The OOBS by CC Raz (electronic reader TXT) 📖

6/28

Just put some new music on my mp3 player. I took it off of the "Worship Jams" CD. That's such an old CD. I just found it the other day. And it just makes me feel better. :) It just... makes me feel happy haha there's one that Lawson loves, and it's the cutest thing ever. Then there's the "Dumb Power" song. Groovey Moses that's a funny story.
       We were in the car one time listening to... it was either Micheal W. Smith or one of the other worship songs cds... I don't think it was this one. But anyway... Shelsey (she was really little) said she wanted to listen to the Dumb Power song. So mom went through the CD until Shelsey said it was the right one. Mom listened and she heard the part where it goes "wis...dom, power, and love". They drag out the wis, and the the '-dom, power" is smushed together. It was the funniest thing ever. :) Shelsey used to be so cute.

Okay. Well.. I should probably go now, because I have to watch the kids. But I'll be back later. I'm thinking of going to the Cam Imagination thing tonight. Maybe you'll be there? That would be awesome. :)

Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

6/28

I'm glad I went tonight. I went with Lawson. And Bailey and I got the last two tickets! Yeah!! It was awsome. :) Rachel was the scarecrow. Kaylie Mills was the good witch (I ALWAYS forget her name), Joey Sweeney (I dunno if you know him. But he and Shelsey used to be pretty good friends) was Oz, Amy Elinski was the lion, Stevie was the tin man, and Audrey was the Wicked Witch of the West. And Nancy... I dunno how to spell her last name so I won't try, but she's gonna be a senior) was Dorothy. She was a pretty good Dorothy. She walked out on stage and Lawson goes, "Wow. She really looks like her."  It was adorable. :)

Now, tomorrow, I ACTUALLY get to work with Rachel. I lied this morning. I didn't actually lie. I just remembered wrong. But today I worked with Whyatt. I'm pretty sure he was definitely high when he came in. Like... REALLY high. But... I'll just leave it alone. I'm so excited to work with Rachel tomorrow!!! Like... SUPER excited.

I'm waiting for Bailey to answer me on gmail but she's not on right now. :( Her stupid, broken phone.

Delainey said that she went to your house yesterday. And you weren't there. So she talked to your mom for half an hour. Wow. And no one killed anyone. She said that it was actually a good talk. Now, if it had been me, who knows what would have happened. Or, maybe it would have ended the same way. Your mom is very good at decieving people. And acting. She said that they both agreed that we should wait longer to go to meeting, because you need more time to get settled and readjust to life at home. I agree that you need that time. But I also feel like... if you're here in Wickenburg... And we know where we can get ahold of you, then the longer we wait, the harder it'll be for you. Because you'll know that we know we can reach you at the Kingdom Hall, but it'll look to you like we just don't care. I dunno. I'll talk to Bailey about it and see what she thinks, and I'll keep talking to Delainey for as long as she keeps replying to me. But... you know. Sometimes she doesn't.

Dang. Every time I want to talk to Bailey about something serious, we get way off topic. We're talking about what foods/methods of suicide are masculine or feminine. Good thing I need to talk to her about something important. But we'll get to that. It's not even 10 yet. We still ahve a couple hours before one of us will decide to go to bed

I just got back from a long talk with my mom. Almost 2 hours. We kinda talked about everything. I like those talks with Mom. :) They make me feel... I dunno. I just, whenever I have these talks with my mom, I have all these realizations about how I feel and how I think and things just make more sense. :)

I'm talking to Bailey about the Delainey stuff now. I'm going to finish with her, then goto bed. And Ill tell you all about it int he morning. But for right now, I'm going to go ahead and end it so I don't have to worry about it later.

See you soon. :)
Still praying, still staying strong
Love,
CC Raz

6/29

So... I kinda fell asleep last night before I got to finish the conversation with Bailey. But... I dunno. I just feel like there's no BEST way to do anything. Because no matter what we do, it's clouded our fear and our doubt.
      I had a dream last night where your family and my family were at like... it was kinda like a soup kitchen, I guess. It was REALLY nice, though. Very clean and it was a really pretty building. But it wasn't a restaurant. Definitely a "You're poor? Here's some free food" type of thing. But we were sitting at different tables, and you had your back to me. When you got up to put your plate in the little window thing, I stopped you and I tried to talk to you. And you just walked right by (even though your mom had her back to us as well). On your way back, I grabbed your arm and your eyes like... kept looking over at your mom and you said, "I can't really do this right now." I said "I know but I..." and then I couldn't figure out what to say next because there's SO much I wanted to say and I couldn't decide which came first. Finally, after standing there with my mouth hanging open for a couple seconds, I said, "Are you okay?" You just walked back to your seat with your mom and I just... kinda watched you. And after a few minutes, your family was ready to leave, and your mom picked up Lola and headed outside (Lola was like...2. And Cassidy wasn't there at all). Kenny followed her, and they left you to pick up the plates. You took the dishes to the window and on the way back, I stopped you. I figured that sice your mom was outside, out of sight and earshot, you'd be okay to talk. I'd find out a little about what was going on. But... you didn't. You stopped in front of me, and I started to open my mouth and you said, "Cassie, I don't want to talk to you." And you walked out. And that was it.

It broke my heart. Not just in the dream. But my real, nondream heart. That's not how you really feel, is it? If it is... I'll still keep strong. I'll still be here, waiting for you. I'll always be here for you. You could not talk to me for 30 years, and I'd still be waiting for you. That sounds like I'd just be this recluse who doesn't ahve any other friends because I was only waiting for you. That's not it. I'll always love you, Gwen. You'll always be my best friend.

I'm just... I don't know. There are so many different things that I could do.
     1. I could go to your house. Bring a couple of your JW books back to your house, say, "Hi, I just wanted to give these to Gwen. I thought she might want them, and I didn't want to keep them all here. But I still have more of her stuff there, and there's no hurry to get it out of my house, but if she wants her stuff back, you guys are welcome to come by and pick it up. Oh, and would it be okay to talk to Gwen while I'm here?"I could maybe just sit and ask you about Convention, maybe just a couple questions about how Colorado was etc.
     2. I could go to meeting on Tuesday as planned (Not going tomorrow anymore. I originally wanted to wait unti Tuesday but told Delainey I'd go on Sunday with her, but now... She's not going so there's no reason for me to go) and hope and pray that it doesn't end up like my dream. Hope that it's okay to talk to you.
     3. We could live vicariously through Delainey. Since apparently her and your mom are best friends now (oh, and Delainey said that your mom doesn't hate us. Umm... that's why she wants a farming restraining order), and your mom might let her in to see you, we could just contact you through Delainey. Maybe she could smuggle letters back and forth and all that.

I just... I really don't like number 3, though. Because... well, lots of reasons. They're pretty much all selfish. But... I just feel like Delainey doesn't deserve to be the only one who gets to talk to you. Bailey and I have been doing this since Day 1. Delainey was brought into this a week ago. And then she just waltzes in and does whatever she wants. And that... bugs me. Dailey and I should be the ones to go and see you. Not her. She hasn't earned it.
     I can stay strong, Gwen. But my strength will only last so long without being able to see you. I need to see you and talk to you. When I say that it's killing me, I'm serious. Now, I probably won't actually die. But it's eating me. I can feel myself just... losing my mind. Completely. And having Delainey be the only one to talk to you... that won't stop the erosion. It could slow it down, but it won't stop it completely.

I don't know. I'll probably just go to meeting on Tuesday. You're just so close. And I know where I CAN find you, and where I can maybe talk to you, but see you at the very least. You're so close that I just can't... NOT go. For my sake and yours. I can't let you think