Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus Kathleen Bogle (general ebook reader .txt) 📖

Gloria: I have a friend who is like my best friend and we hook up every time we are out and pretty much drunk . . . we’ll hang out during the day, he is my best friend, and we won’t kiss or anything [during the day]. We have fun. But when we’re drunk, we hook up. But I guess you see that person out a lot and you hook up with [him] . . . [we] just kiss. Like I get really drunk and flirty, you hang on them, but it’s funny . . . it’s just like funny, friendship.

KB: You talked about this person you hooked up with repeatedly. Does he call you, do you call him?

Gloria: The guy that I hook up with repeatedly, we talk everyday, five times a day. He lives far away from me so we don’t really hang out that much. He lives in dorms [across campus].

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KB: You don’t think of him as your boyfriend?

Gloria: No, not at all, because he wants the same thing, just [to be]

single. [We] can hook up with [other people], that way we don’t get mad at each other.

KB: So you don’t care that he hooks up with someone else at all?

Gloria: No. I don’t care. I wouldn’t be like mad but I would be like:

“Oh, how is she?” You know what I mean, kind of jealous, but not like mad at all.

KB: And same for you . . . he doesn’t care if you hook up with someone else?

Gloria: Yeah. I mean he’ll say: “Oh, who’d you bring home tonight?”

[just] kidding around. He gets . . . jealous, but not mad.

As Gloria indicated, friends with benefits represent more than “just a hookup.” Someone who is just a hookup partner is not necessarily someone with whom you spend time beyond the night you hook up.

Also, someone who is just a hookup partner is not necessarily someone you know that well or care about in any significant way. Thus, a friend with benefits relationship may represent a middle-of-the-road option for those who do not feel comfortable repeatedly hooking up with what some students referred to as “randoms” (i.e., people they did not know well). The advantage of friends with benefits for women is that, unlike a casual hookup partner, at least the man is supposed to care about them as a friend (just not as a girlfriend).

In addition to the positives for women, men may also find friends with benefits to be an attractive option. Many men indicated that finding hookup partners involves a certain degree of “work” or “skill.” Having a friend with benefits provided a “steady hookup” option for those nights where finding a new hookup partner was not worth the effort. At the same time, friends with benefits does not imply an exclusive relationship; therefore, individuals are free to pursue other people whenever they choose. This level of freedom may make friends with benefits a very attractive option to many college students, particularly men.

Although both parties may agree that a friends with benefits relationship is not exclusive, the arrangement does not always play out so easily. Despite the positive spin that Gloria puts on it, many students talked about the potential problems inherent in these relationships.

Men were concerned that the woman would end up wanting more, while women were at risk for developing romantic feelings.

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KB: Did you ever have an issue where someone wanted a relationship with you and you didn’t want it?

Joseph: Yeah I had . . . one.

KB: Okay and how did that happen?

Joseph: We had something set up kind of where we were really close friends, we always had been, and one night we went a little further [sexually] than we probably should have. And [at first] we said that probably we shouldn’t do that again. And then we were like: “Oh well, we can probably keep doing that but we can’t let it go any further. We can’t get attached.” KB: Kind of a friends with benefits thing?

Joseph: Yeah. That’s how we agreed on, like if one person was going home with somebody that night, we can’t be mad or anything like that. There wasn’t a relationship. It was strictly, if for some reason we needed [each other], the other person was there. [But] she got attached and that’s when things kind of went [wrong]. And I don’t even talk to her anymore.

KB: So she wanted it to be a relationship?

Joseph: Yeah.

KB: Did you ever have an incident, a fight or something that blew up? Was she mad that you left with someone else or whatever?

Joseph: Yeah, that’s kind of what started the whole thing because she got mad and I didn’t understand why because I thought we had that agreement. I guess I’m kind of dumb when it comes to that stuff. So I thought we had an agreement, so I didn’t understand why and then that’s what kind of finished off that. Then she wouldn’t talk to me the next day. [Senior, Faith University]

Ed: More girls than guys are looking for relationships, but not necessarily a permanent relationship, just something that’s more than just a couple hookups or casual sex.

KB: And does that create issues that girls are looking for relationships more than guys are? Do you see that creating problems?

Ed: Yeah, yeah, because the next time you see them it’s . . . very uncomfortable [and] awkward.

KB: So, you’ve had that issue where you thought girls were looking for a relationship [when you were not]?

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