Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing by Hammerton and Tenniel (i can read book club .TXT) 📖
- Author: Hammerton and Tenniel
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4. Is "sextant" the feminine of "sexton"?
[Pg 104]
5. How often do "the red magnetic pole" and "the blue pole" require repainting? At whose expense is the operation performed?
6. Are only Royal Academicians eligible as "painters" on board?
7. Is it the duty of the surgeon on board ship to attend the "heeling"?
8. In case the needles of the compass get out of order, will pins do as well?
9. At what time in the day, whether previous or subsequent to dinner, is it necessary to "allow for deviations"?
10. Draw a picture of "Three Belles." Give classic illustration from the story of Paris.
11. What rule is there as to showing lights on nearing Liverpool?
12. When in doubt, would you consult "the visible horizon," "the sensible horizon," or "the rational horizon"? Give reason for your selection.
13. Can sailors ever trust "the artificial horizon"? If so, under what circumstances?
14. Is "Azimuth" an idol, or something to eat?
15. Would "mean time" always refer to lowering wages or diminishing rations?
16. Presuming you know all about the "complement of an arc," explain that of Noah's.
17. Who was "Parallax"? Give a brief sketch of his career.
18. Give example of "meridian altitude of a celestial object," by drawing a picture of the Chinese giant who was over here some time ago.
[Pg 106]
19. Give history of "the Poles." Who was Kosciusko? Is this spelling of his name correct?
20. "Civil time." Illustrate this term from English history.
21. Can a "first mate's ordinary certificate" be granted by Doctors' Commons or the Archbishop of Canterbury?
(On these questions being satisfactorily answered, the next Examination Paper will be issued.)
THAMES TRAGEDIES
Jones says there is only one really safe way of changing places in a skiff!
[Pg 103]
DE GUSTIBUS, ETC.
Philosophical Sea-faring Party (who manages our friend's yacht). "Well, ladies and genelmen, I s'pose this is what you calls pleasure, and comes all the way from London for?"
[Brown, the funny man, with the eye-glass, thinks it an Idyachtic kind of pleasure, but is actually too far gone to say so.
[Pg 105]
"Nice piece o' biled mutton, sir?"
[Pg 107]
I'M AFLOAT
(Mr. Punch in the Ocean on the broad of his back, singeth)
I'm afloat, I'm afloat, what matters it where?
So the devils don't know my address, I don't care.
Of London I'm sick, I've come down to the sea,
And let who will make up next week's number for me!
At my lodgings, I know, I'm done frightfully brown,
And e'en lobsters and shrimps cost me more than in town;
I've B. flats in my bed, and my landlady stern,
Says from London I've brought 'em to give her a turn.
Yet I'm happier far in my dear seaside home,
Than the Queen on Dee side, or Art-traveller in Rome;
A Cab-horse at grass would be nothing to me,[Pg 108]
On the broad of my back floating free, floating free!
On the broad of my back floating free, floating free!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha!
With the lodging-house-keepers all day on the bite,
And the insects I spoke of as hungry at night,
With the organs "Dog-traying" and "Bobbing Around,"
And extra-size Crinolines sweeping the ground,
You may think Mr. Punch might be apt to complain
That the seaside's but Regent Street over again:
But from devils and copy and proof-sheets set free,
I've a week to do nothing but bathe in the sea.
In steamers and yachts I've been rocked on its breast,
And didn't much like it, it must be confessed;
But a cosy machine and shoal water give me,
And there let me float—let me float and be free!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! ha!
(1858)
THAMES WEATHERCome, George, give your clubs and your Haskells a rest, man:
You can't spend the whole of your lifetime in golf;
If it pleases your pride I'll admit you're the best man
That ever wore scarlet or teed a ball off;
I'll allow they can't match you in swinging or driving,
That your shots are as long as they always are true,
And I'll grant that what others effect after striving
For years on the green comes by nature to you.
[Pg 110]
But the sun's in the sky, and the leaves are a-shiver
With a soft bit of breeze that is cool to the brow;
And I seem to remember a jolly old river
Which is smiling all over—I think you know how.
There are whispers of welcome from rushes and sedge there,
There's a blaze of laburnum and lilac and may;
There are lawns of close grass sloping down to the edge there;
You can lie there and lounge there and dream there to-day.
There are great spreading chestnuts all ranged in their arches
With their pinnacled blossoms so pink and so white;
There are rugged old oaks, there are tender young larches,
There are willows, cool willows, to chequer the light.
Each tree seems to ask you to come and be shaded—
It's a way they all have, these adorable trees—
And the leaves all invite you to float down unaided
In your broad-bottomed punt and to rest at your ease.
And then, when we're tired of the dolce far niente,
We'll remember our skill in the grandest of sports,
Imagine we're back at the great age of twenty,
And change our long clothes for a zephyr and shorts.
And so, with a zest that no time can diminish,
We will sit in our boat and get forward and dare,
As we grip the beginning and hold out the finish,
To smite the Thames furrows afloat in a pair.
