Conversation by Mary Greer Conklin (books to read in a lifetime .TXT) 📖

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CONVERSATION

What to Say and How to Say It

BY

MARY GREER CONKLIN

FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY

NEW YORK AND LONDON

1912

Copyright, 1912, by

FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY

All rights reserved for all countries

[Printed in the United States of America]

Published November, 1912

IN LOVING MEMORY

TO

A. E. C.

WHOSE DELIGHTFUL CONVERSATION STIMULATED MY YOUTH

AND

IN GRATEFUL ACKNOWLEDGMENT

OF THEIR SEVERE CRITICISM AND FRIENDLY AID

TO

CHARLES TOWNSEND COPELAND

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH AT HARVARD COLLEGE

AND

FRANK WILSON CHENEY HERSEY

INSTRUCTOR IN ENGLISH AT HARVARD COLLEGE

PREFACE

"The best book that was ever written upon good breeding," said Dr. Johnson to Boswell, "the best book, I tell you, Il Cortegiano by Castiglione, grew up at the little court of Urbino, and you should read it." Il Cortegiano was first published by the Aldine Press at Venice, in 1528. Before the close of the century more than one hundred editions saw the light; French, Spanish, English, and German versions followed each other in rapid succession, and the Cortegiano was universally acclaimed as the most popular prose work of the Italian Renaissance. "Have you read Castiglione's Cortegiano?" asks the courtier Malpiglio, in Tasso's dialog. "The beauty of the book is such that it deserves to be read in all ages; as long as courts endure, as long as princes reign and knights and ladies meet, as long as valor and courtesy hold a place in our hearts, the name of Castiglione will be held in honor."

In his Book of the Courtier, Castiglione said very little about perfection of speech; he discust only the standard of literary language and the prescribed limits of the "vulgar tongue," or the Italian in which Petrarch and Boccaccio had written. What he says about grace, however, applies also to conversation: "I say that in everything it is so hard to know the true perfection as to be well-nigh impossible; and this because of the variety of opinions. Thus there are many who will like a man who speaks much, and will call him pleasing; some will prefer modesty; some others an active and restless man; still others one who shows calmness and deliberation in everything; and so every man praises or decries according to his mind, always clothing vice with the name of its kindred virtue, or virtue with the name of its kindred vice; for example, calling an impudent man frank, a modest man dull, an ignorant man good, a knave discreet, and so in all things else. Yet I believe that there exists in everything its own perfection, altho concealed; and that this can be determined through rational discussion by any having knowledge of the thing in hand."

If this superb courtier could not reach decisions regarding perfection in matters of culture and polish, I could scarcely hope to have entirely reconciled the contending phases of conversation, even if I have succeeded in impressing positively the evident faults to be avoided, and the avowed graces of speech to be attained. With Castiglione as a model I can only say regarding conversation what he said about the perfect courtier: "I praise the kind of courtier that I most esteem, and approve him who seems to me nearest right, according to my poor judgment.... I only know that it is worse not to wish to do well than not to know how."

Those heretofore interested in agreeable speech will at once recognize my obligation to the few men and women who have written entertainingly on conversation, and from whom I have often quoted. My excuse for offering a new treatment is that I may perhaps have succeeded in bringing the subject more within the reach of the general public, and to have written more exhaustively. The deductions I have made are the result of an affectionate interest in my subject and of notes taken during a period of many years. If the book affords readers one-half the pleasure and stimulus it has brought to me, my labors will be happily rewarded.

Beyond my chief critics, to whom I dedicate this volume, I express my gratitude to Mrs. Fannie Bloomfield Zeisler, the pianiste, and to Dr. Henrietta Becker von Klenze, formerly of the University of Chicago, whose interest in all I have ever attempted to do has been an unfailing support, and whose suggestions have added value to this work; to Dr. Gustavus Howard Maynadier, of Harvard College, for friendly assistance in many ways; and to Mr. George Benson Weston, of Harvard College, who has been kind enough to read the manuscript, and by whose knowledge of the literature of many languages I have greatly profited.

Boston, Massachusetts,
August, 1912.

CONTENTS

Chapter I

INTRODUCTORY

WHAT CONVERSATION IS AND WHAT IT IS NOT

PAGE What is the aim of conversation?—The talk of Coleridge and Macaulay—Browning's delightful conversation—Why we go into society—The elements of good conversation—What it is not—Genius and scholarship not essential to good conversation 21

Chapter II

DISCUSSION VERSUS CONTROVERSY

Dr. Johnson's and Robert Louis Stevenson's opinion of discussion—Politeness and discussion—The hostess in discussion—Flat contradiction in discussion—Polemical squabbles—Brilliant discussion in France—The secret of delightful conversation in France—Leading the talk—Topics for discussion—Gladstone's conversation 35

Chapter III

GOSSIP

Gossip in literature—Gossip comes from being of one kindred under God—Gossip and the misanthrope—Personal history of people we know and people we don't know—Gossip of books of biography—Interest in others gives fellowship and warmth to life—Essential difference between slander and innocent gossip—The psychology of the slanderer—The apocryphal slanderer—"Talking behind another's back"—Personal chat the current coin of conversation 63

Chapter IV

WHAT SHOULD GUESTS TALK ABOUT AT DINNER?

Guests' talk during the quarter of an hour before dinner—What guests may talk about—Talking to one's                 dinner-companion—Guests' duty to host and hostess—The dominant note in table-talk—General and tête-à-tête conversation between guests—The raconteur at dinner 89

Chapter V

TALK OF HOST AND HOSTESS AT DINNER

The amalgam for combining guests—Hosts' talk during the quarter of an hour before dinner—Seating guests to enhance conversation—Number of guests for the best conversation—Directing the conversation at                dinner—Drawing guests out—Signaling for conversation—General and tête-à-tête conversation—Putting strangers at ease—Steering talk away from offensive topics—The gracious host and hostess—An ideal dinner party 111

Chapter VI

INTERRUPTION IN CONVERSATION

Its deadening effect on conversation—Habitual interruption—Nervous interruption—Glib talkers—Interrupting by over-accuracy—Interruptions outside the conversation-circle—Children and their interruption—Good talk at table—Anecdotes of children's appreciation of good conversation—The hostess who is "Mistress of herself tho China fall" 133

Chapter VII

POWER OF FITNESS, TACT, AND NICETY IN BUSINESS WORDS.

Why cultivating the social instinct adds strength to business persuasion—Secret of the ability to use tactful and vivid words in business—Essential training necessary to the nice use of words—Business success depends upon nicety and tact more than on any quality of force 161

Chapter VIII

CONCLUSION

Conversation is reciprocal—Good conversationalists cannot talk to the best advantage without confederates—As in whist it is the combination which effects what a single whist-playing genius cannot accomplish—Good conversation does not mark a distinction among subjects; It denotes a difference in talkability—The different degrees of talkability—Imperturbable glibness impedes good conversation—Ease with which one may improve one's conversational powers 175

CHAPTER I INTRODUCTORY WHAT CONVERSATION IS AND WHAT IT IS NOT