Manners and Social Usages by Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (great book club books TXT) đź“–
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XIII. Before the Wedding and After … 125
XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings … 133
XV. The Etiquette of Balls … 142
XVI. Fashionable Dancing … 150
XVII. Letters and Letter Writing … 159
XVIII. Costly thy Habit … 167
XlX. Dressing for Driving … 174
XX. Incongruities of Dress … 181
XXI. Etiquette of Mourning … 188
XXII. Mourning and Funeral Usages … 200
XXIII. Letters of Condolence … 207
XXIV. Chaperons and Their Duties … 214
XXV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls … 223
XXVI. New Year’s Calls … 230
XXVII. Matin�es And Soir�es … 239
XXVIII. Afternoon Tea … 247
XXIX. Caudle And Christening Cups and Ceremonies … 255
XXX. Modern Dinner Table … 261
XXXI. Laying the Dinner-table … 269
XXXII. Favors and Bonbonni�res … 277
XXXIII. Dinner Table Novelites … 285
XXXIV. Summer Dinners … 292
XXXV. Luncheons, Informal and Social … 300
XXXVI. Supper Parties … 307
XXXVII. Simple Dinners … 314
XXXVIII. The Small Talk of Society … 320
XXXIX. Garden Parties … 328
XL. Silver Weddings and Other Wedding Anniversaries … 335
XLI. Spring And Summer Entertainments … 343
XLII. Floral Tributes and Decorations … 353
XLIII. The Fork and the Spoon … 359
XLIV. Napkins and Tablecloths … 364
XLV. Servants, their Dress and Duties … 371
XLVI. House with One Servant … 380
XLVII. House with Two Servants … 886
XLVIII. House with Many Servants … 394
XLIX. Manners: A Study For The Awkward and the Shy … 401
L. How To Treat A Guest … 408
LI. Lady And Gentleman … 415
LIL The Manners of the Past … 424
LIII. The Manners of the Optimist … 484
LIV. The Manners of the Sympathetic … 441
LV. Certain Questions Answered … 450
LVI. English Table Manners and Social Usages. … 457
LVII. American And English Etiquette Contrasted … 465
LVIII. How To Treat English People … 473
LIX. A Foreign Table D’H�te, and Casino Life Abroad … 480
MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.
CHAPTER I.
WOMEN AS LEADERS.
Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De
Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the prominent position of
woman in the best society of America. She has almost no position
in the political world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in
politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no
Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our Presidents; but
women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by
women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes,
ambassadors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every
court whose business it is to visit, write and answer invitations,
leave cards, call, and perform all the multifarious duties of the
social world.
In America, the lady of the house does all this. Her men are all
in business or in pleasure, her sons are at work or off yachting.
They cannot spend time to make their dinner calls—“Mamma, please
leave my cards” is the legend written on their banners.
Thus to women, as the conductors of social politics, is committed
the card—that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined
in every land but our own.
Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted
we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as
between two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where
so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions
as expressed by the customs of New York society.
When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable
acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and
desirable acquaintance, should have been properly introduced,
should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest
resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first;
but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever
stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable
and polite expedient has been: substituted for a first call in the
sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who
wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These
may or may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known
friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of
the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on
her society career with no loss of self respect. Those who do not
respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new
acquaintances, however—“pushing,” as it is called-cannot be too
much deprecated.
First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited
to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation
come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards,
and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this
matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment
or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done
all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of
good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she
pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to
keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, be
oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New
York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first
attempt at civility, saying, “We don’t know the people.” This is
not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York,
Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and
generally in the country: towns, residents call first upon
newcomers; but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the
newcomer calls first upon the resident. Every one—officials of
the highest down to the lowest grade returns these cards. The
visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the
President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient
that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all
over the country, particularly in those large cities where the
resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless
informed in some such way of the fact.
This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the
intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide
through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid
anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance,
even if such a person should “call first.”
Now the question comes up, and here doctors disagree: When may a
lady call by proxy, or when may she send her card, or when must
she call in person?
After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if
the hostess is at home. For other entertainments it is allowed, in
New York, that the lady call by proxy, or that she simply send her
card. In sending to inquire for a person’s health, cards may be
sent by a servant, with a kindly message.
No first visit should, however, be returned by card only; this
would be considered a slight, unless followed by an invitation.
The size of New York, the great distances, the busy life of a
woman of charities, large family, and immense circle of
acquaintances may render a personal visit almost impossible. She
may be considered to have done her duty if she in her turn asks
her new acquaintance to call on her on a specified day, if she is
not herself able to call.
Bachelors should leave cards (if they ever leave any) on the
master and mistress of the house, and, in America, upon the young
ladies. A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his
card—indeed, that fashion has become almost obsolete, except,
perhaps, where a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has
called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin
card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script
and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A
lady’s card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented in any
way. It is a rule with sticklers for good-breeding that after any
entertainment a gentleman should leave his card in person,
although, as we have said, he often commits it to some feminine
agency.
No gentleman should call on a lady unless she asks him to do so,
or unless he brings a letter of introduction, or unless he is
taken by a lady who is sufficiently intimate to invite him to
call. A lady should say to a gentleman, if she wishes him to call,
“I hope that we shall see you,” or, “I am at home on Monday,” or
something of that sort. If he receives an invitation to dinner or
to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate
answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call
after the entertainment.
This, at least, is foreign etiquette, and we cannot do better than
import it. This rule holds good for the entertainments of
bachelors, who should leave their cards on each other after an
entertainment, unless the intimacy is so great that no card-leaving is expected.
When a lady returns to town, after an absence in Europe or in the
country, it is strict etiquette that she should leave cards on all
her acquaintances and friends if she expects to entertain or to
lead a gay, social winter; but as distances in our great cities
are formidable, as all ladies do not keep a carriage, as most
ladies have a great deal else to do besides making visits, this
long and troublesome process is sometimes simplified by giving a
tea or a series of teas, which enables the lady, by staying at
home on one evening of a week, or two or three afternoons of a
month, to send out her cards to that effect, and to thus show her
friends that she at least remembers them. As society and
card-leaving thus become rapidly complicated, a lady should have a
visiting-book, into which her list is carefully copied, with
spaces for days and future engagements.
A servant must be taught to receive the cards at the door,
remember messages, and recollect for whom they are left, as it is
not proper in calling upon Mrs. Brown at a private house to write
her name on your card. At a crowded hotel this may be allowed, but
it is not etiquette in visiting at private houses. In returning
visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the
first card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a
card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card
by post; if a personal visit is made, return it by a personal
visit; if your acquaintance leave cards only, without inquiring if
you are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the
cards of the gentlemen of her family, return those of the
gentlemen of your family.
A young lady’s card should almost always be accompanied by that of
her mother or her chaperon. It is well, on her entrance into
society, that the name of the young lady be engraved on her
mother’s card. After she has been out a year, she may leave her
own card only. Here American etiquette begins to differ from
English etiquette. In London, on the other hand, no young lady
leaves her card: if she is motherless, her name is engraved
beneath the name of her father, and the card of her chaperon is
left with both until she becomes a maiden lady
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