[Pg 109]
AQUATICS—WHEN THE BEES ARE SWARMING
[Pg 111]
PREHISTORIC PEEPS
It is quite a mistake to suppose that Henley Regatta was not anticipated in earliest times.
[Pg 112]
ON THE RIVER
I sat in a punt at Twickenham,
I've sat at Hampton Wick in 'em.
I hate sea boats, I'm sick in 'em—
The man, I, Tom, and Dick in 'em.
Oh, gentles! I've been pickin 'em.
For bait, the man's been stickin 'em
(Cruel!) on hooks with kick in 'em
The small fish have been lickin 'em.
And when the hook was quick in 'em,
I with my rod was nickin 'em,
Up in the air was flickin 'em.
My feet so cold, kept kickin 'em.
We'd hampers, with aspic in 'em,
Sandwiches made of chicken, 'em
We ate, we'd stone jars thick, in 'em
Good liquor; we pic-nic-ing 'em
Sat: till our necks a rick in 'em
We turned again t'wards Twickenham.
And paid our punts, for tickin 'em
They don't quite see at Twickenham.
[Pg 113]
THE ART OF CONVERSATION
British Tourist (to fellow-passenger, in mid-Channel). "Going across, I suppose?"
Fellow-Passenger. "Yaas. Are you?"
[Pg 114]
THE CHANNEL BAROMETERVery fair.—Really delightful. Nothing could be pleasanter. Sunshine. Ozone. Does everyone a world of good. Would not miss such a passage for worlds.
Fair.—Yes; it is decidedly an improvement upon a railway carriage. Room to move about. I don't in the least mind the eighty odd minutes. If cold, you can put on a wrap, and there you are.
Change.—Always thought there was something to be said in favour of the Channel Tunnel. Of course, one likes to be patriotic, but the movement in a choppy sea is the reverse of invigorating.
Wind.—There should be a notice when a bad passage is expected. It's all very well to describe this as "moderate," but that doesn't prevent the beastly waves from running mountains high.
Stormy.—It is simply disgraceful. Would not have come if I had known. Too depressed to say anything. Where is the steward?
Gale.—Why—was—I—ever—born?
[Pg 115]
EUPHEMISM
Man in Boat. "Come along, old chap, and let's pull up to Marlow."
Man on Shore. "I think I'll get you to excuse me, old man. I don't like sculling—it—er—hurts the back of my head so!"
[Pg 116]
A CRISIS
His Better and Stouter Half. "Oh, Charley, if we're upset, you mean to say you expect me to get into this?"
[Horror-stricken husband has no answer ready.
LOVE ON THE OCEANThey met, 'twas in a storm,
On the deck of a steamer;
She spoke in language warm,
Like a sentimental dreamer.
He spoke—at least he tried;
His position he altered;
Then turn'd his face aside,
And his deep-ton'd voice falter'd.
She gazed upon the wave,
Sublime she declared it;
But no reply he gave—
He could not have dared it.
[Pg 117]
A breeze came from the south,
Across the billows sweeping;
His heart was in his mouth,
And out he thought 'twas leaping.
"O, then, Steward," he cried,
With the deepest emotion;
Then tottered to the side,
And leant o'er the ocean.
The world may think him cold,
But they'll pardon him with quickness,
When the fact they shall be told,
That he suffer'd from sea-sickness.
PUNCH'S ILLUSTRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE
"Richmond is on the seas."
Richard III., Act iv., Scene 4.
[Pg 118]
LECTURES ON YACHTING By Professor Aquarius BrickWe were present when the accomplished Professor Brick recently delivered a series of lectures on yachting, which were very well attended. By his kind permission, we have preserved bits of the discourses here and there. We extract, � discr�tion:—
"I come now," went on the Professor, "to your most important yachters—your genuine swells. Their cutters are in every harbour; you trace their wake by empty champagne bottles on every sea. To such dandy sea-kings I would now say one word.
"About your choice of cruising ground you cannot have much difficulty. The Mediterranean is your proper spot. It is true that we will not tolerate its being made a French lake—its proper vocation is that of English pond!
"I would advise you all to be very particular in not letting your 'skipper' have too much authority.[Pg 119] Remember always, that you are the owner—high-spirited gentlemen do. Surely a man may sail his own yacht, if anybody may! It is as much his property as his horse is. To be sure, when the weather is very bad, I would let the fellow take charge then. There is a very odd difference between the Bay of Biscay and the water inside the Isle of Wight, when it blows. And a skipper too much snubbed gets rusty at awkward times.
[Pg 120]
"Your conduct in harbour will be regulated by circumstances—which means, dinners. Generally speaking, the fact of having a yacht will carry you everywhere. As every a�ronaut is 'intrepid' by courtesy, so every yachtsman is a 'fashionable arrival.' This great truth is scarcely enough appreciated in England. I have known very worthy men spend in trying to get into great society in London, sums which, judiciously invested in a yacht, would have taken them to dozens of great people's houses abroad. You will get asked to dinner; you will be feasted well, generally. Anything in the way of excitement—particularly good, rich, hospitable excitement—is heartily welcome in our colonial settlements and stations.
"But I am not now speaking only to those who yacht, because to have a yacht is a
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