Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Jason Goodwin (free ebook novel .TXT) 📖

down. I could not complain, because no one would believe me.Sexual abuse is so unfair, so painful, and so wrong.

The abuse I experienced hurt me on thedeepest levels. I’m angry with God, angry with my abusers, andangry at the world.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #4: Anger at People

Today I was wondering why I hate myself somuch, and I realized that the answer is “people.”

People can be so cruel to me, sodisrespectful or downright abusive. How can I maintain myself-esteem when other people are abusing me?

Even when I’m being good to myself, otherscan still disrespect me. They can still hurt me. I hate feeling sovulnerable to the actions of others, but what can I do?

At some point in our lives, we all get hurt.Others will always have the power to hurt us, and that’s nevergoing to change. It’s important to remove ourselves from abusivesituations because we owe that to ourselves. But sometimes we can’tstop the abuse. Sometimes an abuser is blind to the hurt theycause. Their own mind lies to them. Their denial protects them fromthe truth of what they are doing. Some abusers live in aself-delusional world where they can do no wrong.

I can’t control my self-esteem because Ican’t control the hurtful actions of others. That fact is verydiscouraging. I’ll never be able to leave an abusive relationshipwith my self-esteem intact, even if I do everything right. Even ifI do everything in my power to protect myself from harm.

Sometimes when I remove myself from anabusive relationship, it’s too late. The damage is already done. Myself-esteem is destroyed.

I have to accept that people can hurt me. YetI can heal my pain when I allow myself to grieve. When bad thingshappen to me, I can continue to be good to myself and take care ofmyself. I can begin to love myself again, and work to heal thetrauma.

It’s horrible that people can hurt me, butthe truth is that I’m human. Sometimes I am going to get hurt. Icannot always prevent bad things from happening to me. I can onlyhelp myself to heal.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #5: Low Self-Esteem is a Belief

Low self-esteem is a belief, supported byfear, that having been sexually abused “means” something about me.I have believed that being sexually abused makes me a badperson.

(My wise, inner voice): If you believe youare a bad person, your logic is defective! You are a goodperson.

Here is my faulty logic:

1. I was sexually abused. Therefore, Ideserve to be abused.

2. Nobody loved me. Therefore, I don’tdeserve to be loved.

3. I felt abandoned by God. Therefore, Goddoesn’t love me.

4. I had to do what my abusers forced me todo. Therefore, I am evil.

It may be true that I was sexually abused. Itmay be true that my abusers did not love me. I did feel abandonedby God, and I did have to do what my abusers forced me to do. Butthe conclusions I came to about myself were based on circularlogic, and they make no sense. They are an attempt to blame myselffor the actions of another.

1. Even if I was abused, I still don’tdeserve to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused.

2. Just because my abusers didn’t love medoesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be loved or that I amunlovable. Being a child of God makes me worthy of all the lovethis world has to offer. I am special, unique, and important toGod, myself, and others.

3. I felt abandoned by God, but God stillloves me. God loved me when those things were happening. He/Shestill loves me today. The love of God will never change, even whenit’s hard for me to understand why He/She allowed me to suffer.

4. If I did what my abusers forced me to do,I need to forgive myself for being a scared kid. I wasn’t strongenough to stand up to them. What happened is not my fault.

Other people’s actions cannot change who Iam. I was a good person when I was born, I was a good person when Iwas being abused, and I am a good person today. Nothing can everchange the good person inside of me.

Process Questions

How would I rate my self-esteem on a scale of1-10? What are the reasons it is at that level?

How do I feel about myself right now?

What are some of the things I could startdoing right away to improve my self-esteem? (Clean the house, get ahaircut, start an exercise program, stop a self-abusive pattern oraddiction, talk to someone about the way I feel, start writingabout my feelings and beliefs in a journal, enroll in a school oruniversity to get a better career, read positive self-affirmations,get out of the house and start being social again, etc…)

How would my life improve if I had betterself-esteem? (Would I have more self-confidence, bettercommunication skills, be more assertive, take better care ofmyself, develop healthier relationships, or set positive goals formy future?)

Chapter 17 –High Self-Esteem

“You cannot be lonely if you like the personyou’re alone with.”

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Survivors of sexual abuse often feel devaluedand disrespected. Some of us were treated as if we were not evenhuman.

In the beginning, most of us resisted theabuse and what it meant for our self-esteem. There was a part of usthat thought, “This is wrong and I deserve to be loved.” But thatpart of us grew weaker over time. That part of us was eventuallyreplaced by another voice. A voice inside our head that said, “I’ma worthless piece of garbage, and I deserve to be abused.”

At the root of our transformation fromself-esteem to self-loathing was a desire to understand what washappening to us. Sexual abuse causes a deep conflict within ourmind. “Why am I being abused if I’m a good person? Why am I beingtreated like garbage if I deserve to be treated with respect? Why,why, why?”

“Why are my parents or family members abusingme when they’re supposed to love me? Why is my childhood a horriblenightmare when it’s supposed to be