Manners and Social Usages by Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (great book club books TXT) 📖

part,”

issued in both England and France after a death, in which the

mourner announces to you the lamented decease of some person

connected with him. Also on the occasion of a marriage, these

elaborate papers, engraved on a large sheet of letter-paper, are

sent to all one’s acquaintances in England and on the Continent.

 

Visits of condolence can begin the week after the event which

occasions them. Personal visits are only made by relatives or very

intimate friends, who will of course be their own judges of the

propriety of speaking fully of the grief which has desolated the

house. The cards are left at the door by the person inquiring for

the afflicted persons, and one card is as good as half a dozen. It

is not necessary to deluge a mourning family with cards. These

cards need not be returned for a year, unless our suggestion be

followed, and the card engraved as we have indicated, and then

sent by post. It is not yet a fashion, but it is in the air, and

deserves to be one.

 

Cards of congratulation are left in person, and if the ladies are

at home the visitor should go in, and be hearty in his or her good

wishes. For such visits a card sent by post would, among intimate

friends, be considered cold-blooded. It must at least be left in

person.

 

Now as to cards of ceremony. These are to be forwarded to those

who have sent invitations to weddings, carefully addressed to the

person who invites you; also after an entertainment to which you

have been asked, within a week after a dinner (this must be a

personal visit), and on the lady’s “day,” if she has one; and we

may add here that if on making a call a lady sees that she is not

recognized, she should hasten to give her name. (This in answer to

many inquiries.) Only calls of pure ceremony are made by handing

in cards, as at a tea or general reception, etc. When cards have

been left once in the season they need not be left again.

 

Under the mixed heads of courtesy and compliment should be those

calls made to formally announce a betrothal. The parents leave the

cards of the betrothed pair, with their own, on all the

connections and friends of the two families. This is a formal

announcement, and all who receive this intimation should make a

congratulatory visit if possible.

 

As young people are often asked without their parents, the

question arises, What should the parents do to show their sense of

this attention? They should leave or send their cards with those

of their children who have received the invitation. These are

cards of courtesy. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters of

a family without also including the parents in courteous

formality. Gentlemen, when calling on any number of ladies, send

in only one card, and cards left on a reception day where a person

is visiting are not binding on the visitor to return. No separate

card is left on a guest on reception days.

 

When returning visits of ceremony, as the first visit after a

letter of introduction, or as announcing your arrival in town or

your intended departure, one may leave a card at the door without

inquiring for the lady.

 

Attention to these little things is a proof at once of

self-respect and of respect for one’s friends. They soon become

easy matters of habit, and of memory. To the well-bred they are

second nature. No one who is desirous of pleasing in society

should neglect them.

 

A lady should never call on a gentleman unless professionally or

officially. She should knock at his door, send in her card, and be

as ceremonious as possible, if lawyer, doctor, or clergyman. On

entering a crowded drawing-room it may be impossible to find the

hostess at once, so that in many fine houses in New York the

custom of announcing the name has become a necessary fashion. It

is impossible to attempt to be polite without cultivating a good

memory. The absent or self-absorbed person who forgets names and

faces, who recalls unlucky topics, confuses relationships, speaks

of the dead as if they were living, or talks about an unlucky

adventure in the family, who plunges into personalities, who

metaphorically treads on a person’s toes, will never succeed in

society. He must consider his “cards of courtesy.”

 

The French talk of “la politesse du foyer.” They are full of it.

Small sacrifices, little courtesies, a kindly spirit,

insignificant attentions, self-control, an allowance for the

failings of others—these go to make up the elegance of life. True

politeness has its roots very deep. We should not cultivate

politeness merely from a wish to please, but because we would

consider the feelings and spare the time of others. Cards of

compliment and courtesy, therefore, save time as well as express a

kindly remembrance. Everything in our busy world—or “whirl,” as

some people call it—that does these two things is a valuable

discovery.

 

A card of courtesy is always sent with flowers, books,

bonbonnieres, game, sweetmeats, fruits—any of the small gifts

which are freely offered among intimate friends. But in

acknowledging these gifts or attentions a card is not a sufficient

return. Nor is it proper to write “regrets” or “accepts” on a

card. A note should be written in either case.

 

A card of any sort must be scrupulously plain. Wedding cards

should be as simple and unostentatious as possible.

 

The ceremony of paying visits and of leaving cards has been

decided by the satirist as meaningless, stupid, and useless; but

it underlies the very structure of society. Visits of form, visits

of ceremony, are absolutely necessary. You can hardly invite

people to your house until you have called and have left a card.

