Mister West R.J. Lewis (macos ebook reader txt) 📖

“Won’t I just stoop to his level if I do that?”

He frowns, saying nothing.

“I just need a little more time, Aidan.”

“You just begged me to kiss you.”

“I’m weak. I’m sorry.”

He looks solemnly at me. “That’s why this – you and me – it can’t happen this way, Ivy. It's why I disappear sometimes. I need to regain my equilibrium, otherwise I'd be standing outside your building every fucking minute, waiting for you to come out so I can take you. We need to slow down.”

My heart slows when I look at him. I feel panicked again. “So what happens now?”

He looks down, thinking. “Like I said, my beautiful temptress, I’m just the passenger. You’re the one leading.”

I nod slowly, understanding. I have to clean this mess up on my own. I can’t rely on anyone else. I just wish I can tell him how scared I am. I don’t know why I can’t silence it, either. The fear is this great big weight around me, following me everywhere. But not here; not when I’m with Aidan.

He plays with my hair again, twirling a red strand around his finger. I take his other hand and bring it to my face. I have him rest his palm against my cheek and I lean into it, closing my eyes. He strokes my face with his thumb, allowing me this one little touch.

“You’re strong for pushing me away like that.” My voice sounds sad.

“No,” he disagrees. “You don’t know what this is doing to me. I feel so much coming to the surface. Not just…what you do to me, Ivy, but everything else I’ve repressed. You’re never really opening just one door with your emotions. All of it comes tumbling out.”

“I thought you worked through it all. You said you turned to the shadow because it got so big.”

“I managed it by closing parts of me off. I didn’t do that before. Before, I silenced it by distracting myself with very bad things.”

I eye him curiously. “Just how rotten were you, Aidan?”

There’s no amusement in his face. He looks gravely at me. “I was the worst, Ivy. You wouldn’t recognize me. I’m so glad you never knew me back then. You would hate me.”

“I could never hate you.”

“No.” He looks serious. “No, Ivy, you would hate me. Rightfully so, too.”

“You couldn’t have been all bad.”

“I was a cunt.”

“Stop.”

“I was.” He believes it so heartedly. “Do me a favor, beauty, and never look me up.”

“Aidan…”

“Shh.” He runs a finger over my lips, silencing me.

He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He brings me back to his chest and holds me. I feel him burying his nose in my hair. He lets out a long exhale, as though he’s been holding in a breath this whole time.

He’s unravelling and I can’t help but feel like I’m to blame for it.

The rain doesn’t let up. We sit there for who knows how long.

Then, much too soon, I slide off his lap and we leave.

Aidan

I come to a stop outside her building. Ivy looks at the entrance with dread in her eyes. Then she looks back at me. I take her hand and squeeze. We don’t talk. There’s nothing left to say. She turns to the door, and I get this overwhelming urge to stop her. I want to tell her not to get out. To come home with me.

It takes everything inside me to let her go.

The rain is still falling. Halfway to the doors, she stops and glances back at me. Doe-eyed – that’s the only word to describe the way she looks at me. My hands squeeze the steering wheel as she turns back and plods along. She disappears inside the building and I run a hand down my face. I don’t know what sound escapes me. I’ve never heard that sort of sound come out of me.

I’m torn.

This is fucking wrecking me.

Ivy is pure. What you see is what you get. There’s nothing malicious about her. There’s no hidden agenda like there was with cunt face Nina.

No, Ivy is different.

In the best way.

In the most precious way.

Without thinking, I open the car door and hurry to the doors. I stop just out front and peer in. She’s still in the lobby, standing with her back against the wall next to the elevator. I watch her as she crosses her arms and slides down the wall. She doesn’t want to go up. Is the man she’s married to such a dark fucking cloud? I want to tear him apart if this is the reaction she gives when she thinks no one is looking.

I turn away before I start banging on the doors, before I start growling at her to let me in. I pace back to the car and slide in. I sit for a while, drenched, staring at the doors, praying she’ll come back out.

She doesn’t.

I peel out of there and drive.

I drive for what feels like hours. I get out of the city and find a bunch of empty roads. I drive, my foot stuck on the pedal, going faster, faster.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt overwhelmed with emotions. Usually, I’m a fucking prune, dried out, no soul stirring. I’m terrified of regressing. Of going back to the man I used to be. It’s only been two years since I was at my worst.

Cold. I was such a cold motherfucker. Looking for trouble. Looking to hurt. Looking to fuck and drink and lose myself. I hate that man. I hate him with a passion. I remember punching myself at the peak of that loathing. I wanted to hurt myself because it was hurting that fucking man. He reminded me too much of the dirty men in my childhood. And no matter what, I always feel like he’s lurking still inside me.

I come to a hard stop on the side of the road of who the fuck knows where. I pull my phone out of my