The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton (best reads txt) 📖

The Piety,

Learning,  Unaffected Simplicity,  And Kind Disposition Of

My Excellent Friend,  Mr. Hopewell,  Were Well Known And

Fully Appreciated By The People Of New York,  Who Were

Anxious To Testify Their Respect For His Virtues,  And

Their Sympathy For His Unmerited Persecution,  By A Personal

Escort And A Cordial Farewell.

 

"Are All Those People Going With Us,  Sam?" Said He; "How

Pleasant It Will Be To Have So Many Old Friends On Board,

Won't It?"

 

"No,  Sir," Said The Attache,  "They Are Only A Goin' To

See You On Board--It Is A Mark Of Respect To You. They

Will Go Down To The "Tyler," To Take Their Last Farewell

Of You."

 

"Well,  That's Kind Now,  Ain't It?" He Replied. "I Suppose

They Thought I Would Feel Kinder Dull And Melancholy

Like,  On Leaving My Native Land This Way; And I Must Say

I Don't Feel Jist Altogether Right Neither. Ever So Many

Things Rise Right Up In My Mind,  Not One Arter Another,

But All Together Like,  So That I Can't Take 'Em One By

One And Reason 'Em Down,  But They Jist Overpower Me By

Numbers. You Understand Me,  Sam,  Don't You?"

 

"Poor Old Critter!" Said Mr. Slick To Me In An Under-Tone,

"It's No Wonder He Is Sad,  Is It? I Must Try To Cheer

Him Up,  If I Can. Understand You,  Minister!" Said He,

"To Be Sure I Do. I Have Been That Way Often And Often.

That Was The Case When I Was To Lowel Factories,  With

The Galls A Taking Of Them Off In The Paintin' Line. The

Dear Little Critters Kept Up Such An Everlastin' Almighty

Clatter,  Clatter,  Clatter; Jabber,  Jabber,  Jabber,  All

Talkin' And Chatterin' At Once,  You Couldn't Hear No

Blessed One Of Them; And They Jist Fairly Stunned A

Feller. For Nothin' In Natur',  Unless It Be Perpetual

Motion,  Can Equal A Woman's Tongue. It's Most A Pity We

Hadn't Some Of The Angeliferous Little Dears With Us Too,

For They Do Make The Time Pass Quick,  That's A Fact. I

Want Some On 'Em To Tie A Night-Cap For Me To-Night; I

Don't Commonly Wear One,  But I Somehow Kinder Guess,  I

Intend To Have One This Time,  And No Mistake."

 

"A Night-Cap,  Sam!" Said He; "Why What On Airth Do You

Mean?"

 

"Why,  I'll Tell You,  Minister," Said He,  "You Recollect

Sister Sall,  Don't You."

 

"Indeed,  I Do," Said He,  "And An Excellent Girl She Is,

A Dutiful Daughter,  And A Kind And Affectionate Sister.

Yes,  She Is A Good Girl Is Sally,  A Very Good Girl Indeed;

But What Of Her?"

 

"Well,  She Was A Most A Beautiful Critter,  To Brew A

Glass Of Whiskey Toddy,  As I Ever See'd In All My Travels

Was Sister Sall,  And I Used To Call That Tipple,  When I

Took It Late,  A Night-Cap; Apple Jack And White Nose

Ain't The Smallest Part Of A Circumstance To It. On Such

An Occasion As This,  Minister,  When A Body Is Leavin'

The Greatest Nation Atween The Poles,  To Go Among Benighted,

Ignorant,  Insolent Foreigners,  You Wouldn't Object To A

Night-Cap,  Now Would You?"