And thus one has a safeguard against intrusive and undesirable

acquaintances. To stop an acquaintance, one has but to stop

leaving cards. It is thus done quietly but securely.

 

Gentlemen who have no time to call should be represented by their

cards. These may well be trusted to the hands of wife, mother,

daughter, sister, but should be punctiliously left.

 

The card may well be noted as belonging only to a high order of

development. No monkey, no “missing link,” no Zulu, no savage,

carries a card. It is the tool of civilization, its “field-mark

and device.” It may be improved; it may be, and has been, abused;

but it cannot be dispensed with under our present environment.

 

CHAPTER VIII.

THE ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS.

 

Scarcely a week passes during the year that the fashionable

journals do not publish “answers to correspondents” on that

subject of all others most interesting to young ladies, the

etiquette of weddings. No book can tell the plain truth with

sufficient emphasis, that the etiquette at a grand wedding is

always the same. The next day some one writes to a newspaper

again,

 

“Shall the bridegroom wear a dress-coat at the hour of eleven

A.M., and who pays for the wedding-cards?” The wedding of to-day

in England has “set the fashion” for America. No man ever puts on

a dress-coat before his seven-o’clock dinner, therefore every

bridegroom is dressed in a frock-coat and light trousers of any

pattern he pleases; in other words, he wears a formal morning

dress, drives to the church with his best man, and awaits the

arrival of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves or not

as he chooses. The best man is the intimate friend, sometimes the

brother, of the groom. He accompanies him to the church, as we

have said, follows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a

little behind him, and holds his hat during the marriage-service.

After that is ended he pays the clergyman’s fee, accompanies, in a

coup� by himself, the bridal party home, and then assists the

ushers to introduce friends to the bridal pair.

 

The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents he pleases to the

bride, and to send something in the nature of a fan, a locket, a

ring, or a bouquet to the bridesmaids; he has also to buy the

wedding-ring, and, of course, he sends a bouquet to the bride; but

he is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding-breakfast;

this is all done by the bride’s family. In England the groom is

expected to drive the bride away in his own carriage, but in

America even that is not often allowed.

 

The bride meantime is dressed in gorgeous array, generally in

white satin, with veil of point-lace and orange blossoms, and is

driven to the church in a carriage with her father, who gives her

away. Her mother and other relatives having preceded her take the

front seats. Her bridesmaids should also precede her, and await

her in the chancel of the church.

 

The ushers then proceed to form the procession with which almost

all city weddings are begun. The ushers first, two and two; then

the bridesmaids, two and two; then some pretty

children—bridesmaids under ten; and then the bride, leaning on

her father’s right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede

the others. As the cortege reaches the lowest altar-step the

ushers break ranks and go to the right and left; the bridesmaids

also separate, going to the right and left, leaving a space for

the bridal pair. As the bride reaches the lowest step the

bridegroom advances, takes her by her right hand, and conducts her

to the altar, where they both kneel. The clergyman, being already

in his place, signifies to them when to rise, and then proceeds to

make the twain one.

 

The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm, and are

immediately conducted to the carriage and driven home; the rest

follow. In some cases, but rarely in this country, a bridal

register is signed in the vestry.

 

Formerly brides removed the whole glove; now they adroitly cut the

finger of the left-hand glove, so that they can remove that

without pulling off the whole glove for the ring. Such is a church

wedding, performed a thousand times alike. The organ peals forth

the wedding-march, the clergyman pronounces the necessary vows to

slow music, or not, as the contracting parties please. Music,

however, adds very much to this ceremony. In a marriage at home,

the bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. The

clergyman enters and faces the company, the bridal pair follow and

face him. After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the wedded

pair receive congratulations.

 

An attempt has been made in America to introduce the English

fashion of a wedding-breakfast. It is not as yet acclimated, but

it is, perhaps, well to describe here the proper etiquette. The

gentlemen and ladies who are asked to this breakfast should be

apprised of that honor a fortnight in advance, and should accept

or decline immediately, as it has all the formality of a dinner,

and seats are, of course, very important. On arriving at the house

where the breakfast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats

in the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. After

greeting the bride and bridegroom, and the father and mother, the

company converse for a few moments until breakfast is announced.

Then the bride and groom go first, followed by the bride’s father

with the groom’s mother, then the groom’s father with the bride’s

mother, then the best man with the first bridesmaid, then the

bridesmaids with attendant gentlemen, who have been invited for

this honor, and then the other invited guests, as the bride’s

mother has arranged. Coffee and tea are not offered, but bouillon,

salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices,

jellies, etc., are