Manners and Social Usages by Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (great book club books TXT) 📖

of somewhat mature

if uncertain age.

 

It is rare now to see the names of both husband and wife engraved

on one card, as “Mr. and Mrs. Brown.” The lady has her own card,

“Mrs. Octavius Brown,” or with the addition, “The Misses Brown.”

Her husband has his separate card; each of the sons has his own

card. No titles are used on visiting-cards in America, save

military, naval, or judicial ones; and, indeed, many of our most

distinguished judges have had cards printed simply with the name,

without prefix or affix. “Mr. Webster,” “Mr. Winthrop,” “Henry

Clay” are well-known instances of simplicity. But a woman must

always use the prefix “Mrs.” or “Miss.” A gentleman may or may not

use the prefix “Mr.,” as he pleases, but women must treat

themselves with more respect. No card is less proper than one

which is boldly engraved “Gertrude F. Brown;” it should be “Miss

Gertrude F. Brown.”

 

A married lady always bears her husband’s name, during his life,

on her card. Some discussion is now going on as to whether she

should continue to call herself “Mrs. Octavius Brown” or “Mrs.

Mary Brown” after his death. The burden of opinion is in favor of

the latter—particularly as a son may bear his father’s name, so

there will be two Mrs. Octavius Browns. No lady wishes to be known

as “old Mrs. Octavius Brown,” and as we do not use the convenient

title of Dowager, we may as well take the alternative of the

Christian name. We cannot say “Mrs. Octavius Brown, Jr.,” if the

husband has ceased to be a junior. Many married ladies hesitate to

discard the name by which they have always been known. Perhaps the

simple “Mrs. Brown” is the best, after all. No lady should leave

cards upon an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his

having given entertainments at which ladies were present. Then the

lady of the house should drive to his door with the cards of

herself and family, allowing the footman to leave them.

 

The young ladies’ names, in such a case as this, should be

engraven on their mother’s card.

 

“We have no leisure class,” as Henry James says in his brilliant

“International Episode;” but still young men should try to make

time to call on those who entertain them, showing by some sort of

personal attention their gratitude for the politeness shown them.

American young men are, as a rule, very remiss about this matter

of calling on the hostess whose hospitality they accept.

 

A gentleman should not call on a young lady without asking for her

mother or her chaperon. Nor should he leave cards for her alone,

but always leave one for her mother.

 

Ladies can, and often do, write informal invitations on the

visiting-card. To teas, readings, and small parties, may be added

the day of reception. It is convenient and proper to send these

cards by post. Everything can be sent by post now, except an

invitation to dinner, and that must always be sent by private

hand, and an answer must be immediately returned in the same

formal manner.

 

After balls, amateur concerts, theatrical parties, garden-parties,

or “at homes,” cards should be left by all invited guests within a

week after the invitation, particularly if the invited guest has

been obliged to decline. These cards may be left without inquiring

for the hostess, if time presses; but it is more polite to inquire

for the hostess, even if it is not her day. If it is her reception

day, it would be rude not to inquire, enter, and pay a personal

visit. After a dinner, one must inquire for the hostess and pay a

personal visit. It is necessary to mention this fact, because so

many ladies have got into the habit (having large acquaintances)

of leaving or sending cards in by a footman, without inquiring for

the hostess (who is generally not at home), that there has grown

up a confusion, which leads to offence being taken where none is

meant.

 

It is not considered necessary to leave cards after a tea. A lady

leaves her cards as she enters the hall, pays her visit, and the

etiquette of a visiting acquaintance is thus established for a

year. She should, however, give a tea herself, asking all her

entertainers.

 

If a lady has been invited to a tea or other entertainment through

a friend without having known her hostess, she is bound to call

soon; but if the invitation is not followed up by a return card or

another invitation, she must understand that the acquaintance is

at an end. She may, however, invite her new friend, within a

reasonable time, to some entertainment at her own house, and if

that is accepted, the acquaintance goes on. It is soon ascertained

by a young woman who begins life in a new city whether her new

friends intend to be friendly or the reverse. A resident of a town

or village can call, with propriety, on any newcomer. The

newcomer must return this call; but, if she does not desire a

further acquaintance, this can be the end of it. The time of

calling must in every town be settled by the habits of the place;

after two o’clock and before six is, however, generally safe.

