The Wit and Humor of America, Volume X (of X) by Marshall P. Wilder (sites to read books for free .txt) 📖

PAGE Araminta and the Automobile Charles Battell Loomis 1825 At Aunty's House James Whitcomb Riley 2007 Backsliding Brother, The Frank L. Stanton 1972 Biggs' Bar Howard D. Sutherland 1967 Bookworm's Plaint, A Clinton Scollard 1878 Breitmann in Politics Charles Godfrey Leland 1943 Concord Love Song, A James Jeffrey Roche 1913 Contentment Oliver Wendell Holmes 1952 Demon of the Study, The John Greenleaf Whittier 1869 Der Oak Und Der Vine Charles Follen Adams 1823 Double-Dyed Deceiver, A O. Henry 1927 Dum Vivimus Vigilamus John Paul 2005 Evidence in the Case of     Smith vs. Jones, The Samuel L. Clemens 1918 Fall Styles in Faces Wallace Irwin 1992 "Festina Lente" Robert J. Burdette 2016 Genial Idiot Discusses     Leap Year, The John Kendrick Bangs 2018 Great Prize Fight, The Samuel L. Clemens 1903 Had a Set of Double Teeth Holman F. Day 1994 Height of the Ridiculous, The Oliver Wendell Holmes 1832 Her Brother: Enfant Terrible Edmund L. Sabin 2001 Hezekiah Bedott's Opinion Frances M. Whicher 1893 His Grandmother's Way Frank L. Stanton 1901 Invisible Prince, The Henry Harland 1836 Jackpot, The Ironquill 2003 Jacob Phœbe Cary 1898 Johnny's Pa Wilbur D. Nesbit 1802 Lay of Ancient Rome, A Thomas Ybarra 2013 Little Bopeep and Little Boy Blue Samuel Minturn Peck 2015 Love Song Charles Godfrey Leland 1950 Maxims Benjamin Franklin 1804 Meeting, The S. E. Riser 1915 Mister Rabbit's Love Affair Frank L. Stanton 1887 Mother of Four, A Juliet Wilbor Tompkins 1976 Mothers' Meeting, A Madeline Bridges 1886 Nevada Sketches Samuel L. Clemens 1805 New Year Idyl, A Eugene Field 2011 Old-Time Singer, An Frank L. Stanton 1941 Oncl' Antoine on 'Change Wallace Bruce Amsbary 1891 Our Hired Girl James Whitcomb Riley 1888 Plain Language from Truthful James Bret Harte 1997 Poe-'em of Passion, A Charles F. Lummis 1879 Possession William J. Lampton 2000 Real Diary of a Real Boy, The Henry A. Shute 1881 Reason, The Ironquill 1890 Rubaiyat of Mathieu Lattellier Wallace Bruce Amsbary 1965 Settin' by the Fire Frank L. Stanton 1821 Shining Mark, A Ironquill 1877 "There's a Bower of Bean-Vines" Phœbe Cary 1916 To Bary Jade Charles Follen Adams 1899 Tom's Money Harriett Prescott Spofford 1955 Trial that Job Missed, The Kennett Harris 1917 Trouble-Proof Edwin L. Sabin 1801 Uncle Bentley and the Roosters Hayden Carruth 1873 Unsatisfied Yearning R. K. Munkittrick 1835 What Lack We Yet Robert J. Burdette 1897 When Lovely Woman Phœbe Cary 1834 Whisperer, The Ironquill 1822 Why Wait for Death and Time? Bert Leston Taylor 1866 Willy and the Lady Gelett Burgess 2009 Winter Dusk R. K. Munkittrick 1975 Winter Joys Eugene Field 1868 Ye Legende of Sir Yroncladde Wilbur D. Nesbitt 1973 COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.

[Pg 1801]

TROUBLE-PROOF[1] BY EDWIN L. SABIN

Never rains where Jim is—
People kickin', whinin';
He goes round insistin',—
"Sun is almost shinin'!"

Never's hot where Jim is—
When the town is sweatin';
He jes' sets and answers,—
"Well, I ain't a-frettin'!"

Never's cold where Jim is—
None of us misdoubt it,
Seein' we're nigh frozen!
He "ain't thought about it"!

Things that rile up others
Never seem to strike him!
"Trouble-proof," I call it,—
Wisht that I was like him!
[Pg 1802]

JOHNNY'S PA BY WILBUR D. NESBIT

My pa—he always went to school,
He says, an' studied hard.
W'y, when he's just as big as me
He knew things by the yard!
Arithmetic? He knew it all
From dividend to sum;
But when he tells me how it was,
My grandma, she says "Hum!"

