Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Jason Goodwin (free ebook novel .TXT) 📖

of tenbecause it helped me to numb the emotional pain of the abuse. Iremember slamming tall glasses of wine and whiskey with the boy wholived next door. His father was an alcoholic, and there was moreliquor in that house than anyone could keep track of. The warm,fuzzy feeling I got from alcohol made my pain go away for a littlewhile.

By the time I enrolled in high school, I wasan every-day drinker. I would take a flask of hard liquor toschool, hide it in my locker, and sip it throughout the day. At 15,I tried my first cigarette and experienced a dizzy, heady feeling.That first cigarette tasted terrible, but I liked the way it mademe feel.

Like most addicts, I have a family history ofaddiction. Alcoholism runs on my father’s side. Science isdiscovering that there is a large genetic component toaddiction.

My substance abuse was an attempt to escapefrom the pain of sexual abuse and to escape from reality. I believewe use addictions to avoid negative feelings, and as a survivor ofsexual abuse, there were many feelings I wanted to avoid. Anger,fear, depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I had no controlover my life.

As a therapist, I have learned that avoidancedoesn’t work. It’s pointless to try and avoid our feelings. Everytime we drink or use, we pay the price, and the further ouraddictions progress, the higher that price becomes. Eventually, wehave to sacrifice our jobs, significant others, families,self-esteem, self-respect, or even our freedom to continue to drinkand use.

I remember drinking a sixteen-gallon keg of beerwith a couple of friends on the day of a big, college footballgame. That evening we drove to another party and I smoked marijuanawith a stranger I met there.

At some point during my drive back to thedormitories, I found myself staring up at a stoplight with norecollection of how I had gotten there. I realized that I was goingto kill myself or someone else, so I pulled off to the side of theroad and passed out. I awoke the next morning face down in a poolof vomit.

I was never arrested for DUI, even aftersleeping the entire night passed out along the side of a busystreet. But at that point, I finally began to realize what I wasdoing to myself. I finally began to realize how dangerous I hadbecome.

For a long time, I drank whiskey and smoked apack of cigarettes a day. Eventually I developed bleeding ulcersand began to vomit blood on a daily basis. I realized that if Ididn’t change my habits, I was going to kill myself, so I decidedto cut back on drinking and even quit smoking for a few months.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understandwhy I always used alcohol to medicate feelings of depression. Afterall, alcohol is a depressant.

Yet eventually, I figure out why alcohol“worked” for me. When I was drunk, I felt relaxed. And the morerelaxed I felt, both physically and mentally, the more I was ableto let go of whatever was making me depressed. The end result? Iwas a happy drunk.

People with depression often turn to alcoholto try and forget their worries. Unfortunately, alcohol just givesus one more thing to worry about. Depressed alcoholics go into aself-destructive tailspin that ends in jail, institutions, anddeath. All addictions are a trap.

My true drug of choice, even more thanalcohol or marijuana, was nicotine. People laugh when I tell themthis, because cigarettes are legal and so common. What many peoplefail to realize is that nicotine has powerful anti-anxietyproperties. I remember how peaceful, safe, and carefree I feltafter smoking. It took away so much of the anxiety I wasfeeling.

Smokers reach for a cigarette whenever theyfeel stressed, nervous, anxious, or angry. And nicotine worksincredibly well at reducing those feelings for a short period oftime. Unfortunately, the chemicals in cigarettes eventually shrinka man’s testicles and make him infertile. Smoking can lead toimpotence in men which results from a decrease in bloodcirculation. Women who smoke during pregnancy may give birth to lowbirth weight babies. Smoking contributes to ulcers, lung cancer,and heart disease.

But most smokers already know the risks. Inmy case, I was counting on them. Smoking made me feel powerful andin control. I was angry with God for the abuse I had experienced asa child. I didn’t want to live in a world that was so cruel.Smoking seemed like the perfect solution.

I realize now that I was smoking to medicatefeelings of anxiety and kill myself at the same time. I wanted tobe more powerful than God. If God wanted me to live, than killingmyself with cigarettes was the perfect way to rebel againstHim/Her. There were times in my life when I really did want toquit, but my anger, fear, and a desperate need to feel in controlof my life continued to fuel my addiction.

I tried to quit smoking fifteen times beforeI was finally successful. And even then, I became so depressed thatI left my job and temporarily moved back in with my parents. Towillingly give up the feelings of power and control I had gottenfrom smoking cigarettes was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I realize now that smoking cigarettes wasalso a way to keep myself miserable. It had become a sick way topunish myself for having been abused. Sometimes I took pleasure inknowing that it was killing me. Deep inside, I believed that only“bad” little boys or girls got sexually abused. I decided that Imust have done something terrible to deserve what had happened tome. I used to believe that people got what they deserved. Now Iunderstand they do not.

None of us deserve to be abused, and we arenot bad because of what happened to us. It’s time to let go of theway “they” treated us and start taking responsibility for the waywe choose to treat ourselves.

I am an addictions counselor and I can tellyou that most people can’t quit their chemical addictions withouthelp. Inpatient facilities and outpatient counseling programs canhelp get us started on the road to recovery. Later, support groupslike Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and faith-basedself-help groups like Celebrate Recovery can help us to maintainour recovery process.

When I first