Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field by J. A. Hammerton and John Leech (ebook e reader txt) 📖

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Voice from the ditch. "Don't jump here!"

Irish Huntsman. "And what would ye be after down there? Wather-cresses?"

Rather

"Is fox-hunting dangerous?" asks one of our daily papers. A fox informs us that it has its risks.

[Pg 51]

Rough Rider (to old Creeper, who will not let his horse jump). "Now then, gov'nor, if you are quite sure you can't get under it, perhaps you'll let me 'ave a turn!"

Proof Positive

Podson (lately returned from abroad). "Well, I hear you've been having a capital season, Thruster."

Thruster. "Oh, rippin'! Why, I've had both collar-bones broken, left wrist sprained, and haven't got a sound horse left in my string!"

[Pg 52]

INEXPRESSIBLE

Master Jack (son of M.F.H., much upset by hard weather). "Go skating with you! Not if I know it. May be all very well for you women and those curate chaps—but we hunting men, by George!!!"

By the Covert Side

Fred (a notorious funk). "Bai Jove! Jack, I'm afraid I've lost my nerve this season!"

Jack. "Have you? Doosid sorry for the poor beggar who finds it!"

[Pg 53]

Elderly Sportsman. "I wonder they don't have that place stopped. Why, I remember running a fox to ground there twenty years ago! Don't you?"

[Pg 54]

THEORY AND PRACTICE; OR, WHY THE ENGAGEMENT WAS BROKEN OFF

Lady Di (to Jack, whose vows of devotion have been interrupted by a fox being hollered away). "Oh, Jack, my hair's coming down! Do stop and hold my horse. I won't be five minutes."

[Pg 55]

AWFUL RESULT OF THE WAR! A Dream of Mr. Punch's Sporting Correspondent

["Mr. Arthur Wilson, Master of the Holderness Hunt, has received an intimation from the War Office that, in consequence of the war with the Transvaal, ten of his horses will be required."—Daily Paper.]

[Pg 56]

"NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED"

[Pg 57]

ROBBERY WITH VIOLENCE

Lady (who has just jumped on fallen Sportsman). "I'm awfully sorry! I hope we didn't hurt you?"

Fallen Sportsman. "Oh, I'm all right, thanks. But—er—do you mind leaving me my hat?"

[Pg 58]

In the Midlands

Belated Hunting Man (to Native). "Can you kindly point out the way to the Fox and Cock Inn?"

Native. "D'ye mean the Barber's Arms?"

B. H. M. "No, the Fox and Cock!"

Native. "Well, that's what we call the Barber's Arms."

B. H. M. "Why so?"

Native (with a hoarse laugh). "Well, ain't the Fox and Cock the same as the Brush and Comb?"

[Vanishes into the gloaming, leaving the B. H. M. muttering those words which are not associated with benediction, while he wearily passes on his way.

Appropriate to the Winter Season

For sportsmen, the old song long ago popular, entitled "There's a Good Time Coming, Boys," if sung by a M.F.H. with a bad cold, as thus: "There's a Good Tibe Cubbing, Boys!"

[Pg 59]

Mr. Briggs's hunting cap comes home, but that is really a thing Mrs. Briggs can not, and will not put up with!

[Pg 60]

Mr. Briggs goes out with the Brighton Harriers. He has a capital day. The only drawback is, that he is obliged to lead his horse up hill to ease him—

[Pg 61]

and down hill because he is afraid of going over his head—so that he doesn't get quite so much horse exercise as he could wish!

[Pg 62]

AT THE HUNT BALL (The Sad Complaint of a Man in Black)

o Molly, dear, my head, I fear, is going round and round,

Your cousin isn't in the hunt, when hunting men abound;

A waltz for me no more you'll keep, the girls appear to think

There's a law been made in favour of the wearing of the pink.

Sure I met you in the passage, and I took you by the hand,

And says I, "How many dances, Molly, darlint, will ye stand?"

But your card was full, you said it with a most owdacious wink,

And I'm "hanging" all your partners for the wearing of the pink!

You'd a waltz for Charlie Thruster, but you'd divil a one for me,

Though he dances like a steam-engine, as all the world may see;

'Tis an illigant divarsion to observe the crowd divide,

As he plunges down the ball-room, taking couples in his stride.

'Tis a cropper you'll be coming, but you know your business best,

Still, it's bad to see you romping round with Charlie and the rest;

Now you're dancing with Lord Arthur—sure, he's had enough to dhrink—

And I'm "hanging" all your partners for the wearing of the pink!

Your cruelty ashamed you'll be someday to call to mind,

You'll be glad to ask my pardon, then, for being so unkind,

The hunting men are first, to-night—well, let them have their whack—

You'll be glad to dance with me, someday—when all the coats are black!

But, since pink's the only colour now that fills your pretty head,

Bedad, I'll have some supper, and then vanish home to bed.

'Tis the most distressful ball-room I was ever in, I think,

And I'm "hanging" all your partners for the wearing of the pink!

[Pg 63]

MR. BRIGGS HAS ANOTHER DAY WITH THE HOUNDS

Mr. Briggs can't bear flying leaps, so he makes for a gap—which is immediately filled by a frantic Protectionist, who is vowing that he will pitchfork Mr. B. if he comes "galloperravering" over his fences—danged if he doant!