 

In England they have a pleasant fashion of calling to inquire for

invalids or afflicted friends, and of pencilling the words “kind

inquiries.” It has not obtained that popularity in America which

it deserves, and it would be well to introduce it. If a lady call

on a person who is a stranger to her, and if she has difficulty in

impressing her name on the servant, she sends up her card, while

she waits to see if the lady will receive her. But she must never

on any occasion hand her own card to her hostess. If she enters

the parlor and finds her hostess there, she must introduce herself

by pronouncing her own name distinctly. If she is acquainted with

the lady, she simply gives her name to the servant, and does not

send up her card.

 

Wedding-cards have great prominence in America, but we ignore

those elaborate funeral-cards and christening-cards, and printed

cards with announcements of engagements, and many other cards

fashionable abroad. With us the cards of the bride and her

parents, and sometimes of the fianc�, are sent to all friends

before the wedding, and those of the invitation to the wedding to

a few only, it may be, or to all, as the family desire. After the

marriage, the cards of the married pair, with their address, are

sent to all whose acquaintance is desired.

 

Husbands and wives rarely call together in America, although there

is no law against their doing so. It is unusual because, as we

have said, we have no “leisure class.” Gentlemen are privileged to

call on Sunday, after church, and on Sunday evenings. A mother and

daughter should call together, or, if the mother is an invalid,

the daughter can call, leaving her mother’s card.

 

“Not at home” is a proper formula, if ladies are not receiving;

nor does it involve a falsehood. It merely means that the lady is

not at home to company. The servant should also add, “Mrs. Brown

receives on Tuesdays,” if the lady has a day. Were not ladies able

to deny themselves to callers there would be no time in crowded

cities for any sort of work, or repose, or leisure for self-improvement. For, with the many idle people who seek to rid

themselves of the pain and penalty of their own vapid society by

calling and making somebody else entertain them, with the

wandering book-agents and beggars, or with even the overflow of

society, a lady would find her existence muddled away by the

poorest and most abject of occupations—that of receiving a number

of inconsiderate, and perhaps impertinent, wasters of time.

 

It is well for all housekeepers to devote one day in the week to

the reception of visitors—the morning to tradespeople and those

who may wish to see her on business, and the afternoon to those

who call socially. It saves her time and simplifies matters.

 

Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should ask the servant

where his mistress is, when she went out, when she will be in, how

soon she will be down, etc. All that a well-bred servant should

say to such questions is, “I do not know, madam.” A mistress

should inform her servant after breakfast what he is to say to

all comers. It is very offensive to a visitor to be let in, and

then be told that she cannot see the lady of the house. She feels

personally insulted, and as if, had she been some other person,

the lady of the house would perhaps have seen her.

 

If a servant, evidently ignorant and uncertain of his mistress and

her wishes, says, “I will see if Mrs. Brown will see you,” and

ushers you into the parlor, it is only proper to go in and wait.

But it is always well to say, “If Mrs. Brown is going out, is

dressing, or is otherwise engaged, ask her not to trouble herself

to come down.” Mrs. Brown will be very much obliged to you. In

calling on a friend who is staying with people with whom you are

not acquainted, always leave a card for the lady of the house. The

lack of this attention is severely felt by new people who may

entertain a fashionable woman as their guest—one who receives

many calls from those who do not know her hostess. It is never

proper to call on a guest without asking for the hostess.

 

Again, if the hostess be a very fashionable woman, and the visitor

decidedly not so, it is equally vulgar to make one’s friend who

may be a guest in the house a sort of entering wedge for an

acquaintance; a card should be left, but unaccompanied by any

request to see the lady of the house. This every lady will at once

understand. A lady who has a guest staying with her who receives

really calls should always try to place a parlor at her disposal

where she can see her friends alone, unless she be a very young

person, to whom the chaperonage of the hostess is indispensable.

 

If the lady of the house is in the drawing-room when the visitor

arrives to call on her guest, she is, of course, introduced and

says a few words; and if she is not in the room, the guest should

inquire of the visitor if the lady of the house will see him or

her, thus giving her a chance to accept or decline.

 

In calling on the sons or the daughters of the house, every

visitor should leave a card for the father and mother. If ladies

are at home, cards should be left for the gentlemen of the family.

 

In Europe a young man is not allowed to ask for the young ladies

of the house in formal parlance, nor is he allowed to leave a card

on them—socially in Europe the “jeune fille” has no existence.

He calls on the mother or chaperon; the young lady may be sent

for, but he must not inquire for her first. Even if she is a young

lady at the head of a house, he is not allowed to call upon her

without some preliminaries; some amiable female friend must manage

to bring them together.

 

In America the other extreme has led to a very vicious system of

etiquette, by which young ladies are recognized as altogether

leaders of society, receiving the guests and pushing their mothers

into the background. It