Manners and Social Usages by Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (great book club books TXT) 📖

o’clock.

 

Dancing. R.S.V.P._

 

Or,

 

_Mrs. John Brown

At Home

Thursday evening, November twenty-second,

at nine o’clock.

 

Cotillion at ten. R. S. V. P._

 

But she should not indicate further the purpose of her party. In

New York, where young ladies are introduced to society by means of

a ball at Delmonico’s, the invitation is frequently worded,

 

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Smith request the pleasure

of your company

Thursday evening, November twenty-second,

at nine o’clock.

 

Delmonico’ s._

 

The card of the young d�butante is sometimes (although not always)

enclosed.

 

If these invitations are sent to new acquaintances, or to

strangers in town, the card of the gentleman is enclosed to

gentlemen, that of both the gentleman and his wife to ladies and

gentlemen, if it is a first invitation.

 

A ballroom should be very well lighted, exceedingly well

ventilated, and very gayly dressed. It is the height of the gayety

of the day; and although dinner calls for handsome dress, a ball

demands it. Young persons of slender figure prefer light,

diaphanous dresses; the chaperons can wear heavy velvet and

brocade. Jewels are in order. A profusion of flowers in the hands

of the women should add their brightness and perfume to the rooms.

The great number of bouquets sent to a d�butante is often

embarrassing. The present fashion is to have them hung, by

different ribbons, on the arm, so that they look as if almost a

trimming to the dress.

 

Gentlemen who have not selected partners before the ball come to

their hostess and ask to be presented to ladies who will dance

with them. As a hostess cannot leave her place while receiving,

and people come at all hours to a ball, she generally asks two or

three well-known society friends to receive with her, who will

take this part of her duty off her hands, for no hostess likes to

see “wall-flowers” at her ball: she wishes all her young people to

enjoy themselves. Well-bred young men always say to the hostess

that they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may be

without partners, as they would gladly make themselves useful to

her. After dancing with a lady, and walking about the room with

her for a few times, a gentleman is at perfect liberty to take the

young lady back to her chaperon and plead another engagement.

 

A great drawback to balls in America is the lack of convenience

for those who wish to remain seated. In Europe, where the elderly

are first considered, seats are placed around the room, somewhat

high, for the chaperons, and at their feet sit the debutantes.

These red-covered sofas, in two tiers, as it were, are brought in

by the upholsterer (as we hire chairs for the crowded musicales

or readings so common in large cities), and are very convenient.

It is strange that all large halls are not furnished with them, as

they make every one comfortable at very little expense, and add to

the appearance of the room. A row of well-dressed ladies, in

velvet, brocade, and diamonds, some with white hair, certainly

forms a very distinguished background for those who sit at their

feet.

 

Supper is generally served all the evening from a table on which

flowers, fruits, candelabra, silver, and glass are displayed, and

which is loaded with hot oysters, boned turkey, salmon, game

p�t�s, salads, ices, jellies, and fruits, from the commencement

of the evening. A hot supper, with plentiful cups of bouillon, is

served again for those who dance the german.

 

But if the hostess so prefer, the supper is not served until she

gives the word, when her husband leads the way with the most

distinguished lady present, the rest of the company following. The

hostess rarely goes in to supper until every one has been served.

She takes the opportunity of walking about her ballroom to see if

every one is happy and attended to. If she does go to supper, it

is in order to accompany some distinguished guest—like the

President, for instance. This is, however, a point which may be

left to the tact of the hostess.

 

A young lady is not apt to forget her ballroom engagements, but

she should be sure not to do so. She must be careful not to offend

one gentleman by refusing to dance with him, and then accepting

the offer of another. Such things, done by frivolous girls, injure

a young man’s feelings unnecessarily, and prove that the young

lady has not had the training of a gentlewoman. A young man should

not forget if he has asked a young lady for the german. He must

send her a bouquet, and be on hand to dance with her. If kept away

by sickness, or a death in his family, he must send her a note

before the appointed hour.

 

It is not necessary to take leave of your hostess at a ball. All

that she requires of you is to bow to her on entering, and to make

yourself as agreeable and happy as you can while in her house.

 

Young men are not always as polite as they should be at balls.

They ought, if well-bred, to look about, and see if any lady has

been left unattended at supper, to ask if they can go for

refreshments, if they can lead a lady to a seat, go for a

carriage, etc. It is not an impertinence for a young man thus to

speak to a lady older than himself, even if he has not been

introduced; the roof is a sufficient introduction for any such

purpose.

 

The first persons asked to dance by the young gentlemen invited to

a house should be the daughters of the house. To them and to their

immediate relatives and friends must the first attentions be paid.

