Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing by Hammerton and Tenniel (i can read book club .TXT) 📖

Father Thames (to Henley Naiads). "Don't be alarmed, my dears. If he comes within our reach, I'll soon settle his business!"

["The G. W. R. Company must have known that their contemplated line from Marlow to Henley would raise a storm of opposition against any interference with the Thames at spots so sacred to all oarsmen."—Vide "A Correspondent" in "Times."

[Pg 126]

Monday.—Very pleased I have been chosen for the boat. So glad to have been taken before Amy and Blanche. I am sure I shall look better than either of them. They needn't have been so disagreeable about it. Amy asking for her racquet back, and Blanche refusing to lend me her cloak with the feather trimmings. Fanny should make a first-rate stroke, and Kate a model coach.

Tuesday.—We were to have practice to-day, but postponed it to decide on our colours. Blouses are to be left optional, but we are all to wear the same caps. We had a terrible fight over it. Fanny, Rose and I are blonde, so naturally we want light blue. Henrietta is a brunette, and (selfish thing!) stood out for yellow! However, we settled it amicably at last by choosing—as a compromise—pink. Then I made a capital suggestion, which pleased everybody immensely. Instead of caps we are to wear picture-hats.

Wednesday.—Went out in our boat for the first time. Such a fight for places! I managed to secure bow, which is a long way the best seat, as you lead the procession. Everybody sees you first, and it is most important that the crew should create a good impression. Henrietta wanted the position, and said that her brother had told her that the lightest girl should always be bow. I[Pg 130] replied "quite right, and as I had lighter hair than hers, and my eyes were blue and hers brown, of course it should be me." Fanny and Rose agreed with me, and Kate (who was annoyed at not being consulted enough) placed her five. Henrietta was in such a rage!

Thursday.—We are in training! Think it rather nonsense. Why should we give up meringues and sponge-cakes? And as to cigarettes, that isn't really a privation, as none of us really like them. A mile's run isn't bad, but it wears out one's shoes terribly. Kate wanted us all to drink stout, but we refused. We have compromised it by taking fleur d'orange mixed with soda-water instead. The Turkish bath is rather long, but you can read a novel after the douche. Take it altogether, perhaps training is rather fun. Still, I think it, as I have already said, nonsense, especially in regard to sponge-cakes and meringues.

Friday.—Spent the whole of the morning in practising starts. Everybody disagreeable—Kate absolutely rude. Fancy wanting me to put down my parasol! And then Henrietta (spiteful creature!) declaring that I didn't keep my eye[Pg 132] on the steering (we have lost our coxswain—had to pay a visit to some people in the country) because I would look at the people on the banks! And Kate backing her up! I was very angry indeed. So I didn't come to practice in the afternoon, saying I had a bad headache, and went instead to Flora's five o'clock tea.

Saturday.—The day of the race! Everybody in great spirits, and looking their best. Even Henrietta was nice. Our picture-hats were perfectly beautiful. Fanny came out with additional feathers, which wasn't quite fair. But she said, as she was "stroke" she ought to be different from the rest. And as it was too late to have the hat altered we submitted. We started, and got on beautifully. I saw lots of people I knew on the towing-path, and waved to them. And just because I dropped hold of my oar as we got within ten yards of the winning-post they all said it was my fault we lost! Who ever heard the like? The crew are a spiteful set of ugly frumps, and on my solemn word I won't row any more. Yes, it's no use asking me, as I say I won't, and I will stick to it. There!

[Pg 127]

THE HYPNOTIC STEWARD (Specially engaged for the Cross-Channel Service)

  ["Dr. Paul Farez asserts that he has found in hypnotism an absolutely infallible remedy for sea-sickness and similar discomforts."—Daily Paper.]

[Pg 128]

YACHTING IN LITTLE

Squeamish accepts Stunsel's invitation for a month's cruise in his 10-ton yawl. He suffers much.

Stunsel. "Come, come, Squeamish, old fellow, cheer up! You'll be all right in a week or so!!"

[Pg 129]

SOLAR STUDIES IN THE HONEYMOON

She (reading a scientific work). "Isn't it wonderful, Charley dear, that the sun is supposed to be millions of miles away!"

Charley Dear (suffering from the heat). "Millions of miles, darling? Good thing for all of us that it isn't any nearer."

[Pg 131]

"'ERE'S YOUR WERRY GOOD 'ELTH, SIR!"

[Pg 133]

"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOURS OF EASE!"

"Poor soul, 'e do look lonely all by 'isself! Ain't you glad you've got us with you, 'Enry?"

[Pg 134]

HERE AND THERE

If you were only here, George,

I think—in fact, I know,

We'd get a girl to steer, George,

And take a boat and row;

And, striking mighty bubbles

From each propulsive blade,

Forget that life had troubles

At ninety in the shade.

We'd swing along together,

And cheerily defy

This toasting, roasting weather,

This sunshine of July.

Our feather might be dirty,

Our style might not be great;

But style for men of thirty

(And more) is out of date.

You'd note with high elation—

I think I see you now—

The beaded perspiration

That gathered on your brow.

Oh, by that brow impearled, George,

And by that zephyr wet,

I vow in all the world, George,

There's nothing like a "sweat".[Pg 136]

To row as if it mattered,

Just think of what it means:

All cares and worries shattered

To silly smithereens.

To row on such a day, George,

And feel the sluggish brain,

Its cobwebs brushed away, George,

Clear for its work again!

But you at Henley linger,

While I am at Bourne-End.

You will not stir a finger

To come and join your friend.

This much at least is clear, George:

We cannot row a pair

So long as I am here, George,

And you remain up there.

"Perils of the Deep."

Unprotected Female (awaking old Gent, who is not very well). "Oh, mister, would you find the captain? I'm sure we're in danger! I've been watching the man at the wheel; he keeps turning it round first one way and then the other, and evidently doesn't know his own mind!!"

[Pg 135]

A HONEYMOON OUTING

Ernest (faintly). "Vera, darling, I do believe I'm the worst sailor on earth!"

Vera (ditto). "I wouldn't mind that so much, if I wasn't so bad on the water!"

[Pg 137]

VERY CONSIDERATE

Steward. "Will either of you, gentlemen, dine on board? There's a capital hot dinner at three o'clock."

[Pg 138]

A QUIET DAY ON THE THAMES (Dedicated to the Thames Conservancy)

9 a.m.—Got out my boat, and made immediately for the centre of the stream.

10 a.m.—Spent some three-quarters of an hour in attempting to avoid the swell of the City steamboats. Within an ace of being swamped by one of them.

11 a.m.—Run into by a sailing-barge. Only saved by holding on to a rope, and pushing my boat aground.

12 noon.—Aground.

1 p.m.—After getting into deep water again, was immediately run into by a coal-barge. Exchange of compliments with the crew thereof.

2 p.m.—Pursued by swans and other savage birds. Pelted with stones thrown from the shore by ragged urchins out of reach of my vengeance.

3 p.m.—Amongst the fishing-punts. Lively communication of opinions by the angry fishermen. Attempted piracy.

4 p.m.—Busily engaged in extricating my boat from the weeds.

5 p.m.—Disaster caused by a rope coming from the towing-path.

6 p.m.—Lock-keeper not to be found.

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