 

"Well,  I Don't Know As I Would,  Sam," Said He; "Parting

From Friends Whether Temporally Or For Ever,  Is A Sad

Thing,  And The Former Is Typical Of The Latter. No,  I Do

Not Know As I Would. We May Use These Things,  But Not

Abuse Them. Be Temperate,  Be Moderate,  But It Is A Sorry

Heart That Knows No Pleasure. Take Your Night-Cap,  Sam,

And Then Commend Yourself To His Safe Keeping,  Who Rules

The Wind And The Waves To Him Who--"

 

"Well Then,  Minister,  What A Dreadful Awful Looking Thing

A Night-Cap Is Without A Tassel,  Ain't It? Oh! You Must

Put A Tassel On It,  And That Is Another Glass. Well

Then,  What Is The Use Of A Night-Cap,  If It Has A Tassel

Volume 1 Chapter 3 (Tying A Night-Cap) Pg 21

On It,  But Has No String,  It Will Slip Off Your Head The

Very First Turn You Take; And That Is Another Glass You

Know. But One String Won't Tie A Cap; One Hand Can't

Shake Hands Along With Itself: You Must Have Two Strings

To It,  And That Brings One Glass More. Well Then,  What

Is The Use Of Two Strings If They Ain't Fastened? If You

Want To Keep The Cap On,  It Must Be Tied,  That's Sartain,

And That Is Another Go; And Then,  Minister,  What An

Everlastin' Miserable Stingy,  Ongenteel Critter A Feller

Must Be,  That Won't Drink To The Health Of The Female

Brewer. Well,  That's Another Glass To Sweethearts And

Wives,  And Then Turn In For Sleep,  And That's What I

Intend To Do To-Night. I Guess I'll Tie The Night-Cap

This Hitch,  If I Never Do Agin,  And That's A Fact."

 

"Oh Sam,  Sam," Said Mr. Hopewell,  "For A Man That Is Wide

Awake And Duly Sober,  I Never Saw One Yet That Talked

Such Nonsense As You Do. You Said,  You Understood Me,

But You Don't,  One Mite Or Morsel; But Men Are Made

Differently,  Some People's Narves Operate On The Brain

Sens_Itively_ And Give Them Exquisite Pain Or Excessive

Pleasure; Other Folks Seem As If They Had No Narves At

All. You Understand My Words,  But You Don't Enter Into

My Feelings. Distressing Images Rise Up In My Mind In

Such Rapid Succession,  I Can't Master Them,  But They

Master Me. They Come Slower To You,  And The Moment You

See Their Shadows Before You,  You Turn Round To The Light,

And Throw These Dark Figures Behind You. I Can't Do That;

I Could When I Was Younger,  But I Can't Now. Reason Is

Comparing Two Ideas,  And Drawing An Inference. Insanity

Is,  When You Have Such A Rapid Succession Of Ideas,  That

You Can't Compare Them. How Great Then Must Be The Pain

When You Are Almost Pressed Into Insanity And Yet Retain

Your Reason? What Is A Broken Heart? Is It Death? I Think

It Must Be Very Like It,  If It Is Not A Figure Of Speech,

For I Feel That My Heart Is Broken,  And Yet I Am As

Sensitive To Pain As Ever. Nature Cannot Stand This

Suffering Long. You Say These Good People Have Come To

Take Their Last Farewell Of Me; Most Likely,  Sam,  It _Is_

A Last Farewell. I Am An Old Man Now,  I Am Well Stricken

In Years; Shall I Ever Live To See My Native Land Again?

I Know Not,  The Lord's Will Be Done! If I Had A Wish,  I

Should Desire To Return To Be Laid With My Kindred,  To

Repose In Death With Those That Were The Companions Of

My Earthly Pilgrimage; But If It Be Ordered Otherwise.

I Am Ready To Say With Truth And Meekness,  'Lord,  Now

Lettest Thou Thy Servant Depart In Peace.'"

 

When This Excellent Old Man Said That,  Mr. Slick Did Not

Enter Into His Feelings--He Did Not Do Him Justice. His

Attachment To And Veneration For His Aged Pastor And

Friend Were Quite Filial,  And Such As To Do Honour To

His Head And Heart. Those Persons Who Have Made Character

A Study,  Will All Agree,  That The Cold Exterior Of The

Volume 1 Chapter 3 (Tying A Night-Cap) Pg 22

New England Man Arises From Other Causes Than A Coldness

Of Feeling; Much Of The Rhodomontade Of The Attache,

Addressed To Mr. Hopewell,  Was Uttered For The Kind

Purpose Of Withdrawing His Attention From Those Griefs

Which Preyed So Heavily Upon His Spirits.

