Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing by Hammerton and Tenniel (i can read book club .TXT) 📖
- Author: Hammerton and Tenniel
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Binks, who is the kindest creature possible, has undertaken to fasten up the boat and bring along the siphons. Unfortunately both sculls have gone, and his friends are out of hearing.
[Pg 173]
MOAN, HEARD ON A RAMSGATE BOAT
"Why didn't we go by rail?"
[Pg 174]
MAUNDERINGS AT MARLOW (By Our Own �sthetic Bard)The lilies are languid, the aspens quiver,
The Sun-God shooteth his shafts of light,
The ripples are wroth with the restless river;
And O for the wash of the weir at night!
The soul of the poet within him blenches
At thought of plunge in the water bright,
To witness the loves of the tender tenches:
And O for the wash of the weir at night!
The throstle is wooing within the thicket,
The fair frog fainteth in love's affright;
The maiden is waiting to ope the wicket;
And O for the wash of the weir at night!
The bargeman he knoweth where Marlow Bridge is.
To pies of puppy he doth invite;
The cow chews the cud on the pasture ridges;
And O for the wash of the weir at night!
So far from the roar of the seething city,
The poet reposes much too quite,
He trills to the Thames in a dainty ditty;
And O for the wash of the weir at night!
[Pg 175]
Malicious Swell in the stern sheets (to little party on the weather quarter). "Splendid breeze, isn't it, Gus?"
Gus (who, you see, has let his cigar go out). "Ye-es; but I say, what's o'clock? Isn't it time to turn back?—What d'ye think?"
[Pg 176]
FLITTINGS (Per Ocean Bottle-post)In the South Atlantic,
Three miles off Land (perpendicularly).
Six Bells, Feb. 27, 1898.
Dear Mr. Punch,—Yeo-ho and ahoy! If this ever reaches you, it is to tell you that the very good ship Triton (this is within a cable's length of her name) has been at sea for just a fortnight, bound for the Cape on her second trip. She bears on board about a thousand souls all told, five horses, a couple of cows, two or three parrots, of third-class behaviour, and a few canaries, which have not as yet taken berths inside the ship's cat.
We left Southampton on an even keel, but there were plenty of French rolls for breakfast next morning in the Bay of Biscay, so we were �grotat (sic) for the rest of the day in such seclusion as our cabin granted. The next event of importance was Madeira. Here we had about four hours in which to watch the natives (one of them a one-armed boy) diving for our spare coppers, to breakfast on shore, to do the sights of Funchal, to buy deck-chairs, if not whole drawing-room suites, of wickerwork, to visit Santa Clara and the other suburban resorts, and, most necessary of all, to ascend by the new mountain railway to the church of Nossa Senhora de Monte, and then to descend two thousand feet by carro, or toboggan over the cobble-stone[Pg 178] pathway. It was a lot to do, but we did it on our heads—especially the last-named athletic performance. Our steersman, Manuel, certainly deserved his pint of Madeira at the "Half-way House" for his agility and dexterity in taking us down a decline of one in two, past corkscrew corners, and hordes of beggars.
English money seems to be quite the medium of currency at Funchal, and English is spoken by the enterprising islanders while you wait (or until your last shilling is spent). Even a tea-garden sort of place is dignified by the name of "Earl's Court," to attract and solace the homesick Londoner. Meanwhile, it was market-day on board the ship, and great was the company of merchants with all kinds of wares. These are bundled off neck and crop by 11 a.m., and we settled down to the serious business of the voyage—the election of a Sports and Entertainment Committee, the consumption of six meals a day, the daily sweepstakes and auction on the run, the dissection of everybody's character, and the other inevitable humours and incidents of an ocean trip.
We fetched a compass, or whatever the nautical phrase is, round the Canaries in a sea-fog, for fear of running up against Teneriffe, and since then we haven't sighted land, nor seen a ship, or even a whale or waterspout, nothing more exciting than a few coveys of flying-fish, and, I think, half-a-dozen porpoises. At the moment of writing, however, I see a solitary albatross, and lose no time in informing your readers of the fact. We crossed the line without feeling the slightest bump. We have passed through the tropics with only one hot[Pg 180] night, and our feet, like our thoughts, are now turning towards Fleet Street and home, as we near the Antipodes.
We have had the usual fancy-dress ball with some decidedly impromptu costumes. One of a large theatrical company was quite unrecognisable as Sheffield's Ape, taking the first prize, and has since been busy restoring himself to human form. The captain's clerk appeared in a series of quick-turn changes, such as a comic sailor or a deplorable old lady; while the ship's doctor contributed an awe-inspiring impersonation of Old Moore or somebody in the wizard profession.
The sports and other entertainments have passed off without bloodshed. Our captain, a breezy, jovial Irishman, received the ladies with open arms at the finish of their fifty yards race, and the comedians who performed in "Are you there?" and the other humorous items fully rose, or tumbled, to the occasion, as the case might be. Take it all round, we have had a particularly good time of it. Pleasant company and pleasant weather. Out of reach of letters and telegrams, and face to face with the ocean.
