The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent.”⁠—[D⁠⸺⁠n them all, quoth Trim, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.]⁠—“Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,⁠—his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement.”⁠⸺[Oh! ’tis my brother, cried poor Trim in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands together⁠—I fear ’tis poor Tom. My father’s and my uncle Toby’s heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellow’s distress; even Slop himself acknowledged pity for him.⁠⸺⁠Why, Trim, said my father, this is not a history,⁠⸺’tis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the sentence again.]⁠⸺“Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors,⁠—his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.

“Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!”⁠—[I would rather face a cannon, quoth Trim, stamping.]⁠—“See what convulsions it has thrown him into!⁠⸺⁠Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,⁠—what exquisite tortures he endures by it!”⁠—[I hope ’tis not in Portugal.]⁠—“ ’Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!” [I would not read another line of it, quoth Trim, for all this world;⁠—I fear, an’ please your Honours, all this is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is. I tell thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, ’tis not an historical account,⁠—’tis a description.⁠—’Tis only a description, honest man, quoth Slop, there’s not a word of truth in it.⁠⸺⁠That’s another story, replied my father.⁠—However, as Trim reads it with so much concern,⁠—’tis cruelty to force him to go on with it.⁠—Give me hold of the sermon, Trim,⁠—I’ll finish it for thee, and thou may’st go. I must stay and hear it, too, replied Trim, if your Honour will allow me;⁠—tho’ I would not read it myself for a Colonel’s pay.⁠⸻Poor Trim! quoth my uncle Toby. My father went on.]⁠—

“⁠⸺⁠Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched,⁠—what exquisite torture he endures by it!⁠—’Tis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips,⁠—willing to take its leave,⁠⸺⁠but not suffered to depart!⁠—Behold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!”⁠⸺[Then, thank God, however, quoth Trim, they have not killed him.]⁠—“See him dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which this principle,⁠—this principle, that there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him.”⁠⸺[Then, thank God,⁠⸺⁠he is dead, quoth Trim,⁠—he is out of his pain,⁠—and they have done their worst at him.⁠—O Sirs!⁠—Hold your peace, Trim, said my father, going on with the sermon, lest Trim should incense Dr. Slop,⁠—we shall never have done at this rate.]

“The surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity;⁠⸺’tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and suchlike cases, and it is worth a thousand arguments⁠⸺⁠By their fruits ye shall know them.

“I will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or three short and independent rules deducible from it.

“First, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better of his Creed. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, ’tis for no other cause but quietness’ sake.

“Secondly, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular instance,⁠⸺⁠That such a thing goes against his conscience,⁠⸺⁠always believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes against his stomach;⁠—a present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both.

“In a word,⁠—trust that man in nothing, who has not a Conscience in everything.

“And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in which has ruined thousands,⁠—that your conscience is not a law:⁠—No, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine;⁠⸺⁠not, like an Asiatic Qadi, according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions,⁠—but like a British judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written.”

Finis

Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, Trim, quoth my father.⁠—If he had spared his comments, replied Dr. Slop,⁠⸺⁠he would have read it much better. I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered Trim, but that my heart was so full.⁠—That was the very reason, Trim, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr. Slop, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done,⁠—as their compositions are fine;⁠—[I deny it, quoth Dr. Slop]⁠—I maintain it,⁠—that the eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a model for the whole world:⁠⸺⁠But alas! continued my father, and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like French politicians in this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field.⁠⸺’Twere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the sermon well, replied my father,⁠⸺’tis dramatick,⁠—and there is something in that way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention.⁠⸺⁠We preach much in that way with us, said Dr. Slop.⁠—I know that very well, said my father,⁠⸺⁠but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr. Slop, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him.⁠⸺⁠But in this, added Dr. Slop, a little piqued,⁠—our sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarch’s wife, or a martyr or a saint.⁠—There are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the sermon a jot