Fairy Tales & Other Murders by Mike Marino (popular e readers txt) 📖

a boat ride and read it to her. As he read it aloud he made changes...the dreaded re-write process. When the final manuscript was completed he found an illustrator for the book and gave it to Alice to read and approve. Alice it turns out loved it. especially where added the Cheshire cat and Tea Party segment as an afterthought and submitted it for publishing.

 

Carroll was a teacher, so his internal radar homing device zeroed in on the fact that these unspoiled minds were ripe for lecture and ideas that you could fill the empty cranial cups with. He was by all accounts an interesting man and made education exciting to young students who were mesmerized by his presentations. He was a boffo hit SRO in the classroom, but on the stage of reality he had his failings. In the case of the marriage proposal to 11-year-old Alice Lidell that turned out to be the final straw and the cause of the break in friendship between Carroll and the Lidell family. Gee..Do you think? As for the nude photos of Alice and her friends that Carroll took, it turns out that in Victorian times, there was this prevailing "child cult of innocence" that was acceptable and nude photos of children were an expression of the pure innocence they possessed. Explain that to John Walsh and the authorities today.

 

Carroll didn't limit his romps with Romper Room juveniles. His appetite was diverse in nature and he also hungered for teen and adult females and preferred the company of married ones although single legal females did not escape his roving eye. In his relationships with children though...those would generally end when they turned 14 years old. Over the hill by Wonderland standards no doubt. Just retain all this information the next time you hand your child a copy of Alice in Wonderland...and to think schools ban books like War and Peace and books by Mark Twain. At least in Twain, Tom Sawyer didn't open Becky Thatchers hatch to get a piece of ass. Now Huckleberry Finn might have attempted it but he was too busy being a pirate and only had pillage and plunder on his mind.

 

Carroll had quite the imagination redlining in overdrive, but it did turn out a curious piece of literature that had a plethora of amazing and bizarre characters. Mock Turtles, flamingos as croquet mallets, a dope smoking caterpillar and everywhere signs...Eat Me! Drink Me! but none that said Bite Me or Fuck You. Alice manages concurrently to grow in size and shrink in size (how cool is that?) and it even has a courtroom scene with stolen tarts stolen by a Knave of Hearts who is about to loose his head to the Queen of Hearts. My favorite characters are the Mad Hatter, the Caterpillar (must have been the hookah that hooked me) and the Cheshire cat sporting that wonderful Lenny Bruce shit eating grin as if he just got back from Disneyland and had a corn dog and ate Mickey on a stick whole in one giant gulp.

 

Alice was not abducted to some colorful land of wizards and witches by a gang of roving gypsies or a tornado with a personal grudge against people from Kansas. In fact, Alice left home on her own, hormones raging no doubt, and decides to step through her own pubescent looking glass in search of adventure and literary promiscuity. As she is sitting on a river bank with her sister, they are obviously passing the hash pipe back and forth as she happens to notice a full clothed talking rabbit with a pocket watch race by them. I know a few of us out there have experienced the same thing or something similar while in a drug induced alter state ourselves. Of course she pursues the rabbit down a rabbit hole free falling all the way or according once again by Dr. Marino, she is coming down off her high. Confused she ends up in a hallway with more doors to open then Monty Hall has. Or even the Halls of Montezuma.

 

She finds a key, unlocks one that leads to a garden, probably of marijuana but she is too big, in fact she is a giant and can't reach the ganja so has to go gonzo to get the goods. She sees a bottle that says Drink Me, probably a bottle of skid row booze from a Bukowsk bum wine stash. She empties the bottle with the style and grace of Tom Waits on downers, and damned if she begins to shrink and her qualms are calmed by a handful of downers. The problem now is that she is too small to reach the key to the garden on the table high above now that she is the size of Thumbellina. Thankfully there is a piece of cake that says "Eat Me" on it...I've said that myself a time or two, both in anger on the street as well as passion in bed. I prefer the bedtime version.

 

She eventually gains entry to the Ninth Gate of Wonderland Hell and begins her trek with a pair of losers, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber...and even listens to a lecture on William the Conqueror. Now I know that there is a dildo named William The Conqueor just as there is one named Steely Dan, not to be confused with the group of the same name...they named themselves after William Burroughs Steely Dan the Dildo...what does that say about their music?

 

Now it gets real Cheech and Chongy as she runs into a blue caterpillar with a hookah. The damn thing also talks and like any good pusher in a school yard offers her free samples of a mushroom guaranteed to get her blasted higher than a kite, while the other piece will bring her down to size. All this growing and shrinking has to be playing havoc with her tampon which doesn't shrink as does her body...especially during the shrink process ..she probably looks like a bomb pop on a stick. Or to the Mad Hatter as a sexy ice cream cone to whet his appetite.

