are.â
And looking around the table as everyone looked at her--waiting for her to speak Jenn finally spat at me, âYouâre the one whoâs jealous Kate--of me. You canât stand that Lee is with meâbecause you want him for yourself! I see the way you look at him--you secretly wish he was with you!â âJenn--stop.â Lee says looking at her.
âNo Lee itâs okayâ I say looking at him, âI started this--so let me finish.â âNo! You both need to just stop!â âFine!â Jenn says getting up from the table storming out of the room.
I take the last bite of my croissant turning to Paul, âCome to me later?â âAh yes yes of course.â He finally said a little startled. I bend down slowly kissing him on the mouth.
I pull away licking my lips, âHmmâŠthey do taste as good as they look.â Smiling at him I turn around--winking at Lee as I leave the room.
The Lover in me
At the beach--I finally step into the water. Feeling tingles as my body adjusted to its coolness--I begin to swim farther out. Neck up in water I finally lay back floating with each small current--letting it take me with it as I released my footing.
Completely at ease watching the sky--I see birds flying over and beautiful plump clouds steadily moving with the wind. I let out a breath closing my eyes.
I couldnât help but think about this morning--fighting with Jenn. I had never done anything like that--I would have never called her out or anyone else for that matter--before. I would have sucked it up--keeping it all inside. Telling myself it made me the âbigger personâ.
But this morning in my room--after the whole âJenn fiascoââI had felt soâŠempowered. Feeling strong, feeling more beautiful--than I ever thought I could.
Realizing I was in control of my own happiness--and feeling worth every bit of it. I realized being the âbigger personâ was a cop-out--a way for me to not deal with anything.
Pushing myself even further down into numbness and self-pity--until eventually giving up or convincing myself--it didnât matter. But it did--it always did.
Underneath the lie--was the truth. What I feltâhow I felt--did matter. It always mattered. And pretending nothing bothered me--that I was above it all--was a lie. I felt, I hurt, I cried, I laughed--I was alive just like everyone else.
Ignoring my feelings--ignoring myself wouldnât change thatâeven if I thought it did. Even if eventually I had let the lie--become my âtruthâ. It was still there buried underneath all my effort to keep it hidden.
âKate.â Hearing my name--faintly muffled as my ears were submerged under waterâI lift my head.
I see Sam waving as she swam up to me standing up out of the water. A little surprised that it was her--I finally sit upâgaining my footing, âHey.â She smiles at me saying, âI saw you floating out here--I got a little worried.â
Laughing I respond, âOh. Iâm okay--just enjoying the water. I forgot how much I loved it.â Laughing with me she replied, âOh I know--every chance I get I come out here. But I thought you had never been to the beach?â
âI havenât--but I have been in pools before.â She lets out a laugh pretending to hit her head, âWell duhâI donât know why I didnât think of that. SoâŠumm are you okay?â
Realizing what she was referring to I smile at her, âYea I am--better than okay actually, thanks. How is Jenn--is she still upset?â
Looking away she finally lets out a chuckle, âSheâll be fineâthis isnât the first time she has gotten worked up over something--and it wonât be last Iâm sure. Sheâs a hot-headed girl anyway.â
Surprised at Samâs words--but more than that Sam herself that she was actually here--talking to meâI feel myself smile. I had thought after this morning--I would have been on her shit list for sureâI look at her, âSo are you and Jenn close?â
âNot really--I mean I have known her for a while. But I met her through Paul--who I have known all my life. We grew up togetherâso if you need any dirt--Iâm your girl,â she says letting out a laugh.
Stifling a laugh of my own I respond saying, âWell thanksâthatâs good to know.â Realizing it had gotten a little awkward at the mention of Paulâs name I look at her, âSo you and Paul are pretty close then?â
âUmmâŠyea I guess you can say that. I mean I have
seen him running around--in his tighty-whities before.â Laughing with her I respond, âYea I guess so then.â
âSo what about you and Lee? You guys are best friends right?â âYea--well we were butâŠI dunno. Things have been a little weird between us lately.â
âYea I can tell--well I mean judging from this morning anyway. Paul told me you guys were like this
,â she brings her hand up and gestures with her fingers--wrapping one finger around the other.
âYea we areâI mean we were.â And letting out a sigh I continue, âI just hope we can be that way again--I miss him ya know?â Feeling my silent frustration she responds, âI wouldnât worry about itâI think you guys will work it out.â âYea I hope so.â
âSoâŠa couple of us are getting ready to play some beach volleyball--would you like to join?â âYea okay, that could be fun. Yay! Volleyball--another thing I forgot that I loved.â
Smiling at me she gestures with her hands, âCome on then--letâs go wipe the floor with these guys.â And getting up laughing with her--we swam back to shore.
****
âThere you are.â I turn and see Paul walking toward me--joining me on the steps. âSo I heard about you and Samâs ass kicking on the beach today.â
Smiling at him I respond, âYea--well Samâs ass kicking. I was a little rusty.â He stifles a laugh, âWell I heard differently. Sam has officially declared you as her new team-mate. She likes the way you âspike the ballââI think those were her exact words.â Paul finally said smiling at me.
I glance at him smiling. âAre you okay?â I look at him, âYeaâwhy?â
âI donât know--you seemâŠâfar-awayâ I guess.â âOh Iâm okay--just thinking.â I finally said putting on what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
The truth was I had so much swimming around in my head--thinking was the last thing I wanted to do. After me and Sam's 'ass kicking'--as Paul put it earlier today. I had wanted sometime to myself--to be alone. Hoping that would...I dunno 'clear' my head.
I had walked on the peer and sat on a bench looking out at the water for I don't how long--admiring the
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