Mr. Punch's Book of Sport<br />The Humour of Cricket, Football, Tennis, Polo, Croquet, Hockey, Racin by J. A. Hammerton and Linley Sambourne (ready to read books .TXT) 📖
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TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.
Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.
[Pg 1]
MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTSPUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. Hammerton
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
[Pg 2]
Boy (reassuringly). "It's all right, miss, I'm only looking for our cricket-ball!"
[Pg 3]
MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS
THE HUMOURS OF CRICKET, FOOTBALL,
TENNIS, POLO, CROQUET, HOCKEY,
RACING, &c.
AS PICTURED BY
LINLEY SAMBOURNE, PHIL MAY,
L. RAVEN-HILL, F. H. TOWNSEND,
E. T. REED, GEORGE DU MAURIER,
CHARLES KEENE, FRANK REYNOLDS,
LEWIS BAUMER, GUNNING KING,
G. D. ARMOUR, ARTHUR HOPKINS,
EVERARD HOPKINS, J. A. SHEPHERD,
AND OTHERS.
WITH 225 ILLUSTRATIONS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
[Pg 4]
The Punch Library of Humour
Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN
[Pg 5]
Mr. Punch is nothing if not typical of his fellow countrymen in his interest in sport. If there be any truth in the assertion that Englishmen are neglecting the more serious affairs of life in their devotion to all forms of athletic sports, Mr. Punch would seem to be determined that there shall be no lack of humour in the process; for an immense proportion of his merry pages have been occupied with the humour of sport.
Indeed, there is no kind of open-air pastime which has escaped the kindly attention of our national humorist, and the fact that he never tires of poking good-natured fun at these hobbies of his countrymen, making merry over their misadventures, indicates in some degree that, whatever our social critics may think of the national taste for outdoor games, these must have a humanising influence and make for manliness, when their devotees can thus with good grace look upon themselves in Mr. Punch's mirror, and join in the laughter at their own expense.
But it must not be assumed that Mr. Punch's attitude is one of satirical criticism; on the contrary, his sympathies are with[Pg 6] every form of sportsmanship, and it is chiefly because his jovial knights of the pencil delight to illustrate the mishaps incidental to all games that we are entitled to look upon him as a great patron of our sports. And is not he always ready to pillory the cad and the incompetent as further proof of the soundness of his heart?
Certain volumes of this library are devoted entirely to one or other of our popular pastimes, determined mainly on their varying richness in humour, but in this "Book of Sports" we have brought together a carefully chosen selection of Mr. Punch's wittiest sayings on a variety of games and pastimes. Cricket might of itself have furnished forth a volume, Football, and Racing also; but we have sought after variety rather than repletion, and to this end even the passing craze for Ping-pong has not been ignored, as it is not the least of the merits of the Punch Library of Humour that within these volumes is enshrined a comic chronicle of the passing time.
[Pg 7]
MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF SPORTS
"The British "Sphere of Influence."—The cricket ball.
Cricketers who ought to be Good Hands at Playing a Tie.—"The Eleven of Notts."
Nomenclature.—The professional cricketer who makes a "duck's egg" ought surely to be dubbed a "quack."
A Model Cricket Match.—One that begins with a "draw," but does not end with one.
Epitaph on a Cricketer.—"Over!"
A Cricketing Paradox.—Any eleven can make a score.
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LORD'S!
There's a glorious sanctum of cricket,
Away in the Wood of St. John;
No spot in creation can lick it
For the game at which Grace is the "don."
Though Melbourne may claim a "Medina,"
The "Mecca" of cricket must be
In the beautiful classic arena,
The home of the "old" M. C. C.
Home, sweet home of the M. C. C.,
Ever my fancy is turning to thee!
Up with King Willow and down with the dumps
Hark to the rattle of leather and stumps.
Oh, what a rapturous thrill it affords!
Give yourself up to the magic of "Lord's."
Scoring for Dr. Grace.—"A running commentary."
All Work and no Play.—The umpire's part.
The Irrepressible Joker Again (on bail.)—
Q. Where ought ducks' eggs to be most readily found? A. At the Oval.
[Bail estreated.
[Pg 9]
Hairdresser (about to part customer's hair). "Centre, sir?"
Flannelled fool (rather an absent-minded beggar). "Oh—er—middle an' 'eg!"
[Pg 10]
ALL THE YEAR ROUND;Or, Keeping Up the Ball.
A straight tip and a new sensation.
When September soaks the fields,
And the leaves begin to fall,
Cricket unto football yields,—
That is all!
Yes—in hot or humid weather,
At all seasons of the year,
Life is little without leather
In a sphere.
