Manners and Social Usages by Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (great book club books TXT) 📖

engagement is

announced, after a marriage has taken place, after a return from

Europe, and of course after an invitation has been extended; but,

as society grows larger and larger, the first four visits may be

omitted, and cards sent if it is impossible to pay the visits

personally. Most ladies in large cities are invisible except on

their days; in this way alone can they hope to have any time for

their own individual tastes, be these what they may—china

painting, authorship, embroidery, or music. So the formal visiting

gets to be a mere matter of card-leaving; and the witty author who

suggested that there should be a “clearing-house for cards,” and

who hailed the Casino at Newport as a good institution for the

same, was not without genius. One hates to lose time in this world

while greasing the machinery, and the formal, perfunctory

card-leaving is little else.

 

Could we all have abundant leisure and be sure to find our friends

at home, what more agreeable business than visiting? To wander

from one pleasant interior to another, to talk a little harmless

gossip, to hear the last mot, the best piece of news, to see

one’s friends, their children, and the stranger within their

gates—all this is charming; it is the Utopia of society; it would

be the apotheosis of visiting—if there were such a thing!

 

Unfortunately, it is impossible. There may be here and there a

person of such exalted leisure that he can keep his accounts to

society marked in one of those purple satin manuals stamped

“Visites,” and make the proper marks every day under the heads of

“address,” “received,” “returned visits,” and “reception days,”

but he is a rara avis.

 

Certain rules are, however, immutable. A first call from a new

acquaintance should be speedily returned. These are formal calls,

and should be made in person between the hours of four and six in

New York and other large cities. Every town has its own hours for

receiving, however. When calling for the first time on several

ladies not mother and daughters in one family, a card should be

left on each. In the first call of the season, a lady leaves her

own card and those of her husband, sons, and daughters.

 

A lady has a right to leave her card without asking for the lady

of the house if it is not her day, or if there is any reason—such

as bad weather, pressure of engagements, or the like—which

renders time an important matter.

 

If ladies are receiving, and she is admitted, the visitor should

leave her husband’s cards for the gentlemen of the family on the

hall table. Strangers staying in town who wish to be called upon

should send their cards by post, with address attached, to those

whom they would like to see. There is no necessity of calling

after a tea or general reception if one has attended the

festivity, or has left or sent a card on that day.

 

For reception days a lady wears a plain, dark, rich dress, taking

care, however, never to be overdressed at home. She rises when her

visitors enter, and is careful to seat her friends so that she can

have a word with each. If this is impossible, she keeps her eye on

the recent arrivals to be sure to speak to every one. She is to be

forgiven if she pays more attention to the aged, to some

distinguished stranger, or to some one who has the still higher

claim of misfortune, or to one of a modest and shrinking

temperament, than to one young, gay, fashionable, and rich. If she

neglects these fortunate visitors they will not feel it; if she

bows low to them and neglects the others, she betrays that she is

a snob. If a lady is not sure that she is known by name to her

hostess, she should not fail to pronounce her own name. Many

ladies send their cards to the young brides who have come into a

friend’s family, and yet who are without personal acquaintance.

Many, alas! forget faces, so that a name quickly pronounced is a

help. In the event of an exchange of calls between two ladies who

have never met (and this has gone on for years in New York,

sometimes until death has removed one forever), they should take

an early opportunity of speaking to each other at some friend’s

house; the younger should approach the elder and introduce

herself; it is always regarded as a kindness; or the one who has

received the first attention should be the first to speak.

 

It is well always to leave a card in the hall even if one is

received, as it assists the lady’s memory in her attempts to

return these civilities. Cards of condolence must be returned by a

mourning-card sent in an envelope at such reasonable time after

the death of a relative as one can determine again to take up the

business of society. When the separate card of a lady is left,

with her reception day printed in one corner, two cards of her

husband should be left, one for the lady, the other for the

master, of the house; but after the first call of the season, it

is not necessary to leave the husband’s card, except after a

dinner invitation. It is a convenience, although not a universal

custom, to have the joint names of husband and wife, as “Dr. and

Mrs. J. B. Watson,” printed on one card, to use as a card of

condolence or congratulation, but not as a visiting-card. These

cards are used as “P. P. C.” cards, and can be sent in an envelope

by post. Society is rapidly getting over its prejudice against

sending cards by post. In Europe it is always done, and it is much

safer. Etiquette and hospitality have been reduced to a system in

the Old World. It would be much more convenient could we do that

here. Ceremonious visiting is the machinery by which an

acquaintance is kept up in a circle too large for social visiting;

but every lady should try to make one or two informal calls each

winter on intimate friends. These calls can be made in the morning

in the plainest walking-dress, and are certainly the most

agreeable and flattering of all visits.

