Colonel Chuckles by Scorpio *** (psychology books to read .txt) 📖

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In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. So which is better? Prison or work?

 

41   Poultry Farm

 

This I heard from another source. Col never told me !

 

But he used to tell me that he was really fed up of city dwelling and one day would go to the country side and spend rest of his life in farming!

 

Not knowing head or tail of farming, he drove down to Poonjar and had some good lessons on ground from our Kitex brand Ambassador Karia who is really a good farmer by now .

 

Having satisfied with the info and guiadance that had been collected from his Poonjar friend Col moved to his native country side.

 

He went to the local co-op society of poultry farmers and met the secretary and explained to him that he was going to start a poultry farm for which he already got an acre of land neatly fenced.

 

“Please give me 100 baby chicks to start with." The co-op society man was much pleased and gave him 100 chicks at a discount which the Col insisted.

 

A week later the Col returns and says, "Give me another 200 baby chicks." The co-op man was so happy and complied with an added discount.

 

Again, two weeks later Col returns to the Secretary and asks for 500 chicks

this time !

 

"Wow!" the co-op man was so astonished and said “ wonderful Sir You must really be doing roaring business. I would love to come and visit your farm one of these days “

 

" Naw," said the Col with a deep sigh "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart! No one grew so far! This time I will be more careful “

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. But show me a Pessimist!

 

 

 

42 God hears the needy

 

Col who started balding fast was considered to be the Warren Buffett of our course! But suddenly he finds himself in dire straights . His business has gone bust and he lands up in serious financial trouble.He becomes so desperate that he cannot explain why he is in such a bad shape to his overcautious wife. So he decides to ask God for helpHe begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get any money now , I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto this month ."Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

 

The desperate Col   prays..."God, please let me win the lotto next time! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."Lotto night comes again and our friend still has no luck. Once again, he prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. And my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto one last time so I can get my life back in order”Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens opens and our Warren Buffett is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Hi meet me halfway on this. But for my sake buy a lotto a ticket if you want me to help you

 

”Col’s Tweet

 

“A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single”

 

43 : Better learn correct English,

 

Col knew himself that his English was not so good even from his college days! After retirement when he had lot of time decided to undergo “ better your Engish” classes run by a specialist in communicative English . Now a days his vocabulary outstrips that of others including his wife.

 

The other day he came home from his evening class and said to his wife ”Dear! may I relate to you a narrative?”

“What’s a narrative?” she asked.

“A narrative, Dear, is a tale.”

“Oh, I see,” said his wife nodding approvingly. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light dear?”

“What’s extinguish?” she asked.

“Extinguish means to put out, Dear” said the Col with lot of gusto!

“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”

 

The next day one of our college professors came to tea with our friend Col. While they were having tea outside in the lawn the family dog Rocky began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.

 

Not pleased with the behavior of the dog, the lady wife said to her husband trying to impress with her newly acquired vocabulary “Will you kindly take that idiot Rocky by the narrative and extinguish him!”

 

If you don’t believe me Please ask Dr NA Jose who was having tea there!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that”.

 

44 Help yourself if you can !

 

The Col was was driving home on the freeway after long outing on a Saturday when he was hit by a hailstorm that left his car completely dented all over.

 

He decided to go to a body shop and asked the owner how much he would charge to remove the dents. Seeing that the old man in much worried state he winked at his partner, and told him that it wouldn't cost anything if he followed his instructions carefully.

Col drove home and explained to his wife what has happened and how he is going to save huge money with which he would get her a new salwar kameez.

 

Next morning Col’s wife told her neighbour about the brilliant money saving measure her husband is doing in the garage. The lady equally bright as Col’s wife came out of the house and went to the garage with Col’s wife. . She found the Col sitting on the ground at the back of the car blowing really hard in the tail pipe.

 

"What on earth are you doing?” she asked.

Col looking up with a big smile and a black ring around his mouth said "The man at the body shop told me that I could save a lot of money on repair work if I blew really hard into the tail pipe. He said that all the dents would pop out"

"Daaahhh" said the lady in the neighborhood "but first you have to roll up all the windows!!!"

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes”

 

45  Interview

 

Col, my Boss, has a fantastic detective mind. He had told some one that GPV was drunk on 10 Oct after the annual get together. Sherlock Holmes must be rolling in his grave for he did establish long time back that GPV doesn’t drink during day!

Recently Col went for an interview for a lucrative job as the Chief Operating Officer of a Detective Agency in Trivandrum.

Col always believes in lateral thinking, Probably that must be the reason for his ever successful detective mind. During the Interview the interview board chairman Asked?

“ Col tell me what is 1 and 1?"

"11" Col promptly replied.

The Chairman thought to himself, ‘That's not what I meant, but he's right. Good thinking’

Ha asked again. “What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The chairman was so impressed that this man has given a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Ok Col listen carefully, who assassinated Mahatma Gandhi?”

This time Col was stumped. After a deep thought he said,” Any clue? “

“Sorry no clue”

“ then I have to work on it needs more time” Said Col

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? And call me tomorrow" told the President

So, Col got out and came to the coffee house where we all were waiting eagerly to hear the results of the interview. Col was exultant. " Oh! It went great! First day on the job! And I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

Col’s Tweet

 

You can walk freely anywhere in the world bcos kidnappers are not interested in you since they have to spend lot of money to keep you alive till some one comes forward to pay the ransom.

 

 

 

46 Ask Col.com

 

Three Nairs GM, MGK & GPV had a quite evening on the Xmas eve in GPV’s place in Tvm. They had a nice company of Mr J & B specially arrived from Dubai recently. Some close friends like Jose, Murthy and few others might be lamenting that they missed a nice evening. They talked about most of their exploits in the college days while Mr J & B was gradually losing his height!

 

At last by about 10 PM   MGK and GM both high in their spirits, thanks to Mr J& B, came out. GPV too came out to see them off. Feeling some cool wind blowing, GM Nair looked up the sky to see if it was going to rain. After looking at the sky closely for few minutes he told MGK that it wasn't going to rain because he’s spotted a star.

 

Then MGK raised his head up and looked and said ”hi yar that is not a star but it is the Moon. Can’t you differentiate between a moon and a star? “

 

“Noo it is a star“ GM won’t agree. This led them to an argument if the object was a star or a moon each trying all out to explain with all the reasons he could muster from his already inebriated brain!

 

Then we met Col probably on his way back from the Army Institute, He was also in equal height as these friends of mine.! MGK asked Col who was trying hard himself to keep his balance straight! “hi Col look up and tell us whether it is a moon or a star”

 

Col took at least one minute to lift up his otherwise drooping face and looked up He concentrated in that position for at least ten minutes, then came with a reply “ well as for me, I’m not seeing anything there. I only see Sun who is very hot! Probably I may be able to see better when I reach my home I will answer you in my site askcol.com”

 

“Ok all of us will be on eternal wait to get the answer from you”   GPV said

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Your eyes, ears and memory chip won't get much worse, they already are! So don’t waste your money on them.

 

 

  

47   Most dangerous food

 

In one of our annual gatherings Col desperately wanted few minutes to talk on health tips, his favorite obsession, which was promptly sanctioned by Govindaprasad who invariably preside over such meetings. In his own peerless style Col started off

 

“Did you ever think that all these stuff that we put into our stomachs day by day is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous. None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water the so-called mineral water. In the present day world of fast foods you cant eat anything; every thing takes you closer to death.

 

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'”

 

After several seconds of absolute silence one of the ladies in the front row raised her hand, and morosely said,” Wedding Cake.” It was none other than Col’s wife!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

Everyone makes mistakes. So Please make sure