 

Then there is the Cheshire Cat with the Lenny Bruce overdose on the toilet shit eating grin and the Queen of Hearts who in another life could be the lesbian madam of a bordello of young girls who are forced into sexual slavery with the battle cry of Off With Their Heads. You don't have to be Fellini to figure that one out. Eventually the Alice's purple hazed double dazed acid trip comes to an end and she is laying prone with a deck of giant cards falling on her in large enough to be parts of the Twin Towers collapsing in New York. At that very moment...Alice's sister wakes her up. Seems Alice had fallen asleep on the riverbank and the entire episode was no more than a dream that was obviously brought on by some left over brown acid from Woodstock..remember "Don't eat the brown acid, man...it's poison!"

 

Wonderland was no Woodstock, you can be certain of that. I've taken mucho acid in my time and saw the Space Needle in Seattle melt before my very blood shot eyes...I saw Haight Street lift up off the ground and fly into the air...and I even floated encased in a soap bubble over Golden Gate Park, but ,damned if I ever smoked a bowl with a blue caterpillar or did smack with a talking cat. I don't know what Alice was on but we would have paid any price for a hit of that shit...

 

The tale of Alice has been told over and over in film and animation from Disney to Depp...but given the proclivities of Lewis Carroll it't author I'm still waiting for the lost vault version directed by Roman Polanski and starring Nastasia Kinsky! Polanksi and Kinsky = Kinky!

 

Chapter Three - Howdy Doody Exposed

 

Of all the inhabitants of Doodyville...Boy Howdy had them all fooled. Looking as innocent as Ron Howard as Little Opium on the Andy Griffith show he hung out with degenerate clown named Clarabelle who never spoke but loved playing with his bicycle horn...he was a cross between Harpo Marx and John Wayne Gacy. Doody went missing one day...and soon went on a bizarre mass killing spree that eliminated his competition! The group called the Doody Family viciously carried out a carnival of carnage at the home of ventriloquist puppeteer Edgar Bergen. Howdy was living in Haight Ashbury at the time and started using acid and speed and hanging out with a perverse gang, we know today as the Doody-Manson Marionettes. Howdy was involved in the brutal slaying of famed dummy Charley McCarthy and others who were at the Bergen mansion one night. Edgar was out of town in Europe staying in Roman Polanski’s villa at the time fighting extradition on charges of unlawful sex acts with an underage hand puppet, Lambchop, When they arrived at the mansion the Doody Family was unaware that a party was going on and also in the house were hand puppets Kukla and Ollie ….all found beaten and stabbed and the few marionettes present had their strings cut, thereby rendering them helpless to defend themselves. Many speculated the whole,attack was set up by Kermit the Frog as he was jealous of the fact that Jerry Mahoney was getting more “hand puppet” from Miss Piggy than he was...

 

Later during the Summer of Puppet Love in San Francisco...Doody was also involved in the rape of Doodyville prom queen marionette Princess Summer Spring Winter Fall. Howdy had a real hardwood woody for her but she refused Howdy’s doody so he decided to wax his woody in her pinewood forest. At one point she did have a restraining order taken out on him but as you can see when a puppet has rape on it's little wooden head, his woody will win every time.

 

Sexually, Howdy was a bi-doody and had raped prison soap on a rope style Clarabelle the Clown who had also moved with him to the Haight working the streets as a rough trade clown hustler who hung out with the notorious Pennywise. In a relentless search for clues to Doody’s whereabouts, US Marshall, Buffalo Bob and his Peanut Gallery Posse closed in on Doody along with his new gang which included three circus performers and a mime who were engaged in a crime wave in clown costumes based on tip from a midget detective posing as a talking dummy to solve the murders at the Bergen Mansion.

 

Recently released government documents have revealed a plot formulated by the CIA proving that Doody also assassinated JFK with an Italian rifle he had purchased from notorious Italian international arms dealers Topo Gigio and Pinocchio. The buy was made in Hoboken, New Jersey and arranged by a mysterious figure in the underworld known only as Senor Wences. Doody escaped capture and was last seen in Detroit...around the same time Jimmy Hoffa disappeared. Many theories are floating around like a Pennywise balloon but most believe Hoffa’s body was disposed of at a construction site in the Sesame Street Industrial Park being developed by real estate tycoon Mr. Rogers on a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

 

I kid you not! Even