Mr. Punch on Tour: The Humour of Travel at Home and Abroad by J. A. Hammerton (classic novels for teens txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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[Pg 24]
The Personal Equation.
Ducal Butler (showing art treasures of Stilton Castle). "The three Graces—after Canova!"
Mrs Ramsbotham. "How interesting! And pray, which is the present Duchess?"
[Pg 25]
Her Husband (going on the Continent). "Look here, Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."
Arabella. "Oui."
Her Husband. "What did you say?"
[Pg 26]
"EASIER SAID THAN DONE"
Stout Traveller (in the Eastern Counties). "My lad—which is the—quickest way—for me to get to the station?"
Street Arab. "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th' tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"
[Pg 27]
DESPAIR!
Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and forgotten the word that opens it.
[Only ten minutes to dinner!
[Pg 28]
VIATOR'S VADE MECUM (Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist)When the wind is in the North,
Gingham take if you go forth.
If to Eastward veer the wind,
Gingham do not leave behind.
If to West the wind should tend,
Gingham is your surest friend.
If it seek the South, of course,
Gingham is your sole resource.
Intermediate points demand
Gingham constantly in hand.
If there be no wind at all,
Gingham take, for rain will fall.
At all other times, no doubt,
Gingham you may do without,
Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,—
Showers I mean,—so take your Gingham!
English Tourist (in the far North, miles from anywhere). "Do you mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"
Scotch Shepherd. "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"
The Place in Hot Weather.—Lazistan.
[Pg 29]
THE WATER CURE
Young Lady. "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"
The Professor. "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you know."
Young Lady. "Really? That was a change for you, wasn't it?"
[Pg 30]
"Oh! con-found these country looking-glasses, though!"
[Pg 31]
THE HOT WEATHER
Traveller (bedtime, thermometer 100�!). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing as a warmin'-pan?"
Waiter (astounded). "A warming-pan, sir!"
Traveller. "And got any ice?"
Waiter. "Ice, sir? Yessir!"
Traveller. "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed, and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"
[Pg 32]
Scene—An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy Ball.—Globe-trotting "Bounder" (newly arrived). "You're running this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress de rigueur?"
Choleric Colonel (who is Ball Secretary). "Fancy dress, sir, is not de rigueur, but an invitation is!"
[Pg 33]
Up country Joys In India.
The Mem Sahib (with a view to seasonable festivities). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"
"Europe Shop" Keeper. "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel and 'beesham' peel!"
[Pg 34]
THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUEThe T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to go a little farther. We want protection against:—
1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will themselves occupy.
2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves occupy.
3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.
4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.
5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.
6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.[Pg 36]
7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.
8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.
9. Objectionable babies.
10. Objectors to babies.
And a job lot of grievances, viz.:—
11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.
12. Clapham Junction.
13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.
14. The weather.
15. Nasty smelling smoke.
16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.
17. The increase in the income-tax.
18. The cussedness of things in general.
19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.
If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we shall be very greatly obliged.
[Pg 35]
A TIGHT FIT
Chorus of Girls (to popular party on bank). "Oh, do come with us, there's plenty of room!"
Mrs. Ramsbotham was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that she preferred terra-cotta. She probably meant terra-firma.
[Pg 37]
"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with all his money in it, in the mail train going North.
At Munich.—Mr. Joddletop (to travelling companion at Bierhalle). What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's thinner than what I drink at home.
[Pg 38]
MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES (With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle")A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington, Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.
Route of Ramble.—Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left (as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the right bank[Pg 41] of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump. Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through. Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or other purposes.
Length of Ramble.—Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.
Miss-guided folks in Paris.—Evidently those who are personally conducted by "Lady Guides."
[Pg 39]
"BY THE CARD"
Pedestrian. "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"
Boy. "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo t'other way!!"
[Pg 40]
Traveller. "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"
Hodge (who stutters frightfully). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I can t-t-t-tell you!"
[Pg 42]
MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED
Constance (adding the last straw). "There, darling! I hope I've forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, much pleasanter to carry our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"
[Pg 43]
SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES
Excursionist (politely). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way to Slagley?"
Powerful Navvy. "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"
[Excursionist retires hastily.
[Pg 44]
ON THE COLONIAL TOUR
Famous Pianist. "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just have half an inch cut off—just round the nape of my neck you know. Just thinned a little——"
His Agent. "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the agreement—'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia is over'!"
[Pg 45]
EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY
British Tourist (who has been served with a pig's foot). "What's this? I ordered quail!"
Negro Waiter. "Wall—y'ev got quail!"
British Tourist. "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"
Negro Waiter. "Not here!"
[Pg 46]
THE IDEAL HOLIDAYCome, Phyllis, for the season is already on the wane,
And the question of our holiday perplexes once again;
Now every jaded Londoner fresh stores of vigour seeks,
Our problem is how best to pass these few and fleeting weeks.
As one by one each watering-place we call to mind in turn
As promptly some objection to each one we discern;
Thus Scarborough's too chilly, and Ilfracombe too hot,
And this too near, and that too dear, that sandy and this not.
The Alps are always overrun and crowded as Cheapside,
And the garlic-reeking South I own I never could abide;
The Bads—Aix, Vichy, Taunus, Homburg, Carlsbad, Neuenahr,
Are either vulgar, crowded, dull, expensive, or too far.
Oh, for some new and lone retreat, nor far away nor near,
With lovely sights to charm the eye, soft sounds to soothe the ear;
Where vexed and wearied spirits, such as yours and mine, might rest,
And find in life new purpose, in its joys unwonted zest;
Some Aidenn, some Elysium of rapturous delight,
Where peace should reign unbroken from the dawn to fall of night!
Yet since for the impossible in vain we yearn, 'tis clear,
It will end no doubt as usual, in "Good old Margate," dear.
[Pg 47]
"THE VALET OF THE NILE"
Much talked about, but very seldom seen!
"A railway from Joppa to Jerusalem" sounds like a Scriptural line. In future, "going to Jericho" will not imply social banishment, as the party sent thither will be able to take a return-ticket.
[Pg 48]
So Nice And Sympathetic.—A gentleman, whose one glass eye had served him for years, had the misfortune to drop it. It smashed to atoms. This happened when he was far away in the country. He inquired of a friend where was the nearest place for him to go and get refitted.
"Why don't you call upon the girl you were flirting with all last night?" his friend inquired. "She has a first-class reputation for making eyes."
Balloonery.—"We went spinning through the air!" said an enthusiastic aeronaut, describing his recent trial trip.
"Indeed!" observed his companion, meditatively. "Judging by your description it sounds as if you had been in an 'heir-loom' instead of an 'air-ship.'"
At Brussels.—Mrs. Trickleby (pointing to an announcement in grocer's window, and spelling it out). Jambon d'Yorck. What's that mean, Mr. T.?
Mr. T. (who is by way of being a linguist). Why, good Yorkshire preserves, of course. What did you suppose it was—Dundee marmalade?
[Pg 49]
"CAUTION! THIS HILL IS DANGEROUS!"
[Pg 50]
TO ABSENT FRIENDS (By a Fox without a Tail.)Dear Brown and
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