Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (psychology books to read .txt) 📖

that you are in time for the stupid reality shows on TV.”

 

“ Hi Boss please stop . I haven’t heard a single word what you read out. You may please forward this to me tomorrow” I said

 

“Hi you know that I don’t know how to forward or backward . That is why I rang you up. Anyway u go to sleep now” Sorry for the disturbance! “

 

Col’’s Tweet  

 

“If you are a senior citizen You can cooly stand close to a damsel in a crowded bus; neither the kili nor the damsel bothers”.

 

 

19  Col In Gulf

 

Col had a stint in gulf too after his retirement as a consultant.   He narrated to me his first business assignment in Dubai.

 

He bought a camel from an old Arab for 100 dinars. The Arab agreed to deliver the camel next day.

 

The next day, the Arab drove up and said, "Sorry Sir, I have some bad news for you the camel died "

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Col

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied the Arab

 

"OK, then. Just bring that dead camel and unload it here in my office” said Col

"What are you going to do with him Sir, It is already dead” asked the astonished Arab

 

“I am going to raffle him off, “ said Col

 

“ Raffle a dead camel?” uttered the Arab in disbelief

 

“ You see, I just won't tell that he's dead," said Col

“ Ok you do what you want, but don’t get into trouble,” said the Arab. He promptly brought the dead camel next day.

 

A month later the Arab met with   Col and asked, " Sir, what happened with that dead camel”

 

"I raffled him off, I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dinars apiece and made a profit of 950 dinars . There are thousands of Malayalis in Dubai willing to take raffles,” said   Col

 

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the Arab.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him 50 dinars back & settled the issue! He was mighty happy,” said   Col “

 

The story doesn’t end there

 

After two days Col got a mail from the Arab appointing him as his Business Consultant at a fabulous retainer fee! But he gratefully refused for he didn’t want to lose my company in Trivandrum

Thank you Boss!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

"There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."

 

 

20 Earring

 

 

While in Delhi I noticed that Col was wearing an earring. I was totally surprised, for Col I know won’t spend a penny for unwanted stuff and is a very sober and conservative fellow. I became a bit curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” I walked up to him and said “ Boss I didn’t know you were into earring.”“Don’t make a fuzz yar, it’s only an earring,” he replied sheepishly. I smelt that he didn’t want to talk on the subject any further. I fell into silence for a few minutes, but then my curiosity prodded me to ask “So, how long have you been wearing one?”His reply came, blushing of course, “Ever since my wife found it in the back seat of my car “

 

 

Col’s Tweet

At this age our secrets are safe with our friends because they can't remember them either.

 

 

21   Lost something?

 

 

A police flying squad finds someone crawling on all fours in the middle of the road leading to Vellyambalam at about 11 pm. A Santo car was parked by the side. The inspector stops the vehicle and approached him. He found a gray haired old man neatly dressed in black pants and full sleeves check shirt. He was struggling and sweeping the road with both hands.

 

He told Inspector “ Hi Inspector I am Col …… you have to help me”

Inspector asked “ Sir What on earth you are doing here? “

The Col looked up helplessly with a tired look and said “Hi, I have lost it”

“What sir your purse?”

“Nooo” He pulled out his wallet with bit of difficulty from his hip pocket,   showed it to the Inspector?

“Your watch sir?”

“ No Inspector. It is here he pulled up his cuff and showed him his Rolex “

“ Then what you lost Sir “

“Hi I just can’t recollect the word”

“Ohh your specs Sir”

“No it is here in my shirt pocket.”

“Your car key Sir?”

“Noo! Inspector! it is in my pocket. He pulled out the key from his pant pocket and showed him, still sweeping the ground! Inspector yelled to his cop in the van " Bring that torch’ Lets search “

“ No need Inspector, now I remember, I lost my ‘balance’ just help me to get into the car. “

 

 

Col’s Tweet  

 

“Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can’t blame on the government!”

 

 

 

22   Chewing gum

 

 

Col had to go to Shimla last month in connection with the wedding of the daughter of one of his course mates. He was scheduled to fly from Trivandrum to Delhi by an Airbus of Air India and then to Shimla by an ATR of Jet Airways, which is a smaller aircraft.

 

Col, as normally he is, was bit nervous in taking the flight to Shimla in a smaller Aircraft. Judging rightly from the body language of the Col the airhostess asked him “ Sir, Have you ever flown in a small plane before?”

 

He replied sheepishly “ No, I have not”.

 

Air Hostess: “Well, I guessed so! Don’t you worry Sir, Here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping”

 

After landing at Shimla when exiting from the aircraft the airhostess asked, “ Sir, you had a nice journey and the bubble gum helped you I hope “

 

Col replied admiring both the airhostess and the chewing gum “ yep it worked fine Miss! But the only trouble is that I can’t get the gum out of my ears!”