[Pg 64]

A DOUBTFUL INFORMANT

Miss Connie (to Gent in brook). "Could you tell me if there is a bridge anywhere handy?"

[Pg 65]

NOT TO BE BEATEN

Cissy. "Why should they call the hare's tail the scut?"

Bobby (with a reputation as an authority to keep up). "Oh—er—why you see—oh, of course, because the hare scuttles, you know, when she is hunted."

Why he waited

"What's the matter with Jack's new horse? He won't start."

"Don't know; but they say he's been in an omnibus. Perhaps he's waiting for the bell!"

[Pg 66]

THE PLEASURES OF HUNTING

To get a toss in a snowdrift, and, while lying half-smothered, to be sworn at for not shouting to warn the man following you.

So Consoling

Lady (whose mare has just kicked a member of the Hunt, who was following too closely). "Oh, I'm so sorry! I do hope it didn't hurt you! She's such a gentle thing, and could only have done it in the merest play, you know."

[Pg 67]

POSITIVELY OSTENTATIOUS

Mr. Phunkstick (quite put out). "Talk about agricultural depression, indeed! Don't believe in it! Never saw fences kept in such disgustingly good order in my life!"

Irish Hunting Tipple

Englishman (having partaken of his friend's flask, feels as if he had swallowed melted lead.) "Terribly strong! Pure whiskey, is it not?"

Irishman. "Faith! not at all! It's greatly diluted with gin!"

[Pg 68]

IN A SHOOTING COUNTRY

Railway Porter (who has been helping lady to mount). "I hope you'll 'ave a good day, ma'am."

Lady Diana. "I just hope we'll find a fox."

Porter (innocently). "Oh, that's all right, ma'am. The fox came down by the last train!"

[Pg 69]

INSULT TO INJURY

Fitz-Noodle's Harriers, after a capital run, have killed—a fox!

Incensed local M.F.H. "Confound it, sir, you have killed one of my foxes!"

F. N. "It's all right, old chap! You may kill one of my hares!"

[Pg 70]

HUNTING SONG (To be sung when the Hounds meet at Colney Hatch or Hanwell)

Tantivy! Anchovy! Tantara!

The moon is up, the moon is up,

The larks begin to fly,

And like a scarlet buttercup

Aurora gilds the sky.

Then let us all a-hunting go,

Come, sound the gay French horn,

And chase the spiders to and fro,

Amid the standing corn.

Tantivy! Anchovy! Tantara!

Uncommonly Keen

"Why, where's the horse, Miss Kitty? By Jove, you're wet through! What has happened?"

"Oh, the stupid utterly refused to take that brook, so I left him and swam it. I couldn't miss the end of this beautiful thing!"

[Pg 71]

IN A BLIND DITCH

Sportsman (to friend, whom he has mounted on a raw four-year-old for "a quiet morning's outing"). "Bravo, Jack! Well done! That's just what the clumsy beggar wanted. Teach him to look where he's going!"

[Pg 72]

DRY HUMOUR

"Be'n't ye comin' over for 'im, mister?"

[Pg 73]

WIREPROOF

Sir Harry Hardman, mounted on "Behemoth," created rather a stir at the meet. He said he didn't care a hang for the barbed or any other kind of wire.

[Pg 74]

A SKETCH FROM THE MIDLANDS

"Hulloa, old chap! Not hurt, I hope?"

"Oh, no, no! Just got off to have a look at the view."

[Pg 75]

Whip. "Here, here! Hold hard! Come back!"

Tommy (home for the holidays). "No jolly fear! You want to get first start!"

[Pg 76]

"Business First"

Favourite Son of M.F.H. (to old huntsman). "No, Smith, you won't see much more of me for the rest of the season; if at all."

Smith (with some concern). "Indeed, sir! 'Ow's that?"

Son of M.F.H. "Well, you see, I'm reading hard."

Smith (interrogatively). "Readin' 'ard, sir?"

Son of M.F.H. "Yes, I'm reading Law."

Smith. "Well, I likes to read a bit o' them perlice reports myself, sir, now an' then; but I don't allow 'em to hinterfere with a honest day's 'untin'."

An Omission best omitted

Brown (on foot). "Do you know what the total is for the season?"

Simkins (somewhat new to country life). "Fifteen pairs of foxes, the huntsman says. But he seems to have kept no count of rabbits or 'ares, and I know they've killed and eaten a lot of those!"

[Pg 77]

PUTTING IT NICELY

Young Lady (politely, to old Gentleman who is fiddling with gap). "I don't wish to hurry you, sir, but when you have quite finished your game of spilikins I should like to come!"

[Pg 78]

TERPSICHOREAN

Sportsman (to Dancing Man, who has accepted a mount). "Hold on tight, sir, and she'll waltz over with you.

[Pg 79]

Benevolent Stranger. "Allow me, sir, to offer you a drink!"

Unfortunate Sportsman (just out of brook). "Thanks; but I've had a drop too much already!"

[Pg 80]

THE MAGIC WORD

Huntsman (having run a fox to ground, to yokel). "Run away down and get some o' your fellows to come up with spades, will ye? Tell 'em we're after hidden treasure!"

[Pg 81]