In the scrimmage, at the stumps,
'Neath the goal, behind the sticks,
Life's a ball, which Summer thumps,
Winter kicks.
Our "terrestrial ball" is round,
(Is it an idea chimerical?)
Man, by hidden instincts bound,
Loves the spherical.
In rotund, elastic bounders,
Plainly the great joy of men is,
Witness cricket, billiards, rounders,
And lawn-tennis.
Classic Title for Dr. Grace.—"The Centurion."
[Pg 11]
He. "You're fond of cricket, then?"
She. "Oh, I'm passionately devoted to it!"
He. "What part of a match do you enjoy the most?"
She. "Oh, this part—the promenade!"
[Pg 12]
MR. PUNCH KEEPS HIS EYE ON CRICKET
Then (1841)
And Now (1891).
Toast for Tavern Landlords.—The Cricketer, who always runs up a score by his innings.
Appropriate Cricket Ground.—Battersy-Park.
[Pg 13]
Things to which Cricketing Members of the Anti-Gambling League are Addicted.—"Pitch" and "Toss."
Dr. W. G. Grace's Favourite Dish.—"Batter pudding."
[Pg 14]
At the Eton and Harrow Match.—Simperton. What, you in light blue, Miss Gloriosa! I thought you were Harrovian to the core!
Miss Gloriosa. So I am, but I'm also Cambridge, and as I can't possibly afford two new dresses in one week, I decided to choose the most becoming colour!
[And Simperton of the dark blue was quite satisfied with the explanation.
"FOLLOW ON!"(A Cricketer's "Catch" Air—"Come Follow!")
First Voice. Come follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow on!
Second Voice. Why then should I follow, follow, follow, why then must I follow, follow on?
Third Voice. When you're eighty runs or more behind our score you follow on!
[Pg 15]
"Train up your Parents the Way they Should Go."
—"You know papa has been asked to play in the 'Fathers against the Boys' match?" "Yes, mother. But I hope the boys will win this year. If the fathers win again they'll be so beastly cocky!"
[Pg 16]
"'Collapse of Essex.' Dear, dear! I wonder if my property at Ilford is safe?"
[Buys paper to see.
Cricketer's Favourite Fish.—Slips.
The Coup de Grace.—Leg hit for six.
Riddle made "On the Ground."—Why are cricket matches like the backs of cheap chairs? Because they're "fixed to come off".
Seasonable Field Sport.—Leather-hunting.
[Pg 17]
Prehistoric Peeps. (A cricket match.) "How's that, umpire?"
[Pg 18]
WET-WILLOWA Song of a Sloppy Season.
(By a Washed-out Willow-Wielder.)
Air—"Titwillow."
In the dull, damp pavilion a popular "Bat"
Sang "Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!"
And I said "Oh! great slogger, pray what are you at,
Singing 'Willow, wet-willow, wet-willow'?
Is it lowness of average, batsman," I cried;
"Or a bad 'brace of ducks' that has lowered your pride?"
With a low-muttered swear-word or two he replied,
"Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!"
He said "In the mud one can't score, anyhow,
Singing willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!
The people are raising a deuce of a row,
Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!
I've been waiting all day in these flannels—they're damp!—
The spectators impatiently shout, shriek, and stamp,
But a batsman, you see, cannot play with a Gamp,
Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!
"Now I feel just as sure as I am that my name
Isn't willow, wet-willow, wet-willow,
The people will swear that I don't play the game,
Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!
My spirits are low and my scores are not high,
But day after day, we've soaked turf and grey sky,
And I sha'n't have a chance till the wickets get dry.
Oh willow, wet-willow, wet-willow!!!"
[Pg 19]
CRICKET PROSPECTS(From Dumb-Crambo Junior's point of view.)
MARROW-BONE CLUB
A DOMESTIC FIXTURE
A RISING PLAYER
A PROMISING YOUNG BOWLER
TRIAL MATCHES
BATTER AND BAWL
[Pg 20]
THE LADIES AT LORD'SOld Style—Early Sixties.
Scene—The Ground and its Accessories.
Superior Creature. Really very pleasant.
Weaker Sex. Oh! charming. So delightful having luncheon al fresco. The lobster salad was capital.
S. C. Very good. And the champagne really drinkable.
W. S. And our chat has been so interesting, Captain Smorltork.
S. C. So pleased. And now, what do you think of the cricket?
W. S. Oh! I haven't time to think of the cricket.
New Style—Late Nineties.
Scene—The Same.
Mere Man. Really rather nice.
Stronger Sex. Quite nice. Capital game, too. Up to county form. That last over was perfect bowling.
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M. M. Yes; and the
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