Mr. Punch in Bohemia by Various (dark academia books to read txt) 📖
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THE DUMAS CRAZE
Brown (who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a week and is "going it"). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"
[Pg 26]
A Cheerful Prospect.—Jones. "I say, Miss Golightly, it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this song once, I've tried it a dozen times—and I've always broken down in the third verse!"
[Pg 27]
Beyond Praise.—Roscius. "But you haven't got a word of praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a finished artist?"
Criticus. "A dead one, my boy—a dead one!"
[Pg 28]
Stale News Freshly Told.—A physician cannot obtain recovery of his fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient.
Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared by the broker.
A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making all she has the proper-ty of her husband.
You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a gentleman.
Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly be exceeded.
The Authors of our own Pleasures.—Next to the pleasure of having done a good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written a good article!
Change for the Better.—When the organ nuisance shall have been swept away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as the un-heardy-gurdy.
[Pg 29]
MY MOTHER BIDS ME BIND MY HAIR
SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
[Pg 30]
A FEW GOLDEN RULES TRANSMUTED INTO BRASS The Golden Rule.1. Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day.
2. Never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself.
3. Never spend your money before you have it, if you would make the most of your means.
4. Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.
The Brazen Rule.1. Put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day.
2. When another would trouble you for a trifle, never trouble yourself.
3. Spend your money before you have it; and when you have it, spend it again, for by so doing you enjoy your means twice, instead of only once.
4. You have only to do a creditor willingly, and he will never be troublesome.
A Literary Pursuit.—Chasing a newspaper in a high wind.
[Pg 31]
The True Test.— First Screever (stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's window). "Ullo 'Erbert, look 'ere! Chalks!"
Second Screever. "Ah, very tricky, I dessay. But you set that chap on the pivement alongside o' you an' me, to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty 'at, an' where 'ud 'e be?"
First Screever. "Ah!"
[Exeunt ambo.
[Pg 32]
Musical News (Noose).—We perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at Presburg has acquired a complete mastery over the violin. It has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance in public. Doubtless, his performance will be a solo on one string.
Sporting Prophet (playing billiards). Marker, here's the tip off this cue as usual.
Marker. Yes, sir. Better give us one of your "tips," sir, as they never come off.
Art Dogma.—An artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as when he is drawing her a cheque.
The United Effort of Six Royal Academicians.—What colour is it that contains several? An umber (a number).
Mem. at Burlington House.—A picture may be "capitally executed" without of necessity being "well hung." And vice vers�.
A Schism to be Approved of.——A witticism.
[Pg 33]
Excelsior!
She. "I didn't know you were a musician, Herr M�ller."
He. "A musician? Ach, no—Gott vorpit! I am a Wagnerian!"
[Pg 34]
An Author's Cry of Agony(Wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy)
"Oh! that devils' visits were, like angels', 'few and far between!'"
Riddles by a Wretch.Q. What is the difference between a surgeon and a wizard?
A. The one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer.
Q. Why is America like the act of reflection?
A. Because it is a roomy-nation.
Q. Why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase?
A. Because she is an objet de looks.
Q. How is it that a man born in Truro can never be an Irishman?
A. Because he always is a true-Roman.
Q. Why is my game cock like a bishop?
A. Because he has his crows here (crozier).
COUPLET BY A CYNIC (After reading certain Press Comments on the Picture Show)Philistine art may stand all critic shocks
Whilst it gives private views—of pretty frocks!
[Pg 35]
Retaliation.
Comic Man (to unappreciated tenor, whose song has just been received in stony silence). "I say, you're not going to sing an encore, are you?"
Unappreciated Tenor (firmly). "Yes, I am. Serve them right!"
[Pg 36]
An Inducement.
Swedish Exercise Instructress. "Now, ladies, if you will only follow my directions carefully, it is quite possible that you may become even as I am!"
[Pg 37]
More Swedish Instruction.
Instructress (to exhausted class, who have been hopping round room for some time). "Come! Come! That won't do at all. You must look cheerful. Keep smiling—smiling all the time!"
[Pg 38]
A BATCH OF PROOFSThe proof of a pudding is in the eating:
The proof of a woman is in making a pudding;
And the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one.
A Reflection on Literature.—It is a well-authenticated fact, that the name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success. How strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters.
Motto for the Rejected at the Royal Academy (suggested by one of the Forty).—"Hanging's too good for them!"
Suggestion for a Music-Hall Song (to suit any Lionne Comique).—"Wink at me only with one eye," &c., &c.
Ample Grounds for Complaint.—Finding the grounds of your coffee to consist of nothing but chicory.
A Smiling Countenance is "The happy mien."
[Pg 39]
Publisher (impatiently). "Well, sir, what is it?"
Poet (timidly). "O—er—are you Mr. Jobson?"
Publisher (irritably). "Yes."