[Pg 182]
We are now in the teeth of a strong south-easter, and the writing-room is beginning to dance, I therefore hasten to catch the post.
Yours, very much at sea,
X. Y. Z.
[Pg 177]
ASSURING!
Passenger (faintly). "C'lect fares—'fore we get across! I thought we——"
Mate. "'Beg y'r pardon, sir, but our orders is, in bad weather, to be partic'lar careful to collect fares; 'cause in a gale like this 'ere, there's no knowing how soon we may all go to the bottom!"
[Pg 179]
ILLUSTRATED QUOTATIONS
(One so seldom finds an artist who realises the poetic conception)"We have fed our sea for a thousand years."—Kipling.
[Pg 181]
A PRIMEVAL YACHT RACE
Somehow or other, in those days, a breeze was more often forthcoming when it was wanted, and the race did "occasionally" end in favour of the challenger.
ON VIEW AT HENLEYThe most characteristic work of that important official, the clerk of the weather.
The young lady who has never been before, and wants to know the names of the eights who compete for the Diamond Sculls.
The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable.
The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles.
The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select.
The houseboat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match.
The "perfect gentleman's rider" (from Paris) who remembers boating at Asni�res thirty years[Pg 183] ago, when Jules wore when rowing lavender kid-gloves and high top-boots.
The calm mathematician (from Berlin), who would prefer to see the races represented by an equation.
The cute Yankee (from New York), who is quite sure that some of the losing crews have been "got at" while training.
The guaranteed enclosure, with band, lunch and company of the same quality.
[Pg 184]
The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass.
Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out.
Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world.
The Thames Conservancy in many branches.
Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse.
Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do.
A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town.
Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique.
An aquatic festival, a pattern to the world.
And before all and above all, a contest free from all chicanery, and the very embodiment of fairplay.
The new lock at Teddington must be a patent one, as there is no quay.
NOT THE FIRST TIME THEY DON'T AGREE TOGETHER
Wife. "Isn't it jolly to think we have the whole day before us? The boatman says we couldn't go home, even if we wanted to, till the tide turns, and that's not for hours and hours yet. I've got all sorts of lovely things for lunch too!"
[Pg 185]
BIS DAT QUI CITO DAT
Lock-keeper (handing ticket). "Threepence, please."
Little Jenkins. "Not me: I've just paid that fellow back there."
Lock-keeper (drily). "'Im! Oh, that's the chap who collects for the Band!"
[Pg 186]
HINTS FOR HENLEYFlannels in moderation are pardonable, but they are slightly out of place if you can't row and it rains.
The cuisine of a houseboat is not always limitless, so "chance" visitors are sometimes more numerous than welcome.
The humours of burnt-cork minstrelsy must be tolerated during an aquatic carnival, but it is as well to give street singers as wide a berth as possible.
In the selection of guests for, say, The Pearl of the North Pole, or The Hushaby Baby, it is as well to learn that none of them are cuts with the others, and all are prepared to accept "roughing it" as the order of the day.
Lanterns, music, and fireworks are extremely pretty things, but night air on the river is sometimes an introduction to sciatica, rheumatism, and chills.
In the selection of a costume, a lady should remember that it is good to be "smart," but better still to be well.
Finally, it is desirable to bear in mind that, pleasant as riparian life may be, Henley is, after all, a regatta, and that consequently some sort of attention should be paid to the racing.
[Pg 187]
GASTRONOMERS AFLOAT
Mrs. Fleshpottle. "Well, I must say, Mrs. Gumblewag, I like something substantial for my dinner. Nothing, I think, can be better than some pea-soup to begin with; then a biled leg of mutton with plenty of fat, with turnips and caper sauce; then some tripe and onions, and one or two nice suet dumplings as a finish!"
Mrs. Gumblewag. "For my part, mum, I prefer something more tasty and flavoursome-like. Now, a well-cooked bullock's heart, to be followed by some liver and bacon, and a dish of greens. Afterwards a jam bolster, and a black pudding, and some toasted cheese to top up with, is what I call a dinner fit for a——"
[Mr. Doddlewig does not wait to hear any more!
[Pg 188]
MORE HINTS FOR HENLEY (For the use of Visitors, Male and Female)Take an umbrella to keep off the rain—unopened.
Beware of encouraging burnt-cork minstrels, or incurring their resentment.
Remember, it is not every houseboat that is sufficiently hospitable to afford lunch.
After all, a travel down from town in the train is better than the discomforts of dawn on the river in a houseboat.
Six hours of enforced company is a strong order for the best of friends, sometimes leading to incipient enmity.
A canoe for two is a pleasant distraction if the man is equal to keeping from an upset in the water.
Flirting is a not unpleasant accompaniment to an alfresco lunch with well-iced liquids.
If you really wish to make a favourable impression upon everyone, be cheery, contented, good-natured, and, above all, slightly interested in the racing.
[Pg 189]
Enthusiastic Skipper. "Aha! my boy! You can't do this sort of thing on shore!"
[Pg 190]
SQUALLY WEATHER—MAKING ALL "TAUT"
FURTHER REGULATIONS FOR HENLEY
(Under the Consideration of the Thames Conservancy)
No piano playing shall be
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