Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (psychology books to read .txt) 📖

to make them when nobody is looking!

 

48  What a lucky break !

 

It is about a month that I heard anything from Col . Suddenly on Sunday morning I got a call from him asking   me to come over to Institute to have breakfast together. I drove my Alto in the cool chilly morning and reached the Institute by about 845, Col was waiting for me there.

 

“ Boss where were u all these days ? not seen for ages” I said shaking his hand. He looked at me with his usual grin and asked” Hi isn’t it wonderful to be in peace, no phones, no crib from memsab and nothing to do?”

 

I didn’t get him . However I agreed it is wonderful to be in peace “ But where? I asked

 

“ Jail! Mate in jail! I was enjoying life in Jail for 10 days! “

 

I was stunned “ what the hell are you talking about? “

 

“ Believe me Mate! It happened like this. On a Sunday three weeks back 20 Jun to be precise a flying squad stopped me near Vazhuthacadu when I was driving back from the Institute. They told me to blow into that that stupid breath analyzer! I said no need I have Had three large Bacardi with club soda and you could do what you want. They   produced me to the court on next day   and I pleaded guilty ok! The judge was considerate and offered the alternative of paying Rs 1000 as fine   or 10 days in jail. I said I would go to jail.

 

The judge was really flabbergasted. “But, Col , you are respectable and wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a 1000 bucks   fine is beyond me.”   I just told him ‘ It is like this Sir, Our chef left us high and dry after picking up a brawl with my wife and my wife figures it’ll take at least 10 days to find a new one. I love peace and   prefer to be in jail! “

 

I still don’t believe his story though he swears by me!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Past is unchangeable, the future is unknown And now is a gift, that's why it's called the present

 

 

  

49 When they met!

 

Col and his bosom friend Hemchand had not met each other for many years. They thought of meeting each other on 10 Oct when there was a course get together. But they could not meet since Hemchand didn’t come over to Trivandrum and so they missed each other once again.

 

Recently both of them met in a Kingfisher Flight from Chennai to Trivandrum. Seating next, they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of all these years by telling about their lives, children, grandchildren etc. Finally Col invited Hemchand to visit his new apartment in “Contour Heights” “My kids and grandkids are coming for Xmas and it will be nice if you could make it some time before 01 Jan”

"Great. Where do you live? Give me your address,” said Hemchand  

"Here's my card” Col handed over his beautifully designed card to Hemchand. He added “ And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park your car and come around to the front door, kick it open with your right foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in a minute. But please ring me up and tell me when you are landing next time ok."

"Good! But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" Hemchand asked in astonishment.

 

Col replied confidently "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed! "

 

Col’s Tweet

 

I have a drinking problem - I can’t afford it. Do you have?

 

 

50   Golf lesson

 

Col who claims a handicap of 25 and his grandson went golfing in Trivandrum Golf Club. The young one was really good and the old man was just giving him useful tips. They were on hole 8 and there was a tree in the way and the grandpa said "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree."

 

So, the grandson hit the ball and it bumped against the tree and landed not too far from where he started. The youngster felt bit ashamed and looked at his grandpa apologetically.

 

He said “ grandpa! will you just show me how you managed it? “

“Get me the club I will show you" the young man handed over his club to him and waited anxiously. Col after adjusting his stance and taking aims for at least five minutes gave a huge swing.

 

The white ball promptly hit the tree squarely and fell in front of them. The exasperated Col while handing back the club to his grandson told “ when I was your age, this tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side” .

 

 

51: Army Brain

 

On a Sunday morning we got together in the Officers Mess and having a nice time sipping chilled King fisher prior to lunch. I found the Col in a very pensive and distressed mood. I asked him what was the matter.

He told me   with a bit of desperation in is tone “ Mate ! you see I want to sell my Alto and to go for an i 10. But no idiot is forthcoming to buy my bloody Alto since it has already done 130,000 Kms on it.”

 I thought for a while and told him “ Boss! don’t worry I know a way that will help you sell the car. I have a friend who can help you, but it involves a bit of cheating and you have to shell out hundred bucks ok?”

Col responded “ Hell with the cheating part of it. Im not Mahatma gandhi, lets get the damn thing sold”

So I gave the Col the phone number of a friend of mine who runs a workshop who could turn back the odometer on his car. And I forgot it afterwards.