 

It is not wise for young ladies to join in every dance, nor should

a young chaperon dance, leaving her proteg�e sitting. The very bad

American custom of sending several young girls to a ball with a

very young chaperon—perhaps one of their number who has just been

married—has led to great vulgarity in our American city life, not

to say to that general misapprehension of foreigners which offends

without correcting our national vanity. A mother should endeavor

to attend balls with her daughters, and to stay as long as they

do. But many mothers say, “We are not invited: there is not room

for us.” Then her daughters should not accept. It is a very poor

American custom not to invite the mothers. Let a lady give two or

three balls, if her list is so large that she can only invite the

daughters. If it be absolutely necessary to limit the invitations,

the father should go with the daughters, for who else is to escort

them to their carriage, take care of them if they faint, or look

to their special or accidental wants? The fact that a few

established old veterans of society insist upon “lagging

superfluous on the stage” should not deter ladies who entertain

from being true to the ideas of the best society, which certainly

are in favor of chaperonage.

 

A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put five hundred people

into a hot room, with no chairs to rest in, and little air to

breathe, is to apply a very cruel test to friendship. It is this

impossibility of putting one’s “five hundred dear friends” into a

narrow house which has led to the giving of balls at public

rooms—an innovation which shocked a French woman of rank who

married an American. “You have no safeguard for society in

America,” she observed, “but your homes. No aristocracy, no king,

no courts, no traditions, but the sacred one of home. Now, do you

not run great risks when you abandon your homes, and bring out

your girls at a hotel?” There is something in her wise remarks;

and with the carelessness of chaperonage in cities which are now

largely populated by irresponsible foreigners the dangers

increase.

 

The first duty of a gentleman on entering a ballroom is to make

his bow to the lady of the house and to her daughters; he should

then strive to find his host—a very difficult business sometimes.

Young men are to be very much censured, however, who do not find

out their host, and insist on being presented to him.

Paterfamilias in America is sometimes thought to hold a very

insignificant place in his own house, and be good for nothing but

to draw checks. This is indicative of a very low social condition,

and no man invited to a gentleman’s house should leave it until he

has made his bow to the head thereof.

 

It is proper for intimate friends to ask for invitations for other

friends to a ball, particularly for young gentlemen who are

“dancing men.” More prudence should be exercised in asking in

behalf of ladies, but the hostess has always the privilege of

saying that her list is full, if she does not wish to invite her

friends’ friends. No offence should be taken if this refusal be

given politely. In a majority of luxurious houses a tea-room is

open from the beginning to the end of a ball, frequently on the

second story, where bouillon, tea, coffee, and macaroons are in

order, or a plate of sandwiches, or any such light refreshment,

for those who do not wish a heavy supper. A large bowl of iced

lemonade is also in this room—a most grateful refreshment after

leaving a hot ballroom.

 

The practice of putting crash over carpets has proved so unhealthy

to the dancers, on account of the fine fuzz which rises from it in

dancing, that it is now almost wholly abandoned; and parquet

floors are becoming so common, and the dancing on them is so much

more agreeable in every way, that ladies have their heavy parlor

carpets taken up before a ball rather than lay a crash.

 

A smoking-room, up or down stairs, is set apart for the gentlemen,

where, in some houses, cigars and brandy and effervescent waters

are furnished. If this provision be not made, it is the height of

indelicacy for gentlemen to smoke in the dressing-rooms.

 

The bad conduct of young men at large balls, where they abuse

their privileges by smoking, getting drunk at supper, eating

unreasonably, blockading the tables, and behaving in an unseemly

manner, even coming to blows in the supper-rooms, has been dwelt

upon in the annals of the past, which annals ever remain a

disgrace to the young fashionables of any city. Happily, such

breaches of decorum are now so rare that there is no need to touch

upon them here.

 

Many of our correspondents ask the embarrassing question, “Who is

it proper to invite to a first ball?” This is a question which

cannot be answered in a general way. The tact and delicacy of the

host must decide it.

 

At public balls there should be managers, ushers, stewards, and,

if possible, a committee of ladies to receive. It is very much

more conducive to the elegance of a ball if there be a recognized

hostess, or committee of hostesses: the very aspect of the room is

thus improved. And to a stranger from another city these ladies

should be hospitable, taking care that she be introduced and

treated with suitable attention.

 

An awning and carpet should be placed at the front entrance of a

house in which a ball is to be given, to protect the guests

against the weather and the gaze of the crowd of by-standers who

always gather in a great city to see the well-dressed ladies

alight. Unfortunately, in a heavy rain these awnings are most