 

CHAPTER VI.

INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES, AND REGRETS.

 

The engraving of invitation-cards has become the important

function of more than one enterprising firm in every city, so that

it seems unnecessary to say more than that the most plain and

simple style of engraving the necessary words is all that is

requisite.

 

The English ambassador at Rome has a plain, stiff, unglazed card

of a large size, on which is engraved,

 

Sir Augustus and Lady Paget

request the pleasure of ______ company

on Thursday evening, November fifteenth, at ten o’clock.

The favor of an answer is requested.

 

The lady of the house writes the name of the invited guest in the

blank space left before the word “company.” Many entertainers in

America keep these blanks, or half-engraved invitations, always on

hand, and thus save themselves the trouble of writing the whole

card.

 

Sometimes, however, ladies prefer to write their own dinner

invitations. The formula should always be,

 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown

request the pleasure of

Mr. and Mrs. Jones’s company at dinner.

November fifteenth, at seven o’clock,

132 Blank St. West.

 

These invitations should be immediately answered, and with a

peremptory acceptance or a regret. Never enter into any discussion

or prevision with a dinner invitation. Never write, saying “you

will come if you do not have to leave town,” or that you will “try

to come,” or, if you are a married pair, that you will “one of you

come.” Your hostess wants to know exactly who is coming and who

isn’t, that she may arrange her table accordingly. Simply say,

 

Mr. and Mrs. James Jones

accept with pleasure the polite invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown for dinner

on November fifteenth,

at seven o’clock.

 

Or if it is written in the first person, accept in the same

informal manner, but quickly and decisively.

 

After having accepted a dinner invitation, if illness or any other

cause interfere with your going to the dinner, send all immediate

note to your hostess, that she may fill your place. Never

selfishly keep the place open for yourself if there is a doubt

about your going. It has often made or marred the pleasure of a

dinner-party, this hesitancy on the part of a guest to send in

time to her hostess her regrets, caused by the illness of her

child, or the coming on of a cold, or a death in the family, or

any other calamity. Remember always that a dinner is a most formal

affair, that it is the highest social compliment, that its happy

fulfilment is of the greatest importance to the hostess, and that

it must be met in the same formal spirit. It precludes, on her

part, the necessity of having to make a first call if she be the

older resident, although she generally calls first. Some young

neophytes in society, having been asked to a dinner where the

elderly lady who gave it had forgotten to enclose her card, asked

if they should call afterwards. Of course they were bound to do

so, although their hostess should have called or enclosed her

card. However, one invitation to dinner is better than many cards

as a social compliment.

 

We have been asked by many, “To whom should the answer to an

invitation be addressed?” If Mr. and Mrs. Brown invite you, answer

Mr. and Mrs. Brown. If Mrs. John Jones asks you to a wedding,

answer Mrs. John Jones. Another of our correspondents asks, “Shall

I respond to the lady of the house or to the bride if asked to a

wedding?” This seems so impossible a confusion that we should not

think of mentioning so self-evident a fact had not the doubt

arisen. One has nothing to say to the bride in answering such an

invitation; the answer is to be sent to the hostess, who writes.

 

Always carefully observe the formula of your invitation, and

answer it exactly. As to the card of the English ambassador, a

gentleman should write: “Mr. Algernon Gracie will do himself the

honor to accept the invitation of Sir Augustus and Lady Paget.” In

America he would be a trifle less formal, saying, “Mr. Algernon

Gracie will have much pleasure in accepting the polite invitation

of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Brown.” We notice that on all English cards

the “R.S.V.P.” is omitted, and that a plain line of English script

is engraved, saying, “The favor of an answer is requested.”

 

In this country the invitations to a dinner are always in the name

of both host and hostess, but invitations to a ball, “at home,” a

tea, or garden-party, are in the name of the hostess alone. At a

wedding the names of both host and hostess are given. And if a

father entertains for his daughters, he being a widower, his name

appears alone for her wedding; but if his eldest daughter presides

over his household, his and her name appear together for dinners,

receptions, and “at homes.” Many widowed fathers, however, omit

the names of their daughters on the invitation. A young lady at

the head of her father’s house may, if she is no longer very

young, issue her own cards for a tea. It is never proper for very

young ladies to invite gentlemen in their own name to visit at the

house, call on them, or to come to dinner. The invitation must

come from the father, mother, or chaperon.

 

At