Mr. Punch on Tour: The Humour of Travel at Home and Abroad by J. A. Hammerton (classic novels for teens txt) 📖

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*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH ON TOUR *** Produced by Neville Allen, David Edwards and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)

[Cover]

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE. Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. Hammerton

MR PUNCH ON TOUR.

Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.

Mr. and Mrs. Jones's Walking Tour..

(At the Shakspeare Hotel). Voice from the office: "Porter, take this lady and gentleman to the Romeo and Juliet room."

MR. PUNCH ON TOUR THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL AT HOME AND ABROAD DEPICTED BY

PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER,
L. RAVEN-HILL, BERNARD PARTRIDGE,
F. H. TOWNSEND, DUDLEY HARDY, REGINALD CLEAVER,
GORDON BROWNE, LEWIS BAUMER,G. D. ARMOUR,
A. WALLIS MILLS, LANCE THACKERAY, AND OTHERS.

WITH 153 ILLUSTRATIONS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pages fully illustrated

LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN

[Pg 5]

THE HUMOUR OF TRAVEL

There is nothing insular about Mr. Punch. Judging by his features, familiar though these be and long as they have been typical of English humour, he is not without some trace of foreign origin. Indeed, we fancy that were a very searching enquiry to be made into his ancestry we might find he had a far-off forebear who was, let us say, Italian! Perhaps we have here the explanation of his breadth of mind and wide sympathy which, however deeply rooted in the good soil of old England, are by no means absolutely delimited by our coast line.

It is thus that we find him consistently the best of travelling companions, for there is none he is more ready to castigate with the whip of his satire than the insular Englishman abroad. This is as it should be, and in these days of the entente cordiale especially, when the inducements to Continental travel are steadily increasing, all patriotic Englishmen are anxious that their fellow-countrymen should give as good an account of themselves as possible when visiting the fair lands of our friends across the silver streak.

Mr. Punch, while always ready to stand for English ideals of right and[Pg 6] fair-dealing, has equally endeavoured throughout his long career to show that all the good manners of Europe are not to be found on the Continent. But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life. The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures joyously.

[Pg 7]

MR. PUNCH ON TOUR

Mrs. Ramsbotham in Rome.—When Mrs. R. was in Rome she insisted on the guide taking her and her party to see the Papal Bulls of which she had always heard so much. "I suppose," she said, "they're kept on some farm, and are exhibited for prizes just like the King's or the Prince of Wales'." The worthy lady added that she couldn't help laughing to think what a mistake she made in Holland when she was taken to see "Paul Potter's Bull," which turned out to be only a picture.

A Curious Landscape Feature observable at Monte Carlo in the Early Spring.—Blue Rocks.

[Pg 8]

HINTS TO TOURISTS

If you are put with a friend in a double-bedded room, bear in mind that inside walls are only lath and plaster, and that every word you say will be heard in the next room. Therefore carry on your conversation at the tip-top of your voice, and make as much noise as you can in packing, and in splashing, and in stumping round your room.

Always give to beggars who waylay you on the road, and if you know their language, accompany your gift with a little stagey speech to the effect that all we English have more money than we know how to spend, and it is our duty when we travel to succour the distressed. This will mightily encourage the impostors in their trade, and engender a great nuisance for tourists who are poorer or less foolish than yourself.

She meant Nothing Wrong.—Curate to American Visitor. How do you like our church, Mrs. Golightly? It is very generally admired.

Mrs. Golightly. Yes, it's very pretty, but if it only had a clock fitted on the tower, it would be useful as well as ornamental.

[Pg 9]

TACTFUL SYMPATHY

Genial Friend. "Hullo, old man, getting on all right?"

[Pg 10]

Our artist, while staying in the country, thinks it would be a good opportunity for studying calves.

[Pg 11]

Yachting Man. "Well, I always said you were a plucky fellow, Splinter; but really, now, I did not give you credit——"

Splinter (not displeased). "How do you mean?"