Next week we met again in the bar. I asked Col if he had sold his car yet.   Col replied with asking grin “ I am not a fool to sell a car which has done only 20000 Kms so far! Ok”

 

 

Col’s Tweet

 

"Haven’t you reached the age where the happy hour is a nap!"

 

52. Four Envelopes

 

 

Col (then Maj) had just been promoted and appointed, after the third look, as the   Commanding Officer of one of the Engineering Signals Regiment. He met his friend & coursemate Col Nair while coming down the stairs of his multi storied office. With his characteristic smile Nair told him ” Hi hearty congrats. But don’t forget to smile at your staff when you go up the stairs for one day you also need to come down” Col warmly hugged him and said “ thank you, by the by,  tell me how to boost up  the image of the Regiment which   I was told is its lowest ebb and sort out the mess here?” Col Nair smiled again and replied “ Take it cool yar . Hi, I will give you some tips”. He took Col to his office in the Corps HQ and gave him four sealed and numbered #1, #2, #3 and #4 envelopes and told him “ these I got from my predecessor, I pass it on to you as  they served me well. You can try too! You can open the first now and the remaining once you have any problems later ok!”

Col thanked him profusely and drove back the 5 Kms at breakneck speed and reached his office.  Told his adjutant not give him any  call or allow any visitor,  eagerly opened the fist one.  It said ” Don’t do anything for three months, just relax have your drinks & golf. Everything will be ok on its own “

Well, things went along pretty smoothly for Col’s surprise. But three   months later, things changed a lot in the reg, took a down turn and Col was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the second envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor and relax”

Col called an extra ordinary conference of all officers and tactfully laid all the blame at the feet of the previous CO and urged all officers to work smarter and get the Unit fit for ensuing Adm Insp of the GOC. Though all worked smartly the unit got a bad chit in the Adm insp.

The Unit was again in doldrums and experiencing more trouble with troop dicipline e and performance in the inter unit athlectics. Tired and exhausted with all his experiments Col remembered the third envelope and opened it very cautiously. The message read, "Reorganize." He wasted no time in reorganizing his unit structure by shuffling the company commanders and shifting JCOs and men left, right and center. The Unit was slowly picking up its gusto once again. But in no time the performance dipped and problems started again and twice got dressing down from the GOC. Cheesed off he went home and poured all his anger on his wife and opened the tha fourth envelope which was kept safely in his almirah.

It read “drive fast to AOI alone of course, don’t take any of your stooges around, order four large Peter Scot with club soda and ice cubes and prepare neatly four envelopes to hand over to the next idiot who will come soon to take over from You, your posting orfer is out you know!”

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them”.

 

  

53. Silencer for a Rifle 

 

 

Col,   when he was doing his JC course was given group project to develop the design for an embedded system for silencer of an automatic rifle. Being the project leader he thought of discussing the issue with his old classmate in CET Dr KN Jose who was on vaction in Indore.

When Jose saw the raw out line of the design Col had prepared he asked, "Where did you get the this design from Yar?” Col replied sheepishly "We got from the previous research papers from the MCTE Library on this subject”

Dr Jose disdainfully replied “ Why? All these are crap. I have done a complete design of the whole gadget few years back. Search out my paper of Sep 2007 in ‘Electrinics Marvels’ and follow verbatim. Hi, be careful don’t mix up with my another paper of mine Sep 2006 on embedded Homeo implant on engineering students!OK”

Well, the jubilant project team head by Col searched out Dr KNP’s 2007 paper,   completely scrapped their earlier design for which they had already spent about 50 K on their own and redesigned the silencer exactly according to KN Jose’s design parameters.

Then they had to test fire and see how it worked. They approached Maj Ghosh in the Infantry School Weapons wing and got an automatic rifle. The project team was so happy and went to the ranges to test fire their product. The minute they fired the the rifle, fitted with the new silencer, Bang! the rifle blew up into pieces. The desperate Col with all members of his team rushed to Indore, He was not traceable in office.

At last they found him in the Indian Coffe House on MG Road involved in a heated a discussion on astrology with few asst professors and lectures of an Engineering College in Indore. Col was on his wits end when he told KNJ the miserable story

Dr KNJ  replied as cool as he