My pa—he always got the prize
For never bein' late;
An' when they studied joggerfy
He knew 'bout every state.
He says he knew the rivers, an'
Knew all their outs an' ins;
But when he tells me all o' that,
My grandma, she just grins.

My pa, he never missed a day
A-goin' to the school,
An' never played no hookey, nor
Forgot the teacher's rule;
An' every class he's ever in,
The rest he always led.
My grandma, when pa talks that way,
[Pg 1803]Just laughs an' shakes her head.
My grandma says 'at boys is boys,
The same as pas is pas,
An' when I ast her what she means
She says it is "because."
She says 'at little boys is best
When they grows up to men,
Because they know how good they was,
An' tell their children, then!
[Pg 1804]

MAXIMS BY BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

Never spare the parson's wine, nor the baker's pudding.

A house without woman or firelight is like a body without soul or spirit.

Kings and bears often worry their keepers.

Light purse, heavy heart.

He's a fool that makes his doctor his heir.

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.

To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.

He that drinks fast pays slow.

He is ill-clothed who is bare of virtue.

Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd.

The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.

He that is rich need not live sparingly, and he that can live sparingly need not be rich.

He that waits upon fortune is never sure of a dinner.[Pg 1805]

NEVADA SKETCHES BY SAMUEL L. CLEMENS In Carson City

I feel very much as if I had just awakened out of a long sleep. I attribute it to the fact that I have slept the greater part of the time for the last two days and nights. On Wednesday, I sat up all night, in Virginia, in order to be up early enough to take the five o'clock stage on Thursday morning. I was on time. It was a great success. I had a cheerful trip down to Carson, in company with that incessant talker, Joseph T. Goodman. I never saw him flooded with such a flow of spirits before. He restrained his conversation, though, until we had traveled three or four miles, and were just crossing the divide between Silver City and Spring Valley, when he thrust his head out of the dark stage, and allowed a pallid light from the coach lamps to illuminate his features for a moment, after which he returned to darkness again, and sighed and said, "Damn it!" with some asperity. I asked him who he meant it for, and he said, "The weather out there." As we approached Carson, at about half past seven o'clock, he thrust his head out again, and gazed earnestly in the direction of that city—after which he took it in again, with his nose very much frosted. He propped the end of that organ upon the end of his finger, and looked pensively upon it—which had the effect of[Pg 1806] making him cross-eyed—and remarked, "O, damn it!" with great bitterness. I asked him what was up this time, and he said, "The cold, damp fog—it is worse than the weather." This was his last. He never spoke again in my hearing. He went on over the mountains with a lady fellow passenger from here. That will stop his chatter, you know, for he seldom speaks in the presence of ladies.

In the evening I felt a mighty inclination to go to a party somewhere. There was to be one at Governor J. Neely Johnson's, and I went there and asked permission to stand around a while. This was granted in the most hospitable manner, and the vision of plain quadrilles soothed my weary soul. I felt particularly comfortable, for if there is one thing more grateful to my feelings than another, it is a new house—a large house, with its ceilings embellished with snowy mouldings; its floors glowing with warm-tinted carpets, with cushioned chairs and sofas to sit on, and a piano to listen to; with fires so arranged you can see them, and know there is no humbug about it; with walls garnished with pictures, and above all mirrors, wherein you may gaze and always find something to admire, you know. I have a great regard for a good house, and a girlish passion for mirrors. Horace Smith, Esq., is also very fond of mirrors. He came and looked in the glass for an hour with me. Finally it cracked—the night was pretty cold—and Horace Smith's reflection was split right down the centre. But where his face had been the damage was greatest—a hundred cracks converged to his reflected nose, like spokes from the hub of a wagon wheel. It was the strangest freak the weather has done this winter. And yet the parlor seemed warm and comfortable, too.

About nine o'clock the Unreliable came and asked Gov. Johnson to let him stand on the porch. The crea[Pg 1807]ture has got more impudence than any person I ever saw in my life. Well, he stood and flattened his nose against the parlor window, and looked hungry and vicious—he always looks that way—until Colonel Musser arrived with some ladies, when he actually fell in their wake and came swaggering in looking as if he thought he had been anxiously expected. He had on my fine kid boots, my plug hat, my white kid gloves (with slices of his prodigious hands grinning through the bursted seams), and my heavy gold repeater, which I had been offered thousands and thousands of dollars for many and many a time. He took those articles out of my trunk, at Washoe City, about a month ago, when we went there to report the proceedings of the convention. The Unreliable intruded himself upon me in his cordial way, and said, "How are you, Mark, old boy? When d'you come down? It's brilliant, ain't it? Appear to enjoy themselves, don't they? Lend a fellow two bits, can't you?" He always winds up his remarks that way. He appears to have an insatiable craving for two bits.

The music struck up just then and saved me. The next moment I was far, far at sea in the