Our American Cousin Tom Taylor (top ebook reader .txt) š
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letās hear Dundrearyās idea.
Lord Dundreary
Itās so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me. Let us get a pickle bottle.
Florence Trenchard
Pickle bottle! All come down.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth; one of those things with glass sides.
Enter Asa Trenchard, L. 2 E.
Florence Trenchard
Oh! you mean a glass case.
Lord Dundreary
Yeth, a glass case, thatās the idea, and let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. Thatās the idea.
Asa Trenchard
Down L. of Florence Trenchard, overhearing. Oh! thatās your idea, is it? Wal, stranger, I donāt know what theyāre going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jackass. Iām a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.
Lord Dundreary
Now he thinks heās a horse. Iāve heard of a great jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I donāt believe there is any such insect.
Florence Trenchard
Well, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.
Asa Trenchard
Well, no, I canāt say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldnāt find anything I wanted.
Florence Trenchard
What was it you couldnāt find in your room?
Asa Trenchard
There was no soft soap.
Capt. De Boots
Soft soap!
Augusta
Soft soap!
Harry Vernon
Soft soap!
Mrs. Mountchessington
Soft soap!
Florence Trenchard
Soft soap!
Georgina
On sofa. Soft soap!
Lord Dundreary
Thoft thoap?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, soft soap. I reckon you know what that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but Iām everlastingly dry.
Florence Trenchard
Youāll find ale, wine and luncheon on the side table.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I donāt know as Iāve got any appetite. You see cominā along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold sausagesā āandā āWal, I guess I can hold on till dinnertime.
Lord Dundreary
Did that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?
Asa Trenchard
Iām as dry as a sap-tree in August.
Mr. Binny
Throwing open, E. D. Luncheon!
Asa Trenchard
Goes hastily up to table. Wal, I donāt want to speak out too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like this.
Florence Trenchard
Why, whatās wrong, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Why, thereās no mush!
Asa Trenchard
Nary slapjack.
Lord Dundreary
Why, does he want Mary to slap Jack?
Asa Trenchard
No pork and beans!
Lord Dundreary
Porkās been here, but heās left.
Asa Trenchard
And where on airthās the clam chowder?
Lord Dundreary
Where is clam chowder? Heās never here when heās wanted.
Asa Trenchard
Drinks and spits. Hereās your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and Iāll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.
All
Fixins?
Florence Trenchard
What do you mean by fixins?
Asa Trenchard
Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. Weāll make them all useful.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, Iāll hurry up the fixins. What fun! Exit, R.
Lord Dundreary
Oh! I thought he meant the gas fixins.
Asa Trenchard
Say, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. Exit Mr. Binny, L. 3 E., indignantly. Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this table. Oh! donāt you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I came in, but weāll be friends yet. Harry Vernon helps him with table to C.
Enter Florence Trenchard, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Mr. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and a few straws.
Florence Trenchard
Here, cousin, are the fixins.
Asa Trenchard
Thatās yer sort. Now then, Iāll give you all a drink thatāll make you squeal. To Mr. Binny. Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. Iāll give that sick gal a drink thatāll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.
Lord Dundreary
Screams. What a horrible idea. Runs about stage.
Florence Trenchard
Oh, donāt mind him! Thatās only an American joke.
Lord Dundreary
A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eelās skin?
Asa Trenchard
Yes, Iāll give you a drink thatāll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, whatāll you have, Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey Lightning?
Augusta
Oh, I want a Mint Julep.
Capt. De Boots
Give me a Gin Cocktail.
Florence Trenchard
Iāll take a Sherry Cobbler.
Harry Vernon
Brandy Smash for me.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Give me a Whiskey Skin.
Georgina
Iāll take a Lemonade.
Lord Dundreary
Give me a Jersey Lightning.
Asa Trenchard
Give him a Jersey Lightning. As Lord Dundreary drinks. Warranted to kill at forty rods. Lord Dundreary falls back on Mrs. Mountchessington and Georgina.
Closed in.
Scene 2
Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains. Two chairs and table brought on at change.
Enter Mr. Binny and Mr. Coyle, L. 1 E. Mr. Binny Sir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle. Mr. Coyle Very well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny. Mr. Binny Cram full, Mr. Coyle. As one of the first families in the country we must keep up our position. Mr. Coyle Rubbing his hands. Certainly, certainly, that is as long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk, to bring my papers in here. Youāll find him in the servantās hall, and see that you keep your strong ale out of his way. People who serve me must have their senses about them. Mr. Binny Aside. I should say so, or āeād āave hevery tooth hout in their āeds, theFree ebook Ā«Our American Cousin Tom Taylor (top ebook reader .txt) šĀ» - read online now
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