 

Col’s Tweet  

 

“Behind every successful man there is a surprised mother-in-law!”

 

 

23 You can’t beat this one !.

 

 

“Mate! what are you doing ? “

 

“ I am in the bed underneath the razai “

 

“ hi get up and come down straight to my new flat. I am in real trouble “

One fine chilly Nov morning. Not even 6.30.   My mob rang! I easily guessed who it could be! I was right, the Col was hanging on the other end.

  

Col has recently bought a new flat in Maya Vihar, an elegant 2BHK with car garage. But he hasn’t shifted yet.”

 

“Hi Boss what r u doing there in this chilly   morning?”

 

“Hell with you! Will you come over now? I will tell you when u come“

 

I got out of my cozy bed, brushed my teeth got into my running suit and reached his flat in 15 minutes . I couldn’t control my astonishment! Col was lying flat on ground out side his front door holding his mobile to his ear.

 

” Hi Boss! what is the problem? Why are   you here? You had 4 large yesterday   and unable to find the key hole?”

 “ No yar   Don’t underestimate me I know where the hole is ! “ Then why didn’t you go in “

 

“Ohh   stupid! I don’t have the flat key yar”   I have only my car key now !

 

“Where is the flat key? “

 

“That is inside the car!”

 

“Which one the new i 10 you got last week? “

 

“Yes it is. She is so cute, lovely interior, lot of leg space, absolutely silent and   picks up speed in less than 30 secs, wonderful car to my taste!”

 

“ Boss! now stop describing your fxxxg car!   Tell me where it is”

 

“In the garage”

 

“Then you go and get the key Why you want to screw me early in the morning?”

 

“Come on you idiot you think im a fool to call you if I know where my car is ?”

 

“What?”

 

“ Hi I went to the Institute last night. GPV was with me and we had three or four large Bacardi I don’t remember how much . I left him in his flat aad drove up here! Didn’t want to go home, a bit high you know I’m a BJP ! I smoothly parked the car in the garage and put the shutter down forgot to take flat key! I went   back to my garage and the car is missing ! I don’t know now exactly in whose garage I parked my car! You have to help me out to check the garages !”

 

“ My bloody foot ! you mean to say that I am going to pull up all the 64 shutters here!   Go hop, rotate and climb the nearest gum tree! Hi why Don’t You ring up home and tell your wife to send your BM here?”

 

“BM ? you mean batman? Hi I am not sure whether she is at home or inside the car ! “

 

Really I got earthed!

 

Col’s Tweet  

 

“The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting momen”.

 

 

 

24  Losing weight

 

Col, of late, started feeling that he is getting over weight and it is not good for health. After thinking as to what to do for more than a month decided to see a specialist. He went to the specialist who put him on a special diet.

"I want you to eat as much as a you like for first two days from tomorrow, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for one month ok! Then meet me”   the doctor ordered.

 

"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

 

After a month the Col returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

Col nods, " Of course Doc but I tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead the third day”

 

“From Hunger, You Mean? “ the Doc asked

 

“No. From skipping without rest. Had to purchase a skipping rope every third day!”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.”

 

 

25  New jargon

 

Col even from his young officer days was well versed in inventing new jargons. When he was a Captain he represented to his Company Commander to allot some more funds from the Unit Welfare Fund as “ DIM” for troops under him.

 

“What the hell is this?   What you mean by DIR?” totally confused Company Commander barked at the Col (then Capt of course!)

Col, cool as cucumber, replied, “ One case of Hercules XXX and one bottle of Peter Scot Sir”

 

“What? Explain with full justification! What is DIR & Why PeterScot? You prepare a detailed statement of case with detailed justification ok “

 

“ DIM stands for Discipline   Improvement Measures Sir! One case Hercules for the jawans and the Peter Scot for me Sir!”

 

“Approved! You taught me a new terminology,” I can now ask the Old man for 12 cases of Hercules and a case of Peter Scot as DIM for the company . Prepare a neat statement of case and submit to me tomorrow it self!” replied the Company Commander.

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Women are like phones. They loved to be held, talked too, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! So beware!”

 

26  Airport Computer

 

Col was waiting in the posh Kingfisher Launch in the Sahar International Airport in Mumbai to catch his Air India Express flight to Trivandrum . While sipping the steam hot cappuccino he noticed a computer scale on the corner. He coolly walked to it. The label said that it would give your weight and a fortune if you put a new golden 5 rupee coin.

 

Why not a try ? Col thought to himself. He dropped a golden 5 rupee in the slot and waited . After a while the computer screen displayed: “You weigh 195 pounds, you are married with three children and you’re on your way to Trivandrum your home