Yachting Man. "Why, with your spars, to put out in such a gale o' wind as this."

[Pg 12]

TRAVELLERS' TALES

First Traveller (in the smoking-room). I think the most marvellous sight I ever saw was when I was crossing the Bight of Benin. You know the Bight?

Second Traveller. Perfectly. Shot two sea-serpents there last year.

Third Traveller. I landed hard by when I cycled across Africa.

First Traveller. Well, it was there we sighted a man who had crossed from Buenos Ayres on a hen-coop, with a cotton umbrella for a sail, and——

Other Travellers (jealously in chorus). Oh! Come, I say!

Quiet Man (in corner). Oh, I'll vouch for the truth of the assertion.

First Traveller (nettled). How's that?

Quiet Man. Why, I was the man.

[Company disperses.

Next best thing to the Persian Locomotive Carpet of Eastern Fable.—The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact.

[Pg 13]

Brown, who has had a hard day sight-seeing, in Tunis, goes to a caf� for a quiet drink and rest. Result!

[Pg 14]

A HAPPY HOLIDAY

Now I really do not care a

Hang about the Riviera,

In the daytime you've a gay time,

But the nights are very cold.

And for any kind of touring,

Which I used to find alluring,

I for biking had a liking,

But I now have grown too old.

Then the constant change of weather

To my thinking, altogether

Knocked the notion of an ocean

Trip completely on the head;

I've a horror, too, of "trippers,"

'Arrys, 'Arriets, and "nippers,"

So a jolly quiet holi-

Day I spent at home in bed.

No Difference.—English Customer (to Manager of restaurant). I see, Signor Maraschino, that the American gentleman and his wife who have just left drank nothing but water with their dinner. Does that make much difference in their bill?

Signor Maraschino. Noting, sir. They pay same as yourself and lady, who 'ave champagne. Oderwise 'ow should we live?

"The Great Loan Land."—Russia.

[Pg 15]

What did Mr. Punch do in the Easter Recess?—Volunteer review! Not a bit of it! He just popped over, and had a few days of delightful dolce far niente at Venice.

[Pg 16]

Papa, Maman, et B�b� s'en vont � la p�che aux crevettes.

[Pg 17]

Fin De La Saison.—(At a Cercle Anglais. "Le Fiv' o'clock," i.e., Afternoon Tea.)

Britisher. "Coming to the ball to-night, Count?"

Monsieur le Comte. "Moi, mon cher? Ah, non. I am tired. I have the ache everywhere. I have play the football!"

Britisher. "Good! What?—Forward, half-back?"

Monsieur le Comte. "Forward! Half-back! Par exemple, I am 'Arbitre'—how you say it?—Referee!"

[Pg 18]

IMPRESSIONS FROM ABROAD (By Our Susceptible Subscriber)

Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.

Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from below with an opera-glass.

Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.

Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.

Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I travelled with from Turin.

Impressions on my feet by her sweet little bottines.

Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those bottines too near my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.

Thought By A Tourist.—Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the table d'h�te.

[Pg 19]

THE RULING PASSION

Customs Official. "Have you anything to declare?"

Absent-minded Traveller (Bridge-player, just catching last word). "Oh, leave it to you!"

[Pg 20]

INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS

Henri Dubois (who can speak English) to his friend 'Arry Smith (who can't). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so ungrammaticall�?"

'Arry. "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it, yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a bloomin' swell, do yer?"

Henri. "Voyez donc �a! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze merchants of cheese like you and me!"

'Arry. "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers' little boys go?"

Henri. "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"

['Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels bitterly towards his country.

[Pg 21]

"DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"

Old Gentleman. "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and not half sawdust?"

Storeman. "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never had a complaint!"

Happy Geographical Thought (when crossing the Channel in exceptionally rough weather).—"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be the Pacific Ocean!"

"The Travellers' Club."—An alpenstock.

[Pg 22]