Our American Cousin Tom Taylor (top ebook reader .txt) đ
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to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight withâ âWhat do they fight with, Mr. Vernon?
Harry Vernon
Tomahawks and scalping knives.
Florence Trenchard
Yes; and youâd better take care, Miss Georgina, or heâll take his tomahawk and scalping knife and scalp you immediately. Georgina screams and faints.
Lord Dundreary
Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not that, sheâs pale enough already. Fans her with handkerchief. Georgina, donât be afraid. Dundrearyâs by your side, he will protect you.
Florence Trenchard
Donât be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is about. Why, he could get three scalps here. Pulls Lord Dundrearyâs whiskers. Georgina screams.
Lord Dundreary
Donât scream, I wonât lose my whiskers. I know what Iâll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the roof of my head on. Ties it on.
Florence Trenchard
Pretending to cry. Goodbye, Dundreary. Iâll never see you again in all your glory.
Lord Dundreary
Donât cry, Miss Florence, Iâm ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.
Enter Mr. Binny.
Mr. Binny
If you please, Miss, âereâs a gent what says heâs hexpected.
Florence Trenchard
Whatâs his name? Whereâs his card?
Mr. Binny
He didnât tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card âe said âe had a whole pack in his valise, and if I âad a mine âeâd play me a game of seven hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didnât mean to go.
Florence Trenchard
Thatâs him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E. Thatâs my American cousin, I know.
Augusta
Romantically. Your American cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isnât it, Captain De Boots? Comes down. I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic mien of the hunter of the forest.
Asa Trenchard
Outside, L. 3 E. Consarn your picture, didnât I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon Stumpsâ forelock, that wouldnât lie down and couldnât stand up. Wouldât pint forward and couldnât go backward.
Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.
Asa Trenchard
Whereâs the Squire?
Florence Trenchard
Do you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Yes.
Florence Trenchard
He is not present, but I am his daughter.
Asa Trenchard
Well, I guess thatâll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.
Florence Trenchard
What does he mean by shoat?
Mr. Binny
Taking valise. He means me, mum; but what he wantsâ â
Asa Trenchard
Hurry up, old hoss!
Mr. Binny
He calls me a âoss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an âogg.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, darn me if you ainât the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.
Florence Trenchard
Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see youâ âmy brother told us to expect you.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, yes, I guess you do bâlong to my family. Iâm Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. Youâre my cousin, be you? Wal, I ainât got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.
Harry Vernon
Sir, how dare you?
Asa Trenchard
Are you one of the family? Cause if you ainât, youâve got no right to interfere, and if you be, you neednât be alarmed, I ainât going to kiss you. Hereâs your young manâs letter. Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.
Florence Trenchard
In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine. Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.
Asa Trenchard
Thatâll do about as well. I wonât kiss you if you donât want me to; but if you did, I wouldnât stop on account of that sailor man. Business of Harry Vernon threatening Asa Trenchard. Oh! now you neednât get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if youâll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. All start. Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because youâre so all-fired go-to-meeting like.
Florence Trenchard
Show Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth.
Asa Trenchard and Lord Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad lib.
Asa Trenchard
Concentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?
Lord Dundreary
Heâs mad. Yes, Miss Florence, Iâve done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain.
Asa Trenchard
You donât mean to say that youâve got any brains.
Lord Dundreary
No, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. Holding hands to his head.
Florence Trenchard
The red room, then, Mr. Binny.
Asa Trenchard
To Mr. Binny. Hold on! Examines him. Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. Feels of him. This old shoat is fat enough to kill. Hits Mr. Binny in stomach. Mr. Binny runs off, L. 2 E. Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or youâll bust your biler. Exit, L. 3 E.
Lord Dundreary
Now he thinks Mr. Binnyâs an engine and has got a boiler.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, what fun!
Mrs. Mountchessington
Old Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence?
Florence Trenchard
Very rich, I believe.
Augusta
Heâs not at all romantic, is he, mamma?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Aside to her. My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I donât want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard.
Augusta
No, mamma, I wonât.
Florence Trenchard
But what are we to do with him?
Lord Dundreary
Ha! Ha! ha!
All
What is the matter?
Lord Dundreary
Iâve got an idea.
Florence Trenchard
Oh!
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