The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart condemns him not:⁠—that it is not a matter of trust, as the apostle intimates, but a matter of certainty and fact, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good also.”

[Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr. Slop, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that St. Paul and the Protestant divine are both of an opinion.⁠—As nearly so, quoth Dr. Slop, as east is to west;⁠—but this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes from the liberty of the press.

It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or ever likely to be.

Go on, Trim, quoth my father.]

“At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind of man,⁠—that did no such thing ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by long habits of sin, might (as the scripture assures it may) insensibly become hard;⁠—and, like some tender parts of his body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by degrees that nice sense and perception with which God and nature endowed it:⁠—Did this never happen;⁠—or was it certain that self-love could never hang the least bias upon the judgment;⁠—or that the little interests below could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness:⁠⸺⁠Could no such thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court:⁠—Did Wit disdain to take a bribe in it;⁠—or was ashamed to show its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that Interest stood always unconcerned whilst the cause was hearing⁠—and that Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and determine upon the case:⁠—Was this truly so, as the objection must suppose;⁠—no doubt then the religious and moral state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it:⁠—and the guilt or innocence of every man’s life could be known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of his own approbation and censure.

“I own, in one case, whenever a man’s conscience does accuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation.

“But the converse of the proposition will not hold true;⁠—namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent.⁠⸺⁠This is not fact⁠⸻So that the common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself,⁠—that he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a quiet one,⁠—is fallacious;⁠—and as current as the inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts,⁠⸺⁠you see it liable to so much error from a false application;⁠⸺⁠the principle upon which it goes so often perverted;⁠⸺⁠the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from human life, which confirm the account.

“A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles;⁠—exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify,⁠⸺⁠a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall ruin forever the deluded partner of his guilt;⁠—rob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour;⁠—but involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches.

“Alas! Conscience had something else to do all this time, than break in upon him; as Elijah reproached the god Baal,⁠⸺⁠this domestic god was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be awoke.

“Perhaps He was gone out in company with Honour to fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play;⁠⸺⁠or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps Conscience all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrily”⁠⸺[If he was of our church, tho’, quoth Dr. Slop, he could not]⁠—“sleeps as soundly in his bed;⁠—and at last meets death as unconcernedly;⁠—perhaps much more so, than a much better man.”

[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. Slop, turning to my father,⁠—the case could not happen in our church.⁠—It happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often.⁠⸺⁠I own, quoth Dr. Slop, (struck a little with my father’s frank acknowledgment)⁠—that a man in the Romish church may live as badly;⁠—but then he cannot easily die so.⁠⸺’Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indifference,⁠—how a rascal dies.⁠—I mean, answered Dr. Slop, he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments.⁠—Pray how many have you in all, said my uncle Toby,⁠⸺⁠for I always forget?⁠⸺⁠Seven, answered Dr. Slop.⁠⸺⁠Humph!⁠—said my uncle Toby; tho’ not accented as a note of acquiescence,⁠—but as an interjection of that particular species of surprise, when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he expected.⁠⸺⁠Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr. Slop, who had an ear, understood my uncle Toby as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments.⁠⸺⁠Humph! replied Dr. Slop (stating my uncle Toby’s