Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Jason Goodwin (free ebook novel .TXT) 📖

themselves. The greater an abuser’s fear of his/her ownfeelings, the stronger his/her desire for power and control.

There is a struggle within each one of usbetween the part of us that wants to do the right thing and thepart of us that wants to feel powerful and in control. When aperson gives in to his/her lust for power, his/her morals only getin the way. People cannot adhere to a strict, moral code of conductand continue to injure or exploit a defenseless victim.

All people experience a desire for power. Yetdifferent people express this desire in different ways. As addicts,we drink, smoke, or slam drugs when we feel powerless. We abusesubstances in an attempt to feel more powerful or in control.

Some of us express our desire for powerthrough sexual addiction. Survivors of sexual abuse often develop astrong need to feel in control of their sexuality. We turn toprostitution or pornography to try and medicate feelings of sexualweakness or powerlessness. We engage in sexual behaviors that makeus feel powerful and in control.

Many sex addicts avoid committedrelationships. This allows them to choose from a variety of sexualpartners, and to choose how often they have sex. Some sex addictsfeel that their addictive behaviors have restored their freedom ofchoice in the realm of sexuality.

People turn to all sorts of compulsivebehaviors when they want to feel powerful and in control. Thesepatterns can include anorexia, bulimia, gambling, co-dependency,overeating, or becoming a workaholic. Yet regardless of theparticular game we are playing, our objective is the same. We wantto feel powerful, be in control, or change the way we feel.

As survivors of sexual abuse, many of uscompromise our morals or personal code of conduct to gain feelingsof power and control, just as our abusers did. We try to justifyour self-destructive behaviors by claiming that, “I’m not hurtinganyone but myself.” But really, that’s not true. If we are activelyengaged in an addiction, we are hurting everyone who cares aboutus.

As survivors of sexual abuse, we don’t wantto feel weak or powerless any more than our abusers did. Yet ourmorals and personal code of conduct will not allow us to abuseothers in the same way that we were abused.

I visited Germany one year after the BerlinWall came down. West Germany was filled with expression and color.The people seemed happy and free. East Germany felt gray, lifeless,and depressed. The Soviet Union had never repaired the damage fromWorld War Two. Blackened, bombed-out buildings lined the streets. Irealized in that moment that freedom of choice is only meaningfulwhen we have the power to realize our choices.

No one wants to feel powerless, yet sometimeswe have to accept some weakness in our lives. When we turn toaddictions to avoid our feelings, we are running from the truth ofthis world. As our addictions grow, we may be forced to compromiseour morals and our values. Do we care about doing what isright?

Fear can be a strong motivator. It is oursociety’s collective fear of weakness that led to the saying, “Niceguys finish last.” People who stick to a strong moral code ofconduct may feel weak or taken for granted in their daily lives.They may not get the promotion at work, or make as much money asother, more ruthless employees. They may be pushed aside by peoplewho are willing to hurt others to get to the top. People whobelieve in a strong moral code have to accept some weakness intheir lives.

Most of us want to be comfortable, have somenice things, and retain a certain degree of freedom, personalpower, and control. Most of us are not selfless servants ofGod.

As survivors of sexual abuse, we feelviolated by what happened to us. But we have no desire to repeatthe cycle of abuse.

Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to strive for“progress, not perfection,” and this is the truth that most of uslive by. It is probably not realistic to believe that we willbecome perfect saints in this lifetime. Only that we will becomemore loving in all of our relationships and keep moving in apositive direction.

We can grow more tolerant of weakness. We cantry to face our fears instead of succumbing to temptation. We canbecome less hurtful and more loving, less hateful and moreforgiving, less controlling and more accepting. We can learn toexperience our feelings instead of numbing them withaddictions.

While it is important to be realistic, wemust always look to hope. As survivors in recovery, we are on theroad to something better and every day we take another step.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: When I Feel Powerless

1. I find healthy ways of expressing myanger. (Exercising, kick-boxing, venting with a friend, yellingwhen no one’s around, writing about my feelings, etc…)

2. I allow myself to feel my fear. I allow mybody to shake instead of turning to drugs or alcohol.

3. I do whatever I can to improve mysituation.

4. I pray for God to help me let go of thethings I cannot change.

5. I realize that I am only human.

6. I hold onto hope that my situation willimprove if I keep doing the right things.

Process Questions

In what ways have I felt powerless in thepast?

What are some of the things I did to makemyself feel powerful? Which of these approaches were healthy? Whichwere self-destructive or harmful to others?

What are some of the ways I could cope withmy feelings of powerlessness? (Talk about them with a trustedfriend, family member, or counselor? Try to allow my feelings tohappen and let them pass through me? Work on letting go by prayingand turning my situation over to God?)

Have I ever tried to control something Icould not control? What did that feel like?

Have I ever succeeded in letting go ofsomething I could not control? How did that feel?

Chapter 19 –Fear

“I will show you fear in a handful ofdust.”

-T.S. Eliot

Sexual abuse is a terrifying concept. Most ofus don’t want to talk about it or think about it. We would preferto pretend that it doesn’t exist.

Sometimes we wonder,