 

"Minister," Said Mr. Slick,  "Come,  Cheer Up,  It Makes Me

Kinder Dismal To Hear You Talk So. When Captain Mckenzie

Hanged Up Them Three Free And Enlightened Citizens Of

Ours On Board Of The--Somers--He Gave 'Em Three Cheers.

We Are Worth Half A Dozen Dead Men Yet,  So Cheer Up. Talk

To These Friends Of Ourn,  They Might Think You Considerable

Starch If You Don't Talk,  And Talk Is Cheap,  It Don't

Cost Nothin' But Breath,  A Scrape Of Your Hind Leg,  And

A Jupe Of The Head,  That's A Fact."

 

Having Thus Engaged Him In Conversation With His Friends,

We Proceeded On Board The Steamer,  Which,  In A Short

Time,  Was Alongside Of The Great "Liner." The Day Was

Now Spent,  And Mr. Hopewell Having Taken Leave Of His

Escort,  Retired To His Cabin,  Very Much Overpowered By

His Feelings.

 

Mr. Slick Insisted On His Companions Taking A Parting

Glass With Him,  And I Was Much Amused With The Advice

Given Him By Some Of His Young Friends And Admirers. He

Was Cautioned To Sustain The High Character Of The Nation

Abroad; To Take Care That He Returned As He Went--A True

American; To Insist Upon The Possession Of The Oregon

Territory; To Demand And Enforce His Right Position In

Society; To Negotiate The National Loan; And Above All

Never To Accede To The Right Of Search Of Slave-Vessels;

All Which Having Been Duly Promised,  They Took An

Affectionate Leave Of Each Other,  And We Remained On

Board,  Intending To Depart In The Course Of The Following

Morning.

 

As Soon As They Had Gone,  Mr. Slick Ordered Materials

For Brewing,  Namely: Whisky,  Hot Water,  Sugar And Lemon;

And Having Duly Prepared In Regular Succession The Cap,

The Tassel,  And The Two Strings,  Filled His Tumbler Again,

And Said,

 

"Come Now,  Squire,  Before We Turn In,  Let Us _Tie The

Night-Cap_."

 

Volume 1 Chapter 4 (Home And The Sea) Pg 23

At Eleven O'clock The Next Day The Tyler Having Shaken

Out Her Pinions,  And Spread Them To The Breeze,  Commenced

At A Rapid Rate Her Long And Solitary Voyage Across The

Atlantic. Object After Object Rose In Rapid Succession

Into Distinct View,  Was Approached And Passed,  Until

Leaving The Calm And Sheltered Waters Of The Bay,  We

Emerged Into The Ocean,  And Involuntarily Turned To Look

Back Upon The Land We Had Left. Long After The Lesser

Hills And Low Country Had Disappeared,  A Few Ambitious

Peaks Of The Highlands Still Met The Eye,  Appearing As

If They Had Advanced To The Very Edge Of The Water,  To

Prolong The View Of Us Till The Last Moment.

 

This Coast Is A Portion Of My Native Continent,  For Though

Not A Subject Of The Republic,  I Am Still An American In

Its Larger Sense,  Having Been Born In A British Province

In This Hemisphere. I Therefore Sympathised With The

Feelings Of My Two Companions,  Whose Straining Eyes Were

Still Fixed On Those Dim And Distant Specks In The Horizon.

 

"There," Said Mr. Slick,  Rising From His Seat,  "I Believe

We Have Seen The Last Of Home Till Next Time; And This

I Will Say,  It Is The Most Glorious Country Onder The

Sun; Travel Where You Will,  You Won't Ditto It No Where.

It Is The Toploftiest Place In