Poet (more timidly). "Mr. George Jobson?"
Publisher (excitably). "Yes, sir, that's my name."
Poet (more timidly still). "Of the firm of Messrs. Jobson and Doodle?"
Publisher (angrily). "Yes. What do you want?"
Poet "Oh—I want to see Mr. Doodle!"
[Pg 40]
Our Orchestral Society.
The Rector. "Oh, piano, Mr. Brown! Pi-an-o!"
Mr. Brown. "Piano be blowed! I've come here to enjoy myself!"
[Pg 41]
Jiu Jitsu
Customer.—"Have you 'How to be happy though married'?"
Bookseller. "No, sir. We have run out at present of the work you mention; but we are selling this little book by the hundred."
[Pg 42]
A LETTER TO A YOUNG PUBLISHERSince, my dear Jones, you are good enough to ask for my advice, need I say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious advertisement? You are bringing out, I understand, a thrilling story of domestic life, entitled "Maria's Marriage." Already, I am glad to learn, you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals contradicting "the widespread report that Mr. Kipling and the German Emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel, the appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest." And you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that Mr. Penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream. So far, so good. Your next step will be to send out review-copies, together with ready-made laudatory criticisms; in order, as you will explain, to save the hard worked reviewers trouble. But, you will say, supposing this ingenious device to[Pg 44] fail? Supposing "Maria's Marriage" to be universally "slated"? Well, even then you need not despair. With a little practice, you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive advertisement column from the most unpromising material. Let me give you a brief example of the method:—
I.—The Raw Material."Mr. Penwiper's latest production, 'Maria's Marriage,' scarcely calls for serious notice. It seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page contains glaring errors of taste. Humour, smartness, and interest are all conspicuously wanting."—The Thunderer.
"This book is undeniably third-rate—dull, badly-written, incoherent; in fine, a dismal failure."—The Wigwam.
"If 'Maria's Marriage' has any real merit, it is as an object-lesson to aspiring authors. Here, we would say to them, is a striking example of the way in which romance should not be written. Set yourself to produce a work exactly its opposite in every particular, and the chances are that you[Pg 46] will produce, if not a masterpiece, at least, a tale free from the most glaring faults. For the terrible warning thus afforded by his volume to budding writers, Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."—Daily Telephone.
"'Maria's Marriage' is another book that we have received in the course of the month."—The Parachute.
II.—The Result."Maria's Marriage!" "Maria's Marriage!"
Gigantic Success—The Talk of London.
The 29th edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight previous ones makes this necessary. Each edition is strictly limited!
"Maria's Marriage!"
The voice of the Press is simply unanimous. Read the following extracts—taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers.
"Mr. Penwiper's latest production ... calls for serious notice ... the reader will ... study with attention a work of which every page contains taste, humour, smartness and interest!"—The Thunderer.[Pg 48]
"Undeniably ... fine!"—The Wigwam.
"Has ... real merit ... an object lesson ... a striking example of the way in which romance ... should be written. A masterpiece ... free from faults. Mr. Penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked."—Daily Telephone.
"The book ... of the month!"—The Parachute, &c., &c.
"Maria's Marriage!" A veritable triumph! Order it from your bookseller to-day!
That, my dear Jones, is how the trick is done. I hope to give you some further hints on a future occasion.
"Pray, after you," as the glass of water said to the pill.
Truism for Teetotalers.—When a man is out of spirits—he should take wine.
A Needless Question.—"Do you want a loan?"
The British "Public."—The beer-shop.
Morning Envelopes.—Dressing gowns.
[Pg 43]
"Operator" (desperately, after half an hour's fruitless endeavour to make a successful "picture" from unpromising sitter). "Suppose, madam, we try a pose with just the least suggestion of—er—sauciness?"
[Pg 45]
Gushing Hospitality.
(Time 3 p.m.).—Hospitable Host. "Have c'gar, old f'lla?"
Languid Visitor. "No—thanks."
H. H. "Cigarette then?"
His Visitor. "No—thanks. Nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast."
H. H. "Can't refuse a toothpick, then, old f'lla?"
[Pg 47]
Proportions.
Buyer. "In future, as my collection increases, and my wall-space is limited, and price no object, perhaps you would let me have a little more 'picture,' and a little less 'mount'!"
[Pg 49]
Ingenuous!
Jones (to his fair partner, after their opponents have declared "clubs"). "Shall I play to 'clubs', partner?"
Fair Partner (who has never played bridge before). "Oh, no, please don't, Mr. Jones. I've only got two little ones."
[Pg 50]
She. "And are all these lovely things about which you write imaginary?"
The Poet. "Oh, no, Miss Ethel. I have only to open my eyes and I see something beautiful before me."
She. "Oh, how I wish I could say the same!"